I started seeing my ex-boyfriend a year and a half ago and things are going good. He was my first love. I ended up pregnant by him at 17 and had a girl that is my whole world. We continued seeing each other until she was six and then he came and told me that he had to get married to a girl back home that he also got pregnant. I was very upset that he had chosen her over me. I told him to leave and I didn’t want to see him anymore which totally broke my heart. Well, I didn’t see him for five years. When I saw him last June he had told me that getting married was a mistake and he should’ve never done it. He wants to get a divorce and be with me. I’m so confused because I still love him so much and want to be with him but I don’t think he’s going to get a divorce. What should I do?
Signed: Wanting Him All For Me
Dear Wanting Him,
What should you do? Raise your standards… Let’s recap, shall we? You had a daughter with him, you continued to “see” each other (whatever that means). While you were “seeing” him and raising his child, he got yet someone else pregnant. He decided to do the “responsible” thing and marry her, leaving you and his first child with nothing. And while you say your daughter is your “whole world” he then vanishes for five years, not even keeping in touch with her – or you! He then comes back saying all the right things so you’re his mistress for a year and a half while he’s still with his wife and other child, and you think it’s going good? Oh boy… Honey, if you want him then tell him to get himself a divorce, and not to so much as call you until he’s legally and residentially available and has a big shiny diamond ring and five years worth of back child support, and then you’ll maybe think about it. Hopefully by then you’ll have met a grown up and moved on. Let’s get this guy a vasectomy so we can stop this madness, please!
We met three years ago. I looked up and we just stared at each other for a long time. We were both married yet we knew immediately that we had a soul connection. He would show up when I really needed him, (death of my mom) but I never called him. We both moved at the same time, and although we promised to keep in touch it’s been 18 months and nothing. Before I left he asked me why I didn’t meet him 17 years before. Our lives were so parallel it was scary, but we knew not to hurt our families. I haven’t been focused on it but for some reason now he’s in my dreams and thoughts. My marriage of 24 years is fine, so this is puzzling to me. Everywhere I go I see reminders. What does this mean?
Signed: Mysterious Dreamer
The world is full of people to love, and the heart is a funny, confusing muscle. It’s possible and very common to feel an enormous connection to someone while happily married to someone else. You’re married – not dead! And the whole “our eyes locked and we just knew” thing is very real and we’ve all been there. But it doesn’t mean you have to do a thing about it. Congratulations to both of you for choosing to honor your families and not do anything destructive to your marriages – I wish more people (especially parents!) would be so mature. The fact that you’re dreaming of him now may mean nothing. Perhaps it’s because of the part of you he represents. Maybe this longing you’re feeling is a wakeup call that you need to work on improving your marriage. I’d journal about it, or ask yourself in meditation if there’s a lesson or gift in this for you to learn from. And then I’d try to focus on what you’ve got. As the song so wisely says, “Love the one you’re with…”