I am confused about my sexual situation. I have feelings for being with men sexually and socially but know that I need to marry a woman and have kids to fulfill my family and moral right. I just can’t see myself committing whole-hearted to a man. I am concerned about what people say about me in that manner. Should I pursue my sexual feelings or focus on being with a woman and raising a family?
Rick, I want to make an attempt right now to alter the way in which you perceive this situation. I see you imagining that either way you turn, you are going to lose something vital. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You simply have to come to the very simple yet profound understanding that following your own true nature is the only sure and honest path. This philosophy puts one’s own nature above the moral and ethical obligations of society and the process can be very painful. It is also the ultimate liberation.
There are many people who are confused about their sexuality for one reason or another. Some think sexuality is a matter of the mind and therefore something they can change at will. So they marry a partner they have no real desire to be with and have children and spend years denying their own inner truth. But believe me, at some point that truth will come forward and demand to be recognized. When it does, those people are forced to make serious life altering decisions that affect many innocent loved ones.
The fact is, for you to follow the edicts of tradition, in opposition to your own sexuality, would be the biggest mistake of your life. I advise you to drop this notion of conformity and start working to accept the truth of your own nature. You don’t see yourself being in a commitment with another man because on some level you are very ashamed of being gay. But in the deepest part of your heart, I sense that you only really desire relationships with men. That isn’t going to change.
As for having children, this is a very viable and natural urge and there is no reason why you cannot be a father someday. There are many options for same sex couples to have children. Right now, however, you are not at all ready to be a father. Fatherhood is a very serious office, one which requires a bit more wisdom then you’ve garnered so far. Here you are, preparing to dishonestly act a role for the sake of what everyone else thinks, willing to lead an entire future family into potential pain and ruin for the sake of appearances. How could you be an example to a child with such a mindset?
I hope you will consider just coming out. Totally out. Halfway won’t work. It gives you too much opportunity to hide and continue to fear your family’s reaction. I feel in coming out, you would gain so much. A community of people who know what you’re going through, for starters. An entire culture of art and intellect and pride. It’s there for you, if you’re brave enough to claim it. The other path appears to be the one of least resistance right now but you will be certain to regret it. There is no shame in who you are, and anyone who makes you think so isn’t worth your time.