Sex Q&A: Hot Sex in a Safe Relationship?

How to Have Mind-Blowing Sex

J. Marie from San Bernardino, CA asks:

Am I playing it safe or beginning to understand the characteristics of a healthy relationship? I was in a lengthy relationship that was very passionate and sexually intense. Liam, it was the best sex ever! But emotionally draining and dysfunctional! It’s finally over, and now there is a man in my life who is wanting to be in my near future. He is not my usual choice physically, but I am attracted to him. He is a good man. I am a little concerned if there will ever be the level of passion I’m used to. We were intimate once years ago and it wasnt that great. Emotionally he feels “safe.” Which to me is more important now, and I’m just hoping the rest will intensify as time goes on. Don’t want to sell myself short, but don’t want to miss out on a good man either.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, J. Marie. Your question reflects a rather common notion regarding the distinct separation of sex and love in western culture. It seems a rather persistent theme that passion and sex are rarely welcome in the realm of harmony and love. It is the age-old distinction between that which is pure and that which is corrupt. The undercurrent I feel in your situation is the subconscious belief that great sex is somehow “bad” and thus, anytime one encounters unfettered passion, the resulting pair bond will be problematic. Now, though it is very true that passion is not at all a pre-requisite for successful long-term pair bonding, it often seems that when couples have tremendous passion they set about sabotaging any potential future relationship because sex is “dirty”… good sex especially, and great sex most assuredly.

Convinced of the evils of pleasure by a dualistic, good versus evil, theologically-obsessed society, people subvert their sources of pleasure, be it rich food or great lovers, essentially destroying that which could very well find harmony over time. Hand in hand with that, many people give up on finding any kind of real heat in a so-called “good” relationships, because it doesn’t conform to whatever head trip they have going on sexually. In other words, good girls and boys like bad girls and boys because they harbor a plethora of sexual hang ups that demand they relegate their libidos to the realm of punishment and masochism… A very bad boy (or girl) will almost certainly exact due emotional punishment in payment for the carnal pleasure they give.

The fact is most of what you call “passion” and “hot sex” is just a mind game. It really is all in your head. Emotional imprinting and sexual chemistry can be a potent combination, indeed, but even these factors are constantly re-shaped, re-defined and re-interpreted by our messed-up minds. I’ve often found that people who fall prey to the trap of passion vs harmony are those with the most sexual issues. People with more unfettered sexual responses have a much better ability to find pleasure in the arms of someone who is good for them on other levels as well. And they don’t sabotage those hot connections with a lot of complicated drama. A lot of what you’re telling me about sex being hot with one man and not another, while that one is a “good” man for you and the other not, is mostly a product of your perceptional truth. For you the “truth” is that pleasure, and a man that gives it to you belongs in the realm of that which is negative, complicated, or bad, while an honest man, a caring and loving man, is relegated to the ascended realm of spiritual love and devout partnership; a place where lust and seduction have no business being.

This is a very real block and very difficult to deal with, but it is also just a product of the glitch within. Don’t blame yourself. Blame thousands of years of ingrained social notions, organized religion, and, yes, blame those funky troubadours of medieval Europe. Laugh if you will, but any sexual mystic worth their salt can tell you the skinny on that Pandora’s Box. Lies and myths are hardwired directly into our gray matter, and sex vs. love tops the list of themes. Just remember, the more sexually open you are, the less passion and lack of passion becomes an issue with any partner. Period. It all starts at home. Explore your own inner sexual kingdom, your own very personal theater of desire and when you find freedom from inhibition, you will see every man’s distinctive beauty… And then desire will not be an issue. Be well.


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3 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Hot Sex in a Safe Relationship?

  1. mulz

    in regards to liam stating “The undercurrent I feel in your situation is the subconscious belief that great sex is somehow “bad” and thus, anytime one encounters unfettered passion, the resulting pair bond will be problematic.” i find this demeaning towards what j.marie is trying to communicate.

    this typical male reaction from liam is shallow, where i believe the concerns from j.marie to be a bit more complex regarding her emotional well-being.

    this somehow suggests she’s a prude or too conservative or doesn’t understand pleasure because she’s not reading & living by ‘The Ethical Slut’ code. because some of us choose not to “swing” does not mean we do not understand/enjoy sexuality or experimentation.

    i have been with many lovers male & female but oddly when i decide to settle in with one, they decide to conquer many….

    saturn is screwing me. … 🙁

  2. Mo

    I was in the same situation, go for the good guy, he will try anything to please you, the feeling of real love with sex creates a passion you will love and you will forget about the bad guy and wonder why you ever dated someone like that in the first place. Let yourself be happy, let yourself be loved.


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