Sex Q&A: She Doesn’t Want to Be Intimate With Him

K writes:

I can’t quite relate to this subject because I’m only 24 and my partner and I don’t have sex as much either. You can be mentally and emotionally attracted and have things in common but also it has nothing to do with being physically connected. This I know can not get me by with my relationship…because I don’t have that connection with him. How sad we had grown after our son came…only because I’m not feeling it for him but for another guy. Is that wrong? Yes this is…because I should be faithful and glad he loves me enough to still understand that I just don’t want to be intimate with him. Yet I’m being foolish and going my own direction with a man twice my age and feeling it with him more than my partner of years and us being friends for many years since we were children. Man sexless marriage and relationships are hard to make work for you and your partner!

Dear K,

I wanted to thank you so much for sharing this raw and complicated situation. I’ve flowed with the energy of your dilemma and it seems there is something nourishing and sensual in the realm of your experiences. Perhaps not always pleasant…but then oftentimes, pleasure and love come intermingled in a fabric of suffering and desperation.

It is really difficult to say whether love can exist without a certain degree of agony, though most poets would indeed claim that is never possible. But, we must deal, of course with the first conflict, the internal conflict of that element of socially instilled value structure with which you grapple. For I sense that in truth, you do not ‘feel’ your needs and desires with this older lover to be wrong at all. In fact, your body, your instinct, your very soul screams out that this is the only right thing for you — to surrender to the touch of this man and be his without remorse or second thoughts. Is it the thoughts of others which have you fooled, my friend? The thoughts of society and family and even perhaps of other women in your life who are judging you and your situation? In this realm…in the truest realm of sex and emotion…you have to try to strive to dispense with notions of right or wrong, because I am afraid Morality and Nature have never been compatible entities.

We cannot forget that the forbidden, the taboo, is one of the most potent sexual nectars in all of creation — a perilous and seductive brew, addictive, steamy, and best taken amid the midnight shadows…Taboo breaking is one of the most powerful tools of consciousness expansion in the universe and, when approached with a clear perspective, can serve as a tremendous catalyst for growth and evolution. Embracing the forbidden is a spiritual tenant of some traditional Tantric schools, and is practiced with vigor in certain eastern Temples. It is very sad that we in the West fail to grasp such powerful and majestic ritual concepts.

In your case, what you fear is not really hurting your husband so much as the social backlash, should anyone find out your choice of lifestyle. Step One is to find a way to stop worrying over the disapproval of others. We all have a need for acceptance, but standard social conditioning is not compatible with your aims here, so dispense with such notions. You are a lady shrouded in mystery, discovering the essence of sublime passion, and in such, your true inner nature. What I feel here, is that you are exactly where you need to be. As I often tell my clients, there are different relationships for different purposes. Throughout one’s life, one might find different lovers to fill different needs and phases. You and your husband were drawn together for certain purposes perhaps… Maybe it was a need to procreate, and in this it seems you were very blessed. But that may not make a relationship that is the stuff of moonlight and magic, and what you find in your older, more experienced partner is a man who can provide just that. This adventure will be one which is tragic at times, but I do not think that you will come to regret it later.

All our lives follow certain phases and cycles. Your cycle for sexual bonding with your husband has ended. However… As all relationships are different, with different purposes, I don’t advise you trying to make a life together with this older lover. It would not work… He is not compatible with you on the level of a conventional marriage. And though you will be his lover for some years to come, your relationship will dissolve into one of much confusion at any point at which you try to define it. There is a wild vibration to it which isn’t easily contained. Attempts to do so will lead to disaster. Let him guide you and mentor you. Allow him to adore you as you need to be adored.

In the case of your marriage it is best to be realistic. If it were the case that your husband truly had no expectations that you would return to the marital bed, and really was okay with that, I would say carry on and fear nothing. However, I sense strongly that your husband is not as okay with the situation as you assume. Many times, a spouse might assume such a stance with the intent of luring their spouse back into the bedroom over time… Or, he/she might consider this a phase. In your husband’s case, he senses you’ve another lover already. He is hoping, however, that it will not last, and you return to him again. I don’t believe this will ever happen. You just don’t feel it, and, in reality, your husband’s desire for you is based more on emotional neediness than on true attraction. In time, perhaps a few years, you two will part. You will continue on with your lover and the education of passion will flourish. There will be pain, there will be sorrow… And experience. And joy. And life.

Be well. Psychic Liam

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