Caught in the Act and They Deny It

Shaggy said it best:

But she caught me on the counter (It wasn’t me)
Saw me bangin’ on the sofa (It wasn’t me)
I even had her in the shower (It wasn’t me)
She even caught me on camera (It wasn’t me)

These song lyrics, inspired by a comedy routine from Eddie Murphy’s Raw, make light of the fact that whenever a cheater is caught, they have one rule, and that is to deny everything. According to a study by M. Gary Neuman, author of Why Men Cheat, fifteen percent of cheating husbands will deny an affair up until the moment they are caught red handed. Beyond this statistic, there are a good number of cheaters that will continue to deny their actions. Why do they do it? Let’s look at the facts.

Why Do Cheaters Deny Their Actions?

According to a study published in the Journal of Psychological Science, cheaters in powerful positions in society feel that they are above moral rule. They will chastise others for their immoral behavior, but when it comes to their own discrepancies, they think they are somehow special. This thinking has also been noted in a survey by DDB Worldwide Communications, which reports that most cheaters are likely to steal money from their kid’s piggy bank (28 percent, compared to only 3 percent of the average population). Furthermore, they won’t feel guilty, because they think they deserve special consideration.

While most of these studies have been focused on established adults, studies on teenagers suggest an alarming attitude that lying and cheating is an acceptable means of getting ahead. Out of one study reported in the Washington Post, 38 percent of teens believed they needed to break the rules in order to be happy and successful. From a job study in Time magazine, 40 percent of young adults (age 18 to 34) would lie to improve their situation at work. Four percent would flirt/cheat with their boss, and over two percent would take credit for someone else’s work to get an advantage.

Other cheaters cook up elaborate narratives in their mind to protect their own sense of identity. A partner who is guilty of an affair is most likely not proud of what they’ve done. Most of us want to believe we are essentially moral people. To make themselves feel better, they create a new ending that maintains them as the good guy (or gal) in their story. They will realize a false story is not exactly grounds for Partner of the Year, and they will eventually believe their lie as if it were the truth, even in the face of undeniable evidence.

Some of this attitude we can blame on tabloid media, with high profile figures such as golfer Tiger Woods, Governor Mark Sanford, and executive Allen Stanford, setting the stage for this double standard. Maybe the average Joe or Jolene shouldn’t lie or cheat to fulfill their jollies, but in most people’s eyes, their not average. So if your partner has been caught, yet denies any fault, you can assume they’re among the crowd that feels they are above the rules of a monogamous relationship.

What Can You Do?

If your partner has already cheated and lied, it’s going to be up to you to decide whether or not your love relationship is salvageable. What I can offer is one important tip based on scientific research that may help curb the chance of infidelity in the future. Some psychologists suggest one of the reason’s cheating and lying is becoming more prevalent in society, is because we are being reinforced by its success.

When a partner lies about where they were or why they couldn’t answer the phone, they generally find themselves off the hook. If you suspect your partner is lying, check up on them, and if you find proof, call them out on it. It may already be too late, but every time we let someone get away with a lie, it only strengthens their inclination to do it again. It’s time for cheaters to see themselves as they really are. If they don’t like what they see, they should change themselves for the better, rather than continue to live in fairyland.

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9 thoughts on “Caught in the Act and They Deny It

  1. WQueen

    My husband was caught cheating with an old girlfriend and everything i confronted with him besides the confirmed email, text, phone, photo conversations he said was not true. I feel it, i sence it in the topics he THINKS he has talked with me about, or the place he THOUGHT i had visited, etc. We were always each other’s best friends too, but it’s been two years and I don’t think I can handle him having all of these things behind my back and me pretending they are not there.

  2. Anna

    typo: “but in most people’s eyes, their not average.” – should be, they’re not average. Nice article, but falls a little short of the real problem. This is a mental disease, it has many names – bi-polar, sociopath, and well the list goes on. I think the best example of cheating and the media is truly one of our past President in the US, Bill Clinton. “Stand by your man”, Hillary Clinton would say, and she did. To each their own is what I say. Everyone deals with cheating differently, no one solution is for everyone, so no one can preach what’s right for another is right for someone else. Men look at other women, it’s just human nature, and not something to get upset about, it’s not worth it. Women also look at other men. It is a two way street whether we like it or not. But to be caught in the act and to know something is going on, or to just notice differences in their schedules, or random odd events, is enough to tell someone something is up. Btw, my husband cheated with my sister, they had 2 children who are now my nephews. She was also married at the time to her highschool sweetheart… it lasted years. To this day my sister is promiscuous, lies constantly, manipulates, is violent, the list goes on and on, and she’s diagnosed bi-polar. I have little to nothing to do with her anymore after just too many years of it. Best of luck to everyone who goes through this. Just remember, it’s not your fault, these people are mentally ill, and you do deserve better, even if it’s alone. <3

  3. bad ending

    Found some emails he cheated on me, and I got a huge fight for looking into his email, and of course a denyal, then we broke up. Was the love of my life

  4. rosemary

    hello, well, i am married to a cheater for 30 years,he started 8 months after the vows.i said nothing. he even had an affair with a gay woman,and,denied it of course,i walked in on them before they got into a lip lock.he has never been married. i resently overhead him telling a fr
    iend he had a girlfriend,the quote goes,”i met her at the airport,and,had her that night. if i don’t get it at home i go and see her. i did speak to him,and told him what i heard,he told me i heard it wrong,and,i don’t have a girl friend. i am always the one who is wrong. there have been other times i have caught him,he assaulted my friend in her hot tub,she came in the house running,her face red from his forced kisses,and with a look of absoulete hatred on her face. i finally quit my job,so, now i am home all the time,he has no chance to visit his whore i wish i had more guts,but i am a sag,and he a virgo,this was the biggest mistake of my life,i think being single would be wonderful,no cheating,lying or sneaking around to put up with.he is an accomplished liar,no matter what he says,and i recant what he said, i am wrong. the lying he has done for so many years is what he believes i guess. i am always wrong no matter what,so, i keep a log.i think he is sick from lying for 30 years,what else could it god help him please

  5. wordpress

    Yes, agree with both topic comments and external comments. My situation is that I don’t believe it actual cheating (yet) and I’ve been married for over 25 years (both married previously), but although my husband has always been very supportive with career, home, children etc and remembers all occasions (flowers), I have from the very beginning he has always been very courteous/a gentleman to women (which I found to be a very attractive trait-an attribute that made him an attractive partner to me)-but that really morphed (after we were married) into a guy who while yes, a gentleman more a suitor/player particularly when meeting a woman in the general course things (or several times) without me and then when I happened to meet that woman together with him, I ALWAYS felt that there was some sort of an issue (like I was a third wheel or they were surprised to me me) and he seemed awkward when introducing us (if he did) – I’d say who was she and he’d say “Oh, I’m sorry – I didn’t introduce you- thought you knew her”. My mental response was “bullshit”, this is just you doing “your thing again” and got caught. After enough times, I finally brought up the subject and sometimes, when these situations required an on-going meeting with a specific woman (say project community purposes) it would almost reduce him to a “puppy dog” state – he just was SO anxious to please. Frankly, this it just became annoying/boring and embarrassing. We would have “discussions” over it – the why/what etc. and he would just reaffirm how much he loved ME, that I was all he wanted and that he did see the issue and said he was going to change his MO. He said that he didn’t like “hurting me and making me sad”. I said your hurting us and yourself and you’ll end up sad if things continue on this way. Well, time would go by for a while (bearing in mind that I’m a very independent type woman, always have been attractive to men – get along with them very well, great career w/travel for many years, accomplished at sports, etc, mother of 3 young men) and expected that this guy was going to be the one “to have my back” – but isn’t that the way – just when you’re quite capable of taking care of yourself, this nice type says I can do even better – you buy it and they “lie it”. Then when I was able to bring my business career home – it’s as though there was no more competition and the situation became even more apparent to me that he was still engaging in the “zipless f__ks” if you will. As on many occasions, again I not meeting a particular woman before (waitress/some committee person) whom he had met previously – there would be a familiarity in conversation from her with him and surprise at seeing me – same bells going off and he would say “I never even spoke to her her before” or I have no idea why she said what she said” – getting back to your article – total denial of any inappropriateness – acts like a happily married man with me when we’re alone, but beating the bushes when he’s out of range. I caught him one day while we were in a store – very attractive woman (not scantily clad) walked by us, she slightly smiled, he smiled back – I kept walking and when I finally turned around – he was standing rooted to the spot, smiling away with a hard-on stare and he kept looking hoping she would look back. She saw me and did nothing – so it finally broke his trance and then he turned bright red when he saw that I saw the whole thing. Again total denial, said he was just looking at the meat counter where she was to see what was on sale – the meat was 20 feet away – the only meat was her! If his is what he can do with me there, what does he do when I’m not? Any women we meet together for the first times and/or with their husbands/boyfriends – that doesn’t seem to cause a problem because it’s common ground – but I’m getting to the point where trust is not just fragile/down right gone. It is somewhat the same with the TV stuff – the 24/7 barrage from early morning traffic bunnies to late night shows. Now I really don’t mind turn on movies/blatant sex scenes – love them and like watching with him because they include MEN and women – who he either finds boring or has even said embarrassing, but it’s the singular girl thing -he obviously likes. He has admitted again that he doesn’t want to jeopardize losing me/us and is making every effort to rebuild the trust and not encourage any outside situations to interfere with us. But frankly, I just don’t know that if I have to keep “catching” these “red-handed instances ” and there is enough confrontation from me, that he won’t actually go an have an affair with the rational of “called the name /play the game”. It sometimes feels like bating me and sometimes staying the course with me because he knows it’s the best thing for him in the long run (financially and otherwise), but that’s not enough reason for a woman like me to keep skin in the game – I hate hypocrates. I might mention that we always consider ourselves best friends and the other marriage areas are good – but this – I don’t know just needs an objective opinion.

  6. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    I agree with Eric …

    Don’t be an enabler to a liar and a cheater…..get proof ( REAL, legitimate proof ) than call them out on it.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

  7. abigailx9570

    Good article and what also takes place with these individuals is they would absolutely flip out if it was them being cheated on !

    Many Blessings,


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