Red Responds: Getting Hurt and Being Vulnerable

Dear Red,

Thank you for taking the time to read this email. While I realize that you must get tons of emails, I am writing to you because I feel a bit confused and a little bewildered about the direction of my love life.

I have been though some major life changing events in the last few years. Now I am getting to that point in my life where I want to share it with someone, but I am also afraid of getting hurt and being vulnerable. Although I do cherish what I have and appreciate what I have been able to experience in terms of travel and culture, I feel unfulfilled with my experience in love. I know rationally that love comes from within, but like most people, I desire to be with someone with whom I share a special bond and who loves me for me.

I met a man over a year ago and although it was a very, very brief affair, I still hold hope that we will be together in life. I felt, and sometimes still feel, like he is the man I was meant to share my life with, but due to my insecurities and dishonesty I have ruined all hope of beng with him. I am trying to move on, and lately have been chatting online with some very nice men who keep insisting that they care about me. I suppose due to my past and due to my insecurities I seem to think that I’m being played.

Do you see my past and I coming back together or is there someone else out there for me?

Thank you again for your words of wisdom.

Sincere Regards,

Dear T,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really do appreciate it.

Your future really does lie ahead of you, not behind. I do believe that you will again be in contact with the man from your past, but romance with him isn’t in the cards. At least not in a long-term scenario. Truthfully, the time to grow a relationship with him has passed. A level of friendship can be built, but you will experience that the connection you once felt with him isn’t the same.

Love can be so amazing, and also amazingly disappointing. We all want the fairytale, and some are lucky enough to achieve it. In part, this happens because the right two people come together and do what it takes to create that storybook kind of relationship. You just haven’t met your Prince Charming — yet.

Your life path has been about other lessons so far. That will change. As a matter of fact, it is in the process of changing.

Chatting with the guys on the net can be fun, and it definitely fills a need. You are right to be cautious, though. It is too easy to hide behind a keyboard. Text does not readily convey the smoothness of a player, the tell-tale signs of a lie. While not every guy is trying to play you through cyberspace, a few have tried, and there are still a few more will try. Time, and your own instincts, are valuable tools in weeding out those who are real and those who are not. Just be careful.

It’s hard to get a grip on insecurities, but you’ve got to try. If you let fear rule, let it dictate your actions and reactions; you are creating bigger challenges and problems for yourself. It’s an internal struggle that creates external problems. You feel what you feel, and while there is a need to pay attention to that, there is also the need to go a little deeper at that moment and figure out if you have cause to react from a point of insecurity in the current moment or situation. Sometimes we want to be so safe and so protected from painful experiences that we do not allow ourselves to experience the reality of now, because we have predetermined that it may lead to pain. Acting from a place of fear usually creates the exact outcome we were trying to avoid, and the cycle continues…

Opening yourself to another person is always a risk. Anyone we allow to become close to us has the power to hurt us, whether we admit it or not. It is very wise to be selective on whom you allow in your life, and how close you allow them to get. Time, taking things slowly, is the best way to protect yourself. Trust needs to be earned; but it also needs to be given. So, set your boundaries and pay attention to those who respect them rather than try and change them.

Eventually you will meet the man you are looking for. The one who accepts you for who you are, and will even do his best to try and help you work through your insecurities and other issues. His gentle patience and understanding of you will be the foundation of the friendship, and as trust grows between you, so will love. Even though you won’t be expecting things to develop this way, they will.

You don’t have to fear spending your life alone. I don’t see that for you at all. But you do have to struggle with the “P” word…patience. While I can tell you that you will meet this guy over the internet, I cannot tell you when. It feels more distant than close. If I had to put something out there, I’d say you won’t actually be meeting him until sometime next year. As for this year, you will have a speckling of dates here and there, but you’re not yet ready to embrace any of these guys in terms of a relationship.

Continue on your journey of self-improvement. It’s working for you. I know it’s been a long and difficult road, but each step forward brings you closer to the peace and happiness you desire.

Brightest Blessings,
Ext. 9226

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