Sex Q&A: Wake Up Your Sex Drive

As You Get Older, Can Your Sex Drive Drop?

Kit from Atlanta, Georgia asks:

What if it is me, the women, who feels nothing sexual anymore? I love my husband, but I just do not have sexual urges for him (or anyone else, even as a fantasy). Does menopause bring a shift in one’s body from desiring sex to desiring comfort, relief from stress and wanting a respectful, loving partnership?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Kit, and thank you for this interesting question. The subject of your inquiry has been a source of speculation for ages, fraught with misunderstanding and anxiety for both sexes. For women, menopause can weave a tangled mesh of troubled strands with all manner of worries and concerns complicating what is really just a very normal and natural stage of living. Stereotypes abound, generalities flourish, and old wives tales never quite seem to die out despite all our modern understanding. Even our learned ones holed up in their laboratories seem to expound a plethora of conflicting opinions. Current reductionist theory might have us speculate that after her formidable reproductive years have passed, a woman no longer feels any ardent need for sex. Others, with whom I tend to agree, feel this idea is very much mistaken. Sex is a potent, powerful and, above all, mysterious activity. I, myself, have had more than one female client freed from the anxiety of unwanted pregnancy, the ugly side-effects of hormonal birth control and the wild ups and downs of a regular menstrual cycle that can go a bit wild. Many enter kink scenes, expanding themselves into new modes of pleasure. Nature isn’t quite done with you just because you’ve left the all-important child-bearing years. Once the frantic mating urge of youth is left behind, women often enter more delicate but much more orgasmic realms. Unfortunately, they are also told (and told, and told) by society, by culture, by the media, and mostly by men, that when menopause occurs, they are no longer of any sexual worth. Better for them to dry up and be off to some desert colony. What utter rubbish. Hidden deep in the secret layers of every woman lives the dark Lady of Seduction… the archetype revealed in the death queens who maintained their sexual appetites, such as Hel from the Nordic pantheon and Kali the fierce tantric goddess.

In your case, I feel you’ve never had a vital sex life. If you had, you’d not be so nonchalant about embracing abstinence now. But let’s dispense with what’s normal or natural or not. If what you’re feeling feels right to you, then it is your truth. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. Still, you asked the question which makes me think that on some level you feel as if something is wrong. Somewhere deep down you suspect you are denying yourself the richness, the exquisite magick of your own inner kingdom. Your body lies in self-imposed dormancy, and you make an assumption that because he is polite with the changes that have taken over in your bedroom, your partner is okay with this being forced on him as well. The fact is you’re both confused, and he is more than a little hurt. He might actually buy the idea that women are automatically less sexual after menopause, and if he does, you’re in trouble, because though he might be willing to avoid pressuring you with demands, he’s still very sexual, and that makes him a target for sexual women on the hunt for a new friend.

In the end, it all comes down to motivation. It’s very easy to cut yourself off; to buy into the old stereotypes and just give up. But rest assured, if you do, you’ll be repressing some very potent vibrations, and that can lead to a lot of problems. If, on the other hand, you wish to take advantage of the opportunities presented by this stage of your life and explore yourself as you have never dared explore before, then you are going to have to start thinking differently of yourself as a woman and a wife. You will have to you learn all the things about your body and mind you failed to learn earlier. Most important, you’ll have to find desire again. You’ll have to open yourself to sensation, embracing color, art, expression and projection. Food can be a great awakener of the sensual. Taste, scent and texture spark the fires of reaction. You’ll have to take time to daydream. And indulge in the pleasure of self-touch and masturbation. Anal stimulation can be an intense and forceful opener of erotic pathways unrelated to the procreative aspects of sex. The short answer is there’s no reason to repress your sexuality just because you’re getting older. Indeed reveling in its energies can be a veritable fountain of youth. But in the end, doing what feels right for you is what matters most. Think it all over.

Liam

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23 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Wake Up Your Sex Drive

  1. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hail and Well Met, Liam,

    I agree…..I’m a grandmother and have turned down several marriage proposals in the last few years….. my sex drive is still there and thriving…..age is just a number.

    My Great GrandFather lived to the age of 103…..he died in his sleep after breaking his hip square dancing…..THREE girlfriends showed up at his funeral….the girl friends were all in their 80’s as he said that he ” liked ’em young “. His girlfriends were all still very active and vivacious at their age too.

    Just because there is snow on the roof, doesn’t mean that there isn’t still a fire in the furnce !!!!!

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply
  2. julie

    Im 42 and Im living with my 41 old old bf of 5 months…. we do have a sex life but he doesnt seem very interestested… Im very confused by this bc i have never been with a man who didnt want to have sex on a daily bases.. he says its not me that he is turned by me but i have caught him in a time in his life wherehis sex drive has slowed down,,, Is this possible at his age?? I do know that in bed he has not experienced very much, he has really only done the 2 basic positions and has never played…i am the total opposite, i love to experiment but i cannot seem to get him to go along.. says hes not used to doing anything out of the ordinary.. i was hoping that if i could get him to experiment with me he might enjoy sex more and be in the mood more often (cant wait ) like i am… could you give me some suggestions because I am totally lost… i dont want to have a break up over this because we see this in different ways… please can you help?

    Reply
  3. Lynnie

    I am 50 years old and for me I am discovering more and more that not only has the need for sex increased, but that I am wanting it just as much if not more than I did when I was a younger woman. A lot of it for me is my confidence has increased and since I am not able to have children anymore, that has given the act of sexual activity an even greater pleasure. I must admit I am rather surprised, and pleased about this.
    And since I have learned more and more over the years about what pleases me, I am not afraid to ask for what I want.

    Reply
  4. Bird

    My boyfriend and I have not had sex for more than a year, according to him, due to his loss of sexual appetite. I should mention that we are both going through a period of intense financial stress, and we both are facing possible foreclosure and sale of our houses. The financial pressure he’s under is extreme, and every month is a struggle to make ends meet. I am post menopausal, and I guess his hormones have shifted as well.

    Should I just accept that his sexual appetite is lessening, or should I be worried that he may be cheating on me?? He states unequivocally that he’s very much attracted to me still, and that it’s not my fault that his drive is diminishing. I am grieving the loss of our lovemaking, and would like to get any ideas I can about re-igniting his passion for me.

    Reply
  5. T. Boots

    Another great article from you Liam ! As a woman in her early 50’s and on the verge of menopause, I whole heartedly agree with the statements in the article. It is vital that women not “buy” into the cliches, the old wives tales and what have you when it comes to our sexuality in any stage of our lives, and especially around menopause ! From my own expereince, after being separated 8 years after a 17 year marriage, the partner you choose to share your body and soul with is of utter importance. I would say I was always a sexual being, but more so after I left a realtionship where I did not feel supported sexually. My appetitie far exceeded that of my partner and I discovered that to be more true after I found a partner who “gave me permission” to express myself sexually without guilt, shame and who celebrated my sexuality. I experienced a level of ecstasy I had never had before; all because I was “free” to be who I was. I would never return to being that opressed woman. I make no apologies for my sexuality and I have made it clear to my partner that this is who I am and this is what I am ! So, my advice to any woman, is to not accept the so called “norm” of what menopause presents. Embrace your sexaulity, and barring no major health issues that may present a challenge, celebrate being sexual, orgasmic and alive and vibrant! It is our right !
    Namaste !

    Reply
  6. Marsha

    This other career is in the police dept field. My thought of changing to this career in some ways makes me feel relaxed. I do not need any type of sleeping aid.

    Reply
  7. Haren

    You may be right in this article for women but what about a man over 66 who has lost his erection power and longitivity ?

    In my case it becomes extremly difficult for me to satisfy my wife who is 60 years old and having very srtong sex apeal ..what is remedy in my case ??

    As you mentioned in this Article, I do go for day dreams and masterbation but it did not help me…I am now frustrated old man who is useless to any woman…….Please show me some way to come out from my frustration….Thanks.

    Reply
  8. Ann

    I love sex but I have a boyfriend that does not feel the same way I think we just are not compatible at all looking to move on soon why should I always be the one to initate and craving sex I think he that he wants what he used to have he is always talking about his ex’s so that gives me the feeling that I am not what he wants time to go right?

    Reply
  9. Donna

    Kit, Boy is he right. I am 56 and thought, much like you “those days” were gone forever. To make a long story short, I stayed in a bad relationship for 30 years, thinking that was what I was suppose to do. At 53 I finally freed myself and moved to another state. I never thought I would meet the love of my life. (I had several readings, all of the mediums told me this was destined to happen.) Anyhow, our sex life is far better than it ever was when I was younger. If you are still in love, and it seems you are, you owe it to yourself to go for it. We get better with age, and don’t let anyone tell you different. As far as menopause and all that stereotypical stuff that goes with it, don’t believe it.

    Reply
  10. Diane

    Liam, I feel that was a bit harsh. I had a ravenous sex drive until very recently and my problem is low estrogen. I do not even desire masturbation now and this is so very sad that I cannot awaken the desire.

    Reply
  11. Anita

    Liam my friend you are correct about sex after menopause. I am 56 and as I get older the more intense my sexual pleasure is my awareness of what is happening to me during my sexual time with my partner or by myself is amazing. The feelings have opened up a new part of my personality that was there but afraid of what people would say and at this time in my life I do not care. I am free to enjoy this part of my life and my partner anyway we choose to enjoy each other. I could say a lot more but I will just say thank-you for this informative subject matter,

    Reply
  12. KEN

    MY PROBLEM IS THE SAME AS MOST, MY WIFE HAS LOST WHATEVER SHE ONCE HAD, SEX MEANS NOTHING, HOLDING HANDS, CUDDLING, KISSING, ANY KIND OF AFFECTION. WE’VE HAD CONVERSATION AFTER CONVERSATION, OH I LOVE YOU, BUT THATS WHERE IT ENDS. TOTALLY FRUSTRATED, I WORK AND WE HAVE A GREAT LIFE, NO IS USUALLY NOT IN THE VOCABULARY, SHE HAS A GREAT LIFE, NICE HOME, NICE CARS TO DRIVE, DINNER OUT,SHOPPING WHENEVER SHE LIKES, SHE’S JUST LUCKY I DO LOVE HER, MOST MEN WOULD HAVE LEFT FOR SOMEONE ELSE, IT
    S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT COUNT, THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR AT LEAST 15YRS, NOW, HOPE U SHE MY POINT.

    Reply
  13. Denise

    I believe it is in the mind or wrong partner… I am 70 years of age, for many years, I thought there was something wrong with me..had little or no feelings, hardly ever climaxed..
    Now, I am in a very loving relationship, enjoy sex and climax everytime we have sex which is almost daily.
    I enjoy sex and am not afraid of saying so

    Reply
  14. Reed x 5105Reed x 5105

    I agree with Liam. Do what feels right for you. Don’t let outside influences tell you that you should give up on sex – or that you should not.
    I have the impression that if you now begin to truly listen to your own voice on this, you will find your sexual self again. Explore your mind and body without pressuring yourself or limiting yourself. Give yourself the time and attention that you need.

    Reed x5105

    Reply

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