Can Vague Relationships Become Committed Relationships?
There are few relationships as difficult as those with a partner who likes to keep things vague. You don’t know where you stand, what level of commitment you’re at or what you should tell friends and family. And to make matters worse, a partner who prefers a vague relationship doesn’t want to talk about why they like to keep things vague. But you need to talk about it, so let’s start the conversation with a few of the biggest reasons why people might prefer to keep things vague in their relationships.
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Heartbreak
We’ve all been hurt, but some people tend to take it harder than others. These people may keep their relationships at arm’s length to protect themselves from more heartbreak. While there is a chance they may let themselves get closer to their partners with time, keep in mind that relationships have the best chance of survival if both partners are invested the same amount. But the partner who prefers to keep things vague sets the pace of the relationship and that’s a recipe for disaster.
Hollywood’s Bad Influence
According to a study by Jeremy Osborn, watching romantic television shows and movies gives people a skewed view of relationships. This is especially true if the person watching them believes that these kinds of love stories actually exist. They compare these stories to their own relationships, which actually exist in the real world, and feel like their relationships aren’t as good.
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Defining Commitment Differently
According to Benjamin Karney, a co-director of the Relationship Institute at UCLA, there are several ways that people commit to each other. The first way is to think, “I really want to spend time with you because you make me happy.” This is a vague form of commitment because it is one-sided and doesn’t say much about the future. It’s all about what your partner does for you. The second form of commitment is “during good times or bad, happiness and sadness.” In other words, this is a strong commitment because it is a commitment to stay together, through the good and the bad, and it is a commitment to work through the bad. When a partner is willing to make sacrifices, they’re making the type of commitment that allows you to know where you stand.
The Joy of Independence
The world is full of independent people who put their careers, money and lifestyles first before anything and anyone else. They are more than happy to allow someone to tag along for the ride, but as soon as the word “sacrifice” is introduced, they begin to edge towards the door. This is another way of saying that someone may like you, but they’re not sure if they like you enough to commit, so they keep you at a certain distance. Over 45 percent of people have at least one person on their back burner. These arrangements could turn into romantic relationships, but they are most likely just alternatives in case their current love interests don’t work out.
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Too Many Attractive Alternatives
Research suggests that people are less committed to their partners when they feel like they have plenty of other people to choose from. Why would they commit to one person when they can have their pick of many awesome choices? If they think there are attractive alternatives out there, they may be less likely to commit to their partner.
Stay-Over Relationships
Testing the waters before marriage can include enjoying the many benefits of a committed relationship, with very few consequences. It’s called a “stay-over relationship,” and it involves a couple who stays over at each other’s homes for several nights per week, while also maintaining a separate home to go to anytime they need space. These vague relationships make it easier to avoid commitment, and there are few consequences if things don’t work out.
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Blame it on the Brain
Research suggests that some brains are better set up for communicating and commitment than others. The gene variation, allele 334, seems to cause some people to become more vague and conflict-oriented with their relationships. And the variation, 5-HTTLPR, seems to make some partners less responsive to their lovers, especially when it comes to reading and expressing emotions. The important message here is that you can’t change everyone, so if you are not happy with your partner’s love style, you need to consider moving on.
10 thoughts on “Why People Like to Keep Things Vague in Relationships”
Vague probably = not committed, but,
not committed does not have to equal vague.
Being vague, is not saying clearly, openly, what one desires.
Saying openly and clearly that I “just want to enjoy what we have right now–I’m not looking for commitment,” isn’t vague, it’s honest and clear.
By the way, it’s just as possible to want commitment, but not be clear and open about that, so, committed can = vague.
Just saying.
This is a well written article in that it walks 1 through in observation of behavior rather than judgment. So it comes down to what the Self seeks. The article refreshes me on recognizing the numerous options I possess in moving forward energetically and emotionally, and being in choice. If I choose to be ok with ‘hanging’ vaguely, I’ve moved forward in my choice of ‘what’s so’ in the vague exchange. If I choose to step away, I’ve moved forward in my choice to find/foster relationship (something real) to create foundation and space to further evolve emotionally, physically (fitness/health), energetically, and yes, even sexually. With my being in an energetic and heart space for something real, I’m thankful for the ‘hanging’ offer yet I’ll pass. Give and take care while no fuss, no muss.
Blessings to 1 and All
I am having a relationship with a wonderful man, kind, non smoker, he is a lot of fun, I enjoy his presence and his time , his poems and his romantic words … he a very vague about our future, we never talk about, I don’t mind just because I have been single for longtime and I love my life, travel a lot, own my own business and he cooks for me, sings lovely songs, and he is the perfect mate for a sagittarius, I keep my independence, he keep his. When I think about marriage I remember the painful roads with my ex. Sometime for some people been vague is good.
Hello, my name is Kevin, nice to meet you. I have a comment in regard to all of the unhappy ladies with what I feel, are most likely,as the psychic Jessica has given words of wisdom in the fact that your future of this relationship is going no where fast. I may be wrong in regard to this opinion, for I’m not, nor trying to represent myself as capable of that determination.
But, my moral to this story is that I am a 51 year old gentleman that has been married once at 18 and divorced at 27. I am looking for the opportunity to meet a lady that wants to be a best friend first and would like her other half to commit to something? anything, how about our future with one another? I am lonely and having trouble meeting a lady that is willing to just invest time for us to get to know each other. So I feel you in respect to this problem that apparently we as men and women are confronted with. Lonely in Colorado, sincerely Kevin…
Hi Sandra,
I have a history of attracting men who are into “vague,” too. The thing you mention with other women who are “friends,” seems to be a phenomenon among (some/many) men these days. I lost my willingness to be “okay” with being treated that way.
Just friends is fine, but I’m not into sleeping around, so I’m not going to sleep with someone who calls me ‘a friend,’ especially when he has other ‘friends’ to sleep with.
Now I’m in this rather lonely place of transition in which I turn away the ‘vague’ types; and am not yet in a mindset/heart-set/energetic place in which I’m attracting men who want something real.
I’m telling you all this, Sandra, because from what I’ve seen if a man is being vague, especially if he “collects” friends, you may not be able to change that. You could try saying something like, “I know I’ve tried to talk to you about ‘us’ before, and it doesn’t seem like a conversation you want to have. I really like you, but I’m sensing that you’re not really feeling it with me. So, if you’re not getting what you need from our connection and you don’t want to talk about it with me, then let’s go our separate ways, and no hard feelings.”
Risky? Definitely. But, you already know everything you need to know, it’s just a matter of your perspective. As long as you’re constantly adjusting yourself to make his vagueness okay, you can avoid the knowledge you already have. And, if you stop adjusting yourself to make it okay: then what will your perspective be? Will you still want to be lonely in a “relationship,” or will being possibly lonely on your own begin to be more attractive?
But here’s a question for you: is there any possibility that, while you may not enjoy the vague thing with one or more other “friends” hanging around and getting his attention; you may not really be ready for a commitment either, and that at some level, that’s why you’re attracted to him? It’s a safe way to have a kind of relationship and believe that you want more–safe because you can see that he doesn’t, so you don’t have to worry about being taken up on your offer of commitment (on a subconscious level)? Please don’t take that the wrong way, Sandra–I’ve had to ask myself the same question.
Sending you warm thoughts for the Season, and a hug.
Jessica
Many prefer to be vague in relationships as it gives them a way to control what is going on and what information is being offered. If it is offered it is in small doses as I found out in my last relationship.. He always busy .. too busy to really spend concrete time unless it coincided with other things he was doing in part of the city… which put me on back burner alot. One thing he was not vague about was his lack of commitment.. he spoke several times of needing to be on is own .. which of course women never really compute.. as it does not fall into the “Romeo” concept we all have. The best thing is to read the flags and make sure he is who he seems to be. That way you save heartache and time..
Dear Sandra,I think u already know what to do!..Intuitively speaking,if he’s spending more time with her then u…and not happy about that..find someone else who would love to!! life is way to short to wait for anyone who doesn’t want to commit,to some point!!!!DON’T SIT AND WAIT..GET UP,GO OUT…AND BE,JUST BE!!!and DO WHAT MAKES UUUUU HAPPY and AT PEACE!!! BLESSINGS MY DEAR!!!!!
Don’t be dumb! If you have to compete or share a man. he’s NOT WORTH IT!!! LEARN your WORTH, Learn to LOVE urself and the way you look at things will change drastically! I spent many many yrs not loving myself or knowing my worth, and I have worked VERY hard to be where I am at now, KEEP IT MOVIN!!!!
LOVE U! 🙂
Great article! I was aware of some of these explanations before, but reading Your definition of them really bottom lined why some people are vague in relationships. It could even be a combination of factors above, not just one thing alone. It’s hard to accept the fact that your partner isn’t going to commit (because if they Were they wouldn’t be so vague!) & walk away. You keep thinking at Some point, this person’ll commit to me. But they’re never going to. If you can walk away, you won’t be blocking yourself from finding the person you’re Really supposed to be with. By concentrating on this vague person, you’re stopping yourself from meeting your true partner. I know that’s true, so I try to remember that when someone is being vague in a relationship with me.
Well. i hve been with a man for 3 years now. and he is very vague. He says why put a label on it. i like to know. He always says you are my quote on quote friend. yet, there is this other woman who is also his quote on quote friend and she calls and texts constantly. she is with him . she invites herself to his parents home. they have a 20 year friendship. her husband left her in feb of 2014 and she has been calling i consider my man since. i REALLY need to know what is going on.