Couples who talk about sex have better sex. Whether what you want in the bedroom is veritably vanilla or downright dirty, you owe it to yourself and your partner to ask for what you want. Life is just too short to keep quiet. Besides, there’s no better way to up the intimacy in your relationship than to strengthen your sexual bond.
So what’s stopping you?
Odds are, if you’re not asking for what you want in bed, there is something in your way. But the obstacles are just in your mind. Whatever wall you feel up against – fear of rejection, embarrassment about your desires, or the concern that you’ll offend your partner, for instance – know this. You can find a way to express yourself and it will enhance your sex life. Here are a few pointers for the process.
A positive set up
As most of us know, it’s not always what you say, but how you say it. Whether or not you’re worried about offending your partner, it’s always wise to pay attention to the way you give your marching orders. The key here is to choose your words wisely and make sure you’re not being negative about the sex you’re already having. Context helps, too. For instance, try “you know how I love it when you do (blank), and it would really be great if you could try (blank) too.” Make sure that “and” is an and not a “but,” because but implies you’re dissatisfied. That’s the last thing you want your lover to think.
One of the best ways to encourage new behavior in your mate, sexually speaking, is to give them the confidence that things are already working… So as long as they feel any tweaks you’re suggesting are just taking things to the next level, they’re less likely to be offended and more likely to be game.
If you’re feeling shy about your sexual desires, many people find it easier to give someone else credit. Of course your inspiration should never be an ex lover (unless that gets your partner off and you already know this about them), but giving credit to something you saw in a magazine or in a movie can lessen your embarrassment without creating complications (like the dreaded question “how did you think of that?”). Likewise, it can be a fun, funny intro to note that a friend tried something and you think it sounds like fun.
Similarly, many shy types find themselves uninhibited when they use the word “fantasy” to describe something they’d like to try. Everyone likes the idea that their lover has been thinking about them – so saying you’ve had a fantasy that you’d like to make real removes any possible connotation that you’ve been thinking about what your lover has been doing wrong.
Show, don’t tell
Lastly, talking about sex can be tough for a lot of people. If you’re so buttoned up that uttering the words will get in the way of ever getting what you really want, then for heaven’s sake, up the ante and do the actual deed. When you and your amour are in the middle of the act and it would be oh-so-much-sweeter if their hand hit that spot, take your own and gently move it there. What you may see as an embarrassment, will at worst, be a crime of passion… and anyone who is bringing you to ecstasy will be honored to have ignited your flame in such a forceful way. Most likely, they’ll take note of the new trick, too!
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