Should You Consider Polyamory?

Should You Consider Polyamory?

Committed to One, but Loving Many

Being romantically involved with more than one person (polyamory) is somewhat taboo in our society, where monogamy is the standard and strictly promoted as the only acceptable type of relationship. But, it wasn’t always so. Monogamous marriage based on love is a relatively recent invention.

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Forming Alliances and Producing Heirs

For most of human history and in cultures across the world, the purpose of marriage was to form alliances between families and to produce male heirs. Love had little to do with it. Men often took lovers on the side, and in many cultures polygamy (having more than one wife) was the norm.

Evolutionary Tendencies in Modern Times

You may have heard the theory that men are naturally polygamous, in that spreading one’s seed as widely as possible was an evolutionary advantage to our ancestors. At the same time, women would need the stability of a committed relationship with a reliable man to help provide for the children, and if that man failed to fulfill their needs, she might then turn to a more suitable partner. These evolutionary tendencies of our ancestors may persist in modern times. While this does not, of course, in any way justify cheating, it may help explain why it happens.

Polyamory and Commitment

And cheating is, unfortunately, rampant. I know because I hear about it every day. It would seem that some folks just aren’t cut out for monogamy. So, what is a couple to do when they love each other dearly and want to stay together but, despite this, cannot imagine being with only one person for the rest of their lives? They fear an affair is inevitable but don’t want to lie or hurt each other. Some couples resolve this dilemma by having a polyamorous or “open” marriage where they remain committed to one another while also having relationships with other people as well. But it’s not easy, and in order for this to work, there must be some ground rules!

The Goose and the Gander

It goes without saying that a double standard is unjust. Husbands who have been having affairs for years are often shocked and horrified when the wife finally suggests an open marriage so that she, too, may see other people. Sometimes the mere discussion of such an arrangement is scary enough to make him rethink what he has been doing behind her back! As the saying goes, “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”

A Mutual Decision

Having an open marriage must be a mutual decision with both parties agreeing to the terms—especially honesty. The purpose, after all, is to eliminate cheating; lying and sneaking around have no place in this arrangement. Successful polyamorous couples have good communication and decide together on the rules that will work for them. Some couples prefer to share intimacy only with certain specified persons with whom they both feel comfortable. Other open marriages are more flexible, with the spouses having the freedom to choose their respective playmates.

A Happy, Open Marriage

Some prefer full disclosure, while others would rather not know the details of their trysts. The important thing is that the husband and wife both voluntarily enter into an agreement which is clearly spelled out, understood and acceptable to both of them. Polyamory is not for everyone, but it may be an option for couples who honestly agree that it is the best way for them to have a happy marriage.

Are you considering taking a lover while still being married? I can help you and your spouse successfully navigate these complicated waters!

Psychic Arwen ext. 6419

7 thoughts on “Should You Consider Polyamory?

  1. Rose Mary ext 9549

    Thanks Arwen,

    So brave of you to tackle such a heated subject. I rarely comment on the blog and I just want to offer you my support.

    I believe in choice. Whether polyamory is for someone or not, we all have the right to explore our own desires. It is only society’s judgements that makes those desires wrong. I too listen to people talk about cheating every day. I always wonder where that concept even comes from as it reduces the experience of loving someone to a game!! LOVE IS NOT A GAME! Love is who we all are at the very core of our beings. From the love that we are we all have the choice to express loving actions. That includes loving as much and as many as we desire. Unfortunately people betray each other every day. Most do this because they are afraid to express their true feelings about monogamy and polyamory. What a different experience we might all have if we all felt comfortable enough to proudly be who we are in honesty integrity and non judgement.

    Rose Mary ext. 9549

  2. Psychic Arwen

    Like I said, polyamory is NOT for everybody! I personally wouldn’t want it. At the same time, I am not going to judge those couples who feel that it is the best and most moral arrangement for them in their attempt to keep things honest and avoid cheating. If it works for them, great. I speak to the heart-broken victims of lying and cheating every day. I advise LEAVING a cheater, however, not everyone is willing to do that. Polyamory can be a workable compromise IF both spouses want to stay together and at the same time, agree to avoid dishonesty.

    You can’t make someone be committed to you if they don’t want to. Some people are inherently incapable of commitment and they will usually tell you so. Listen to what they are saying. Don’t ignore it and think, “I can make him/her change!” It is best to let such persons go and find somebody who shares your values.

    BTW, those of you who mentioned “the bible,” monogamy was NOT the biblical standard. Men were permitted to have numerous wives, concubines and female slaves; the only prohibition was that they could not have sex with another man’s wife, due to “property” laws, since women were the property of men in the olden days. Thankfully that is no longer the case.

  3. Nancy

    You are kidding me right??? Seems that people no longer have any morals and it is all about sex, my God there is more to life that sex. Why bother getting married if intercourse with any and everybody is your choice of a lifestyle.

  4. Glennis Pounds

    To Whom It May Cncern. Every time Im n a relationship nothing goes rightbecaue people don know what they want. Ther’es a lot of playing games. So can ou tell me what shouldI do about that. Just let It go and not work it out. I wants to be in a commitment relatinonship.

  5. deanna

    I would prefer to stay single than marry a looser who can not live by his vows. That is not exceptable according to the bible why would I ever agree to such tom foolery.

  6. Natasha

    I can’t see how this could work long-term. When another person is getting the attention, there will be jealousy. Also, they will tend to become emotionally involved with the new person so now the spouse has lost the physical and emotional side of their marriage.

    Very risky if you ask me. I could never do it.


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