So, you’ve got issues with your father, your mother never really believed in you and your sister is a broke, single mom – and it’s only appetizers! Just think, by the time dessert rolls around on this date, you’ll get to that STD you got in college and your binge eating habits. If you suffer from compulsive disclosure while dating, perhaps it’s time to check your disclosure statement at the door and learn how to accentuate the positive while not completely lying about the negative.
It’s a date, not a confessional
If you want absolution, go see a priest. The point of dating is not to see if this person will cosign everything you are ashamed of. Get to know the other person. Take a breath and let them talk. A date is time spent with someone else to see how you feel around that person. It’s not a test to see how much they can handle about your past.
Let things deepen – later!
Dating is an anxious game. Vulnerability can run high, especially in the initial stages of discovering that this person might really be a wonderful addition to your life. When you blurt out every possible secret, it’s really an attempt at security. It’s a way to artificially feel close fast. If you tell them everything and they don’t bolt, that means it will last forever, right? Wouldn’t it be great if love were just that simple? Remember, the right person will be around to listen to you when the time presents itself. A lot of the things that we think are so shameful and embarrassing actually aren’t a big deal. It’s our flaws that endear us to each other, not our perfection.
You are not your past
If you are looking for the love of your life to justify every painful thing you have experienced in your past, get ready for a lot of unfulfilled expectations. Your experiences belong to you and are yours to heal and learn from. Most importantly, they are yours to find forgiveness from. You have to forgive yourself for experiencing painful things, inflicting pain onto others and generally being a human being. No partner, no matter how loving and compatible can ever go back into your past and change even a second of your life.
You are a complete and whole person, right now, today. Let that person go on a date and enjoy it! Smile, laugh, have a great time. Your essence remains true in the past and in the now. When we fall in love, we recognize and desire to be around the essence of another. So lead with your heart, not your past, and love will surely find you.
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