Your advice is wonderful. While I know that you get hundreds of emailed questions and you couldn’t possibly answer them all, I am really hoping that my question finds it’s way to you.
I’ve had a rough few years or so. I lost the relationship I was in for nearly 9 years. It ended badly, and I’ve never had closure. I really loved him and always saw our lives together even though there were rough patches. It was the single worst thing that’s ever happened to me in the sense that it devastated me emotionally. I thought I wouldn’t live through the pain. I hobbled along numbly, dealing with it through prayer and alcohol and crying myself to sleep for months on end.
Then, after just sort of getting on my feet, my mom collapsed in January of 2006 and fell into a coma, liver failure, kidney failure and very nearly died. It was a miracle that she made it, but a long and scary recovery was in store and she is a difficult person, so it sidetracked my plans for moving in 2006.
I feel very stuck. I have lived in the same run down house for 14 years now, I have gone back to a job I left and I live in a city that I feel is just a dead end. I long for a new place, a new career and a chance at happiness. I can NOT get over my ex. He stays in my heart and I still miss him so much that it blows through me like a chill wind. I would go back to him in a heartbeat, and I think he knows it. I recently wrote him a sweet and candid letter and got no reply. It hurt me deeply. Again. Red, what can I do? Do you see change or happiness for me? Help! This is not where I thought I’d be by now.
Sheryl in Santa Barbara
Thank you for your kind words. I really do appreciate it!
It is so hard to break free once situations seemingly beyond our control become the dictators of our lives. Difficult, but not impossible.
Sometimes change comes when we least expect it, other times we must be the instrument that creates it. Most people, while we all want change in some manner or another, also fear it enough that we don’t put forth the energy to create it. Everything changes, eventually. Whether we are the momentum that creates the domino effect or the door stop that keeps the door from swinging wide open is our own choice; conscious or subconscious.
There is no fast, quick, or sure cure for “stuck”. It is a process. Sometimes a single choice is enough to start the butterfly effect, other times it’s not so easy. For you, while I don’t see things as being easy, there are changes coming! The first of many, however, starts with you. As hard as it will be, you’ve got to let go of all the “wanting” that surrounds you, and channel that non-productive energy into creating the circumstances you desire.
Your mom’s illness definitely put a dent in your plans, but that does not mean you can’t make new plans. While your current job serves it’s purpose, it feels rather limiting. Now, you can beat your head against the wall there for a while if you like, or you can take matters into your own hands and aim a little higher. The most successful way for you to achieve this goal is actually by enlisting a recruiter or service. There is very high likelihood that the recruiter that has your best opportunities will also come with a fee, but what better investment is there than your own future?
Looking at your living situation, I do see you moving before the end of the year. It’s not presenting as a huge geographical change, but it is presenting as you buying a home. In the meantime, a clearing out of old stuff that you don’t need or use; a fresh coat of paint; and a little change in décor can really lighten the energy of your current home rather cheaply and easily. While it may be only tweaking the surface, it is pretty effective.
Now for the biggie. The EX. “I can NOT get over my ex.” Your words. Look at them. When I look at them, I see part decision, part state of being. “Getting over” someone does not always mean no longer loving them. Sometimes it just means making the conscious decision that they no longer have the ability to control and influence your state of being. That, my friend, is a choice. You can love him, you can miss him, you can even look back over the good times the two of you shared. You didn’t fall in love with him overnight, and you are not going to fall out of love with him overnight, either. Healing a broken heart is hard and it takes time. If I had the cure, I’d be one rich woman.
While it’s not easy, you can choose NOT to let a failed relationship define your life and curtail the flow of happiness to you. This guy did not take with him your chance for happiness, he gave you the freedom to find true happiness with a man who will not only appreciate you, but also respect you and the love you have to offer. It’s going to be a while before you meet anyone special, but you will. I can tell you that there is love in your future, but it is not with your ex.
Just as it takes time to sink down and get stuck in a rut, it also takes time to crawl out and get back on the road. This year will bring with it many positive changes for you, but most of them start within. It really is a year of transformation. Focus on letting go of the people, places and things that no longer serve you, and you will draw to you “replacements” that will guide you and help you get where you need to be.