Married in Misery and Loving It

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I want to take a poll. How many of the married folks reading this article, got married with the vision of a happily ever after? How many of you can say that you actually reached that goal? Now, how many are still trying? A “miserable marriage” is a popular catch phrase thrown around today. However, I would dare say its true meaning has been lost in the confusion of what love, selflessness, and adventure really mean. What you see as misery, may, in fact, be an opportunity to take part in creating a lifelong goal, capable of creating happiness beyond your wildest dreams. Let’s look at how misery may be disguising the true happiness hidden within your relationships.

“When a relationship ends and your heart feels broken, nurture your spirit by forgiving yourself and the other person for things not working out.” – Rivers ext. 5273

Misery is a state of mind. Some people are miserable paupers. Others are woeful millionaires. A relationship cannot shape your satisfaction in life. Your ultimate satisfaction is up to you. If you want to find joyousness in your relationships, the first step is becoming happy with yourself. If you weren’t happy before you married, don’t expect tying the knot to become your Get Out of Misery Free Card.

“Broken hearts are one of the absolute worst pains there are out there.” – Lacy ext. 5494

A lot of married couples over-evaluate their happiness in a relationship, forgetting that all experiences are valuable in their own right. Statistics show that over three-quarters of troubled marriages that stick together to work out their differences, end up happily married in the end. Some relationships truly are bad, but others just need a little guidance to set them on the right track.

Misery can be a double-edged sword. Occasionally, a miserable spouse will set out to make their partner unhappy, as a form of retaliation for what they consider to be their fault. They end up making both their lives a veritable hell. One magical way to make yourself feel blessed, is to be a blessing to everyone you love, and the good karma will eventually catch up to you.

Happiness in marriage is about creating new goals to satisfy your ever-changing and growing partnership. When you set too many expectations in marriage, you sacrifice the astonishment that comes from discovering new things about yourselves. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, only an ideal path, full of surprise, curiosity, and faith.

A little humor in your day, will keep many negative thoughts at bay.

Is your spouse the true cause of your misery? Many people who feel they are trapped in a miserable relationship, search for the easiest way out. This is usually to blame something, or somebody else, for their pain. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Who cares? The better question is, why choose to be miserable, when you can choose to be happy?

Some people would prefer wallowing in their misery, which is strangely comforting, then getting out and taking a chance, which means risking failure. What many people fear of being unsuccessful, is the disapproval of others? When you are addicted to approval, you fear taking risks, and end up accepting a mediocre existence, rather than charting a course to new territories of the spirit and soul.

What is true happiness in marriage? It is allowing each other the space to make mistakes and grow together through your faults and triumphs. It is understanding each other’s dreams. Learning to discover the joy in taking risks for the betterment of you and your partner’s life. So, is it possible to be completely happy in misery? Absolutely. It is all a matter of how you choose to see the challenges that proceed victory!

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29 thoughts on “Married in Misery and Loving It

  1. Laurie

    I would first like to say to Bea to get out and take your 3 yr. old son with you before he learns to treat you, and other women, the way his dad does. Once it gets to that level of behaviour it seldom gets better, no matter what you do. Your husband does not respect you for allowing yourself to be treated like dirt. I left an abusive marriage with two small children. I have never regretted my decision, only how long it took me to make it!

    I know that the first gentleman had a tough situation with his wife who was unfaithful. Then he could not find a woman who did not value his wallet and its contents over what he had to bring to a relationship. Try volunteer work where you might meet someone compatible. If she is helping others then you have a better chance of finding a good woman. Good luck.

    I think that you have to want to be happy, whether or not you are in a relationship. But don’t give everything to keep a relationship. They liked you because of who you are and what you were doing with your life. Too many women do that and then wonder why the man leaves. Hold onto your own friends, your own interests and you will be okay both in and out of a relationship with an intimate partner. Good luck to everyone who is looking for love.

  2. Thomas

    Maurice, your comments are more true than you and most of the women on here might care to admit. It is a product of the equal rights and women’s lib movement, not that I am in any way against equal rights for women, I strongly support them, but with every action there is a equal and opposite reaction that for some could have been unintentional side effects and for a portion of the population it is a recognition of a loophole in the system in order to gain advantage for personal gain. This major change IS AFFECTING THE WAY MEN LOOK AT WOMEN and is something that, therefore, would be in the woman’s best interest to be aware of to break through the trust walls of the modern man.
    The sacred sanctity of marriage, which in itself was created way back before the days of Christ as a legal way to legitimize children and ensure the family would be properly cared for by requiring the man to “stick around” after procreating to provide food and shelter for his offspring while the woman concentrated on child rearing duties, was set up in a way to highly discourage the abandonment of either spouse for any reason (except in the case of royalty whose spouse could not produce a male heir), and often many people lived very miserable lives stuck in a relationship of no love or interest. Back before the days of DNA and forensic science, it would be very naive to not imagine at least 30% of deaths occured at the hands of a fed up wife or husband in a “til death do us part” game changer, it just got blamed on sickness or farm accidents or hunting accidents or whatever. Those were much simpler and often private times for families especially in rural areas.
    When I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s, it was drilled in our heads that the rules of marriage were complicated, but the consequences of breaking the rules were pretty simple. If the husband screwed up, the judge would throw the book at him. If the woman screwed up, the judge would throw the book at her. This seemed (and still does actually) like a common-sense approach to keeping order in the sacred sanctity of marriage, but with the woman’s lib movement the law was rewritten to recognize women as not only equal but special as well. To me, family law court is a step backwards for the real American woman, and I will explain how. Man marries woman. Man and woman have 2 children. Man cheats on woman. Woman sues man for divorce and gets the house and car and $1000 a month child support. I have no problem with this, nobody should. This is completely fair and justified in the events that transpired in that example. Lets look at another though; Man marries woman. Man and woman have a child.Woman cheats once, admits to husband sobbing and begging for forgiveness. Woman cheats twice, informs husband that it was a accident that happened so quickly she didn’t realize until it was to late. Man and woman have another child. Woman cheats third time and informs husband while making love to husband to explain strange sweat and saliva taste on her body and if he doesn’t like it she will leave. Woman cheats a forth and fifth time. Woman cheats a sixth time and leaves her husband for this older gentleman 26 years her senior. Man and woman go to court and judge decides woman gets house, car and $1000 a month child support. Woman now has all her new man’s money and half of the ex’s money and is able to go on cruises and buy motorcycles and new cars. Man is struggling to survive, his shoes have holes in the bottoms, he can’t take a day off of work to go to the doctor much less take a vacation, he has to move back in with his parents and no woman wants anything to do with him until he gets his wallet back to a decent thickness.
    This is the reality of what marriage means today. If you are a man, you are held accountable not only for what you do but what she does as well. There is no accountability for a woman who decides she wants to cheat. As the man, you have to decide after she makes her move what price you want to pay to defend your feelings. Was the sex she had without you worth giving up your children to another man and having to learn to live off of 20% of your gross income?
    The biggest question I find myself asking myself is how do I ever trust any woman to be totally committed to me and not always have to worry if I am only a stepping stone on her journey to personal economic fulfilment. Many times have I heard alot of strong words told to me when I had money on me, but when it was gone interest waned off rather sharply, which I would expect out of a prostitute, but not from a “strong independant woman who doesn’t need a man to make it”, Everytime I hear a woman descibe herself in this way she never fails to be a true friend with big needs and a lifetime of wrongs done to her that need to be righted…by the new sucker…until he runs broke or starts asking for repayment of said loans, then it is “lose my number”.
    What is my advice for solving this modern day problem? Live together and don’t get married. Do keep seperate checking accounts and divide up the finacial responsibilities of the home just like you divide up the chores, where each partner has specific bills they are responsible for and after thier share of the bills are payed they can both contribute in a cookie jar for trips or vacations and such. If you are married, and you are not happy, get out now. Life is too short. There is not much more fun in the world than watching the one who made you miserable getting treated like a washboard in thier new relationship. Karma always gets even, even if you don’t help.

  3. Palesa Pangalele

    I understand the fact that some married men lie to their mistress just to keep them around. But what if there really is trouble in paradise, the wife hardly ever wants to have sex and when she does agree her thing is not satisfactory to the man. They have only been married a year and he is already cheating with his ex, and by the way why did he take over seven year to marry her if he really is into her. Have reasons either than love led to this misery of a marriage?

  4. catherine

    I have know some people who have toughed it out in a bad or unfulfilled marriage.I am not one of those guys. My first marriage was destructive and not in a million years would it get better under no circumstances.My second marriage was short,, death ended it after 17 years and I would never have wanted to give up those wonderful blissful years and if I toughed it out the first time I would have missed out on true love..Please misery is a feeling like a pebble in our shoe which has to be shaken out. If a divorce is the only answer do not hesitate,, this is a one-way street here.Enjoy.

  5. Gabby

    Anyway, marriage in my few is an institution where involvement is expected of each other. Happiness or no happiness in marriage still revolves round the degree of love, concerns, and helping it’s product-kids actualise life meaning if at all existed. Occasions are when behavious differences count not, what matters most is helping each other grow and apply adjustment where necessary.

  6. bea

    hi ive beeb married for almost 5 years, in the first 2 years of married we are both happy especially we found out that we having a baby, after that time all change in different relationship my husband no respect at me no trust at me, even thought our wedding ring he accusing me to steal it, every time we fighting they called me a bitch, user, evel and liar, not only that how mANY TIME he slap me infront of my 3 years old son, i keep thingking wat i did wrong? everytime we argue its all my fault, how many time i try to leave in our house but i cannot because i feel petty to my son, and try to save our married be happy again, everytime we argue all the bad thing come out from his mouth, i didnt feel anymore love from him, i feel that he treating me like a pig not a wife or human being, plz help me and give some advace……

    thank you.

  7. shicka

    I know for a fact I am in a miserable marriage. My husband don’t work and when he do he either find something wrong with the job quite, or get fired. The only thing he want to do is run the streets and stay at home and play his game. Its so stressful cause I’m not working, we have three young kids and one on the way. Everybody don’t see anything wrong cause they love him so much even my parents. When I put him out they always tell me I need him here to help me with the kids; witch I think is a waste of time. It seem like I go to sleep and wake up with an attitude. Everybody think I am so mean but they don’t know the reason why. I have given him plenty of chances and its still the same. I think if I stay with him we will never get anywhere in life. I’m getting to the point that I am getting more than tired and one day I am going to pack up my kids and walk away for good.

  8. Lena

    This article sounds like me… My husband is the one making every one miserable.. I left last year after 33 years of marriage, But, alas, I’m back.. I guess what they say is true…. MISERY enjoys company…. 🙁

  9. maurice

    Marraige has its moments. Its all about your ecconomics. I can recall when the girls in my school talking about marrage. Yeh especially the 14 – 15 year olds. Many of them talking about travelling to Hollywood and to hook up with the wealthy stars etc. Their million dollar mansions. I realize it was just pipe dreams.

    In reality this it really does occur. Love at first site. Oh a graceful wedding. Then the living conditions become so rosy. Suddenly children crop up into the scene. Out of nowhere life becomes spiteful. That million dollar dream home was only a dream. Partying with the jones is no longer real. Million dollar income was just a fog of smoke. The bickering begins. The husband no longer can provide that dream. The wife decides to leave for greener pastures. The husband is now in hock to his ears with child support, rent or mortgage. The ex has found a sugar daddy. Now the fight for child custody begins. The lawyers are the winning end of the spectrum. Then anger escalates. The threats and police. Then someone lands in the slammer. The hate continues. It doesn’t end.

    It is so true. I hear such sad stories about from how love become to hate. Ninety nine percent it is the guy who usually winds being screwed.

  10. Hegenia Pena Legaspi

    I am so interesting to this topic to extract what is best in my love life. I don’t want to grow old with out a partner in life. It seems to me that i cannot exist if I don’t have somebody with me while still alive. And to tell you the truth I am afraid for that somebody that just bring my life MISERABLE. I am praying that that somebody is the real on for me. . . . !

  11. Lindiwe

    Am one of those who are leaving in a misrable marriage because am scared to take a risk. This article talks directly with me. It seems as though am awaiting someones approval in order for me to move onn with my life. I dont even know whether i Love my husband anymore. I keep searching in my heart instead i just think of my daughter and the house that i’ve worked so hard to fix. I really need direction to the life that am leaving.


  12. Nutty P/l

    being married means sharing a life together, being able to trust and rely on the other party. If this trust is disturbed and the issues are not addressed. the subconcious won’t let it go.
    It takes two, that’s how it should be – but sometimes the actions or reactions of one don’t always bring out the best in the other.
    About forgiving involves the fact that you should learn from your mistakes and listen to oneanother.
    If one party says, this hurts my feelings, but you keep going on doing the same thing – do you love the other person??? or do you love yourself more. Take a good look at the reason why you are doing what you are doing.
    Sometimes two people are just too different in their way and outlook of life, in their attitude and values. Itwould be soul distroying to hang in there. The feeling of betrayal would always be there.
    If good communication and a list of pros and cons can’t improve the situation, look at it from a mother /father and child situation.
    If you do this and you keep on doing it, do you want to face the consequences??
    You can’t ask someone to change in their attitude, behaviour or looks and whatever reason sometimes this is possible.
    You cannot change someones personality, they need to see the need in change and feel comfortable with it.
    We learn our behaviour and actions through the environment we are born and brought up in. We cannot easily let that go, but we can make changes if requiered and we learn to do so.
    Marriage is a challenge, but it should be a rewarding experience for everyday, as we never know when it’s over.
    If you’re not happy in your relationship ask yourself why?
    Maybe you need to look at your own actions. Are you asking too much? have you cause any of this? Is your reaction one of hurting?
    We do need to try and make it work, but when all fails maybe we need to honour ourselves and start fresh.
    Happiness comes from within, but it needs nurturing, care and constant awareness. Don’t take it for granted

  13. starry

    I am still in a relationship married for 19 years and our marriage has lot of downs and little ups. Though there is no physical abuse or arguments, but there are things which I miss in the marriage. I was brought up in a different culture and just lived my life accepting this is what marriage is. The more I am exposed to the western world and the lifestyle, I am questioning myself, why am I not given all this in my marriage? Life is really short and I want to explore and enjoy which my partner is not relating to. Though he is supportive of my action but I don’t know- there is no chemistry at all- since our marriage was fixed by our parents. There was no involvement from my side. Now when someone else starts showing interest in me- I don’t know what to do? I am at cross roads. I gave up everything for this marriage- my career, my studies everything. But still I am not living a satisfied life. What is it I am missing in this relationship?

  14. arise

    Is this really written by EJL? Bravo! I like:

    * That no one can “make you happy”. You’re happy when you make the CHOICE to BE happy. That being said, it’s still worth TRYING to create happy moments for your spouse, and if they are doing the same thing for you, it’s the closest thing to heaven on earth.

    * How you compare marriage to the hardships of a wilderness adventure. It’s often said that marriage has its ups and downs. Maybe the divorce rate is high because too many people bail on the marriage when it hits the first valley, never to know the joy of hitting the next peak.

    On the other hand, nothing brings more regret than wasting months or years in a relationship that is never going to get better. It’s hard to see clearly when you’re still involved.

    As an astrologer, I can say this is one of the problems I have been able to help people with. I don’t say “stay” or “leave”, I just describe the pros and cons; the answer is usually obvious. People seem to straighten things out quickly once someone gives them an objective view. Consulting a good psychic would have a similar effect.

    Thanks for a very positive article, Eric.

  15. Hunter

    Choosing to be happy is something that is difficult if not cultivated within yourself. You can not rely on other people for your own happiness. That is why many people end up miserable. They enter into relationships with expectations of another human being. When the spouse fails at meeting expectations, then the marriage begins to disintegrate.

    You can only rely on yourself and your spiritual awareness for true happiness. When that is fulfilled, then you are able to overflow that joy within to stabilize any relationship.

    Be Love!
    Hunter X5507

  16. john

    I’m happy to a degree, because I do most of what I like to do. Most unhappy persons are shirt tailing. They do not worry about decisions ( bill paying ,budgets, replacing old or broken items ) . They do not know what to do , plus they own no fault of error………its always the other guy. And last of all ………..whine about everything, its the American way ,we want everything right , but let STUPID do it. Not all but ( most) women…….give me all the money that you’ve got …….I do not like to clean, cook, wash oh yes ,SEX only when I’m in the mood . Hormones,etc. etc. (blah,blah, blah). Men have to do what they are supposed to do …………. and SHUT UP!!!!!!!! Hey, we are human, we have needs.

  17. tomi

    Hi, The article you wrote today is very truthful. I have been married to the same man for 29 years and the last 3 years was miserable. Looking back I have been unhappy most of my life and often wallow in my pitty so the last three or four years I have been trying to make myself happy. Several years back my husband did something that made me very angry so ten years later I began retaliating. My mother always said a wrong cannot make a wrong right but I went ahead and took some chances and pretended that I didnt need my family and moved out of the house. I started realizing that tho they had done me wrong I needed them. I guess I needed to learn how to stand up for myself and allow them to know that I was hurting but I was alone and they were all together bonding and becomeing something that I wanted to be a part of. I made some mistakes but before I did I had held on fighting my feelings. My husband had told me that he understood what I was going thru and he held out too. Well now Im home and I have it in my head to make it to the end and this just confirms that this misery is going to be worth it. Thank you very much.

  18. Reed x 5105Reed x 5105

    There were some good points made in this article.
    I really liked the part about letting go of expectations in order to more fully experience all the amazing things that are taking place in the relationship.

    My favorite part was, “If you weren’t happy before you married, don’t expect tying the knot to become your Get Out of Misery Free Card.”

    Just as some people automatically blame their unhappiness on their partner, just as many people blame their unhappiness on the lack of a partner.

    Reed x5105

  19. Jessica

    Dear Eric,

    Thank you! This is a wonderful article. It not only “sounds like you,” but it feels like the same kind of outlook as Liam’s articles: not only accepting our own imperfections and those of a partner, but really getting into it and becoming totally real…being in that place where you can get to the truth of what it is to be human and to love.

    Happy Thanksgiving!


  20. lynn

    Yes, I have one of those marriages, I love him, but not in love with him. Been together for over 30 years, and have recently found myself, lonely, afraid of the future, and unsure about our relationship.

  21. Ahmed

    It nice to go through the phychic in most cases i experienced exact what it predicts,in this case i having facing a disappointment from someone that we being for so long only to tell me that she will get marriage by january 2012. i dont know what next

  22. Angel

    Wow, that is deep. But so true. I had a failed marriage he left. Just wasn’t happy told me we were married to early. Had a child in high school, 17 year relationship included a 13 year marriage with 3 grown kids now. He is on his 3rd wife, I was the first. Now my boyfriend for 12 years always tries to make me mad or does really dumb or stupid things he knows will make me upset. Not to mention no physical relationship, he loves his kids and wants to be a good father and be there for them, not like the first marriage. Not to mention I have gained at least 150lbs. And he has lost weight, which I’m sure has a lot to do with it. Understanding.

  23. ronald grzesiak

    This article was a good because i do live this type of life. My wife is mad at the world and seems to like be bitchy. Yet there are times she can be on the good side of the bed. I have to mention that she loves her beer more sometimes than people.

  24. KIA

    Well, all marriages go through rough patches, when other forces interfer with the smoothness of any relationship there are bound to be some bad times. I agree it is important to grow together, and to support each other through every eventuality, but its hard trying to keep a marriage going in the right direction when one or the other leaves all the hard work to one or the other. There lies a real responsibiliy for both to pull in the right direction, not just for one to do this. This poses such a problem for some couples, and sure at times one or the other kind of steers the way forward, but ultimately both need to have an equal share in this for the most part for any relationship to work and remain a relationship. I married with great expectations that it would be wonderful and it was for a while, but i let things go too many times and found myself in a place i couldnt get back from, and what was acceptable previously was no longer acceptable, people change, and they gain confidence in themselves and want to move forward, to grow in their own right and when your partner wants everything to remain the same, they are just not living in the real world. Life just isnt like that, and for some of us what was okish becomes unacceptable after time. I am often sad when I think of it, and I sometimes feel like a failure, but truly, I can see I had no other choice but to end my marriage….since doing so i have been happier in myself, I have achieved more and feel more confident. Sometimes life offers us very harsh realizations, and we have to acknowledge those and deal with them, it isnt the end of the world, although at the time we do think it is….I am not a cynic, however, I find it more and more difficult to accept that marriage is a all it is made up to be, it isnt, and never will be for some of us….thanks

  25. willowcat

    “Statistics show that over three-quarters of troubled marriages that stick together to work out their differences, end up happily married in the end. ” Oh Really? This is one of those “statistics” that was pulled directly out of someone’s rear orifice somewhere in Podunk U’s highly respected psych dept of three very elderly marriage/family therapists, none of whom has figured out this isn’t the 1950’s any more. Please, California Psychics, please stop posting this type of shallow pyschobabble. I highly doubt the spirit world pursues Bowen Family theory very much.

  26. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Thought provoking article……..
    The below paragraph from this article is true…..sad, but true…. I’ve read for many that wanted out of their marriage but were too afraid of CHANGE.

    ” Some people would prefer wallowing in their misery, which is strangely comforting, then getting out and taking a chance, which means risking failure. What many people fear of being unsuccessful, is the disapproval of others? When you are addicted to approval, you fear taking risks, and end up accepting a mediocre existence, rather than charting a course to new territories of the spirit and soul” .

    Life is ever-changing, ever-evolving….it is NOT about staying unhappy , fear of change and thus stagnation. Don’t allow your fears and life to pass you by.

    Happy Thanksgiving, Eric…..I always enjoy reading your articles.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500


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