10 Things to Consider Before Breaking Up

Think Before You Rock the Boat

Relationships. I can say with confidence that 80-90% of my calls are about relationships. Have you ever asked, “Is my ex coming back, will my partner change, is anyone right for me?” If so, you’re not alone.

Finding a relationship can be challenging, and, once we do, making it work. I read for couples all the time who are on the verge of breaking up. Usually, there isn’t one person at fault, but a series of misunderstandings that got out of hand. Sometimes relationships end, but there are many that might have survived if the couple had asked a few basic questions…

1. When you fight, do you or your partner go into “flashback” mode?

Are you bringing a painful past to the relationship? Example: your partner forgets to phone you that he’s late. You had an ex who did the same thing. Have you told your partner how you feel, or are you carrying old resentments? Sometimes we haven’t given our partners a chance to make their own mistakes.

2. Are you willing to apologize for your part in a fight?

If you still feel your partner is 60% wrong, don’t be afraid to apologize for your 40%. Someone once said, “Would you rather be right or be at peace?”

3. Is your insecurity putting a strain on the relationship?

I’ve spoken to clients so obsessed with cheating that they drive their partner into someone else’s arms. If you feel you can’t trust your partner address that with him, but don’t doubt just because “everyone” says partners cheat.

4. Have you lost yourself in the relationship?

Sometimes we work hard to attract someone when dating, but once in the relationship we let ourselves go. Or we’re independent at the beginning, and needy later on. Reclaim your life and starting taking better care of yourself.

5. Are you and your partner stuck in a rut?

If you find yourself eating the same meals on the same nights, seeing the same friends every week, it’s time to shake things up a bit. Plan to visit a new place or restaurant. Experiment during lovemaking. Sometimes the new person you are looking for is right in front of you.

6. Are you looking for a “soul mate” and disappointed that your partner may not be “the one?

A soul mate is someone who helps you grow. Soul mates are wonderful, but the most important thing is for your partner to be your friend. Don’t miss out on a great relationship because you’re looking over your partner’s shoulder for your “soul mate.”

7. Have you tried the “10 minute” rule and “I” statements?

During a fight, sit down and allow each person to talk for 10 minutes without interruption. She can say what she wants without judgment, then switch. When you share your thoughts, stay with feelings. Instead of, “You’re a lazy bum,” try, “When I end up cleaning the house alone, I feel unsupported, and that’s painful.”

8. Are you aware that sometimes a break-up can save your relationship?

Occasionally there are issues within a relationship that require us to take a step away from our partner. If your partner takes you for granted, remember: a short break isn’t a bad thing—it may wake them up and keep you together in the long run.

9. Are you willing to ask for outside help?

If you find yourself having the same fight over and over again, it may be time to ask for help. A therapist, a religious advisor, or support group can make a difference. If your partner refuses to go, don’t let that stop you from getting the help you need. If one person changes, the relationship will change.

10. If the relationship must end, say goodbye with dignity, and move on.

Sometimes we “outgrow” a partner, which doesn’t mean we don’t love them anymore. If you reach this point, don’t be cruel: leave the partnership with the same loving intention as when you entered. Bless with love, forgive, and wish them happiness. The sooner you do this, the faster you will have new love in your life.


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19 thoughts on “10 Things to Consider Before Breaking Up

  1. Elijah97

    I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a couple of months now and once school stated up I stayed in town and she moved out of town to a college three hours away, but we are trying to make it work, and she might be pregnant we’re not completely sure yet we had a scare before she left and her period should be coming up soon but the thing is she is being very distant from me in texting calling and she doesn’t say “i love you” or “I miss you” as much as she use to, she says she always tired which I understand because she works too and that she’s always exhausted and too tired to text properly or even all me, idk I’ve just been feeling like she’s found someone new and she’s just holding on to me until she finds out if she’s pregnant or not, we got into a fight and it went out of proportion and things are a little uneasy as of the moment and I don’t know what to do, I love this girl too much

  2. Teresa

    I have been married for 4 1/2 years and I want to get a divorce from my husband.I have met a very nice man and I don’t know if he is right for me or not!? Could you please tell me what my future holds for me!?

  3. kristine

    great article and it’s very helpful… but in my case insecurity continous to linger due to mistrust cause by recent infidelity…it’s hard to trust your partner who kept on telling lies eventhough already caught so many times…

  4. Delia

    Dear All,

    Thank you for your wonderful tips for the break up. I really appreciate it and I am going to apply that into my own life.

    More power to you all and May God Bless us all.

  5. Leslie

    This is good advice, but only applies on the surface level. Bringing up the past, however destructive it may be, is indicative of unresolved, painful issue’s within the relationship. sweeping it under the rug will certainly not help. The issue of insecurity would need to be addressed at the root before you can attempt to resolve it. Does the insecurity stem from a previous hurt? Or does it stem from the actions of the current partner? Maybe it’s his cybersex activies, or his online relationships, or maybe she has an issue with BPD, OCD. Without proper counseling and understanding of the human pathology, the advice in this article could do more harm than good.

  6. Patricia Fillmore

    There actually is no fighting. No one really car enough to fight. There are no feelings and haven’t been for years. I guess this has turned out to be a marriage of convenience. We don’t laugh, or cry; just numbness and boredom.

  7. angel

    Great job on this one. I thought it was for me. every question was YES, minus one.
    But everything you said is so true. I really feel this one.

  8. Rose Cocca

    i am not breaking up with my partner..we have misunderstanding..but they are not arguements…i think he the wonderfull person i know but he doesnt know it…deep down he does not going to think it is going to work…BUT IT WILL ..we both in a rut ..that cause a lot of it…because our mind is on the same old thing…if we can together i sure it will differnt..we can go out and change the pattern…a nice dinner..or whatever…we have to think that i will work if we try…getting away from this..helps a lot….we need something else to think about instead of breaking uo…WHAT WE NEED TO LOOK FORWARD TO SOME THING DIFFERENT LIKE GETTING AWAY…..then we will not have time to break up…


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