I am in love with my best friend … I am scared to lose our friendship. He knows I love him, he has told me he loves me, I see both of us scared of getting too close. I need to find out what his intentions are, I just don’t know how to ask him. I don’t want to push him away, but I feel like he wants me, then he doesn’t . I have to understand he has not been in a relationship for five years. I know it’s a must we clear things out. But how ?
I thank you, Patience, for sharing your scenario with me. Believe it or not, at some point or other most people find themselves in a situation like this, and I always maintain that steamiest passion is one that flames forth out of the initial spark of friendship. Usually there is a smoldering ember of sexual tension buried within the fiber of friendship, though many often try to deny it. Nurturing such a relationship over time, and then taking it into the bedroom, can be an ecstatic, amazing experience, one in which the truest of loves can blossom. But with the layering of so many subtle depths and coy dynamics comes a sense of danger, and fear, and always frustration. How could it not? Anything this intoxicating comes at a harrowing price, but think of the delight to be savored while in the clutches of such peril.
Nature runs on risk and loss, profit and reward. There is always a fee for attaining a desire and little hope of reward without risk. The risk can be prohibitive, depending on the reward to be gained, and only those involved can decide if the pleasure is worth the price. As for your situation in particular, I have to say that I’m quite startled by the casual attitude you and this fellow have in the face of your impending passion. I sense that your numbness is attributable to anxiety. Anxiety and fear are not the same thing. Fear and pleasure go hand in hand, but anxiety negates real feeling. The two of you are overwhelmed with anxiety and suffer from a dismal lack of sensual understanding. I have dealt with this theme often here, and you might want to research some of my articles to get some tips on reawakening your sensual responses.
In any case, the most important thing to do is eradicate anxiety from yourself and your friend. This doesn’t mean trying to banish fear itself. Fear is not a bad thing. Fear is a sexy thing. Anxiety is that numb, nervous feeling that has neither true depth nor real motion. It’s a deer-in-the-headlights kind of panic. You need to isolate that anxiety and eliminate it in a way that reintroduces you to your friend in the role of sorceress, of enchantress who dispels tension. When you speak to him, use soft, sultry tones and mellow vibes. Be a calming influence for him, and try not approach things anxiously. When he visits, play quiet piano jazz recordings and serve him sweet, sensual little delicacies. Keep the lights low. Burn lots of candles. Purchase some erotic art books and leave them out on the coffee table. Dress yourself in a relaxed and casual fashion. Wear a ponytail. Go barefoot. Eat with your fingers. Laugh and giggle.
Remind him how to enjoy life, for I sense he fears your expectations and his inability to meet them. He’s anxious about transitioning from friends to committed partners overnight. He’s not ready for that. And truth be told, that in-between dating zone does in fact kill a lot of friendships. So, he’s confused. But this doesn’t have to be confusing. You can make it less confusing by embracing this desire and letting it feed your essence. Stop talking and simply entice him with your eyes. Touch him in light ways, brush against him at random. Let your hand linger on his wrist during a conversation. And then mention to him at some stray interval over coffee that you’re really not ready for a commitment at this point in your life. Then on his next visit, tell him you’ve been feeling very close to him lately … and prepare to be ravished.
He’ll still be nervous, but once he relaxes, he’ll reveal just how much he has come to worship the ground you walk on. No matter what he says, go easy. Keep cultivating that sexy atmosphere of nonchalance, and don’t present him with any expectations. You’ll get more out of this man with subtle pressure than you ever will with overt force. In no time, his feelings will overcome his anxiety, and you’ll become so cherished, he’ll be determined to have you all to himself.