We watch outlandish exhibitions like Jerry Springer’s show because we feel stable, secure and “normal” by comparison to his outrageous guests. We laugh. We poke fun at them. But we feel way better about our foibles and idiosyncrasies by comparison. That feeling is why some men are, again and again, attracted to unstable women.
Let’s consider an average guy seeking a mate. Think about a good-enough looking guy – maybe a bit less than Robert Pattinson, and certainly not a candidate for world’s sexiest man. He’s got a cool personality and a great mind. His skill in treating women well is better-than-average. But in his mirror he doesn’t measure up. He’s been turned down for one reason or another, been dumped and hasn’t healed, or was too often shut down before first base.
Tapes running in his head admonish him: Your nose is too big. Your penis is too small. Your hair is thinning. Your belly should be smaller. That kind of thinking, creating his self-image, has much to do with what sort of partner he thinks he deserves.
Our Joe Average needs to be needed, and unstable women can be very needy. Experience has taught him those ladies are apt to be physically demonstrative, bolstering their weak self-esteem by demonstrating sexual prowess. His senses of adventure and excitement perk up. Unstable women are less likely to have inhibitions, more likely to be risk-takers. Contemplating consequences is not typical of uncentered, insecure people. He’s having trouble seeing the downside.
Our guy feels he isn’t the catch of the century, so wouldn’t we expect to find him looking for women willing to “settle?” He’ll gravitate to a woman who doesn’t have high expectations about quality in men. He could be her dream guy.
He looks at a hot, together, poised babe and thinks, Well, that’s never going to happen. Then he finds a good looking girl – a little needier, a bit less centered. His confidence (and who knows what else) gets a boost.
In conversation, our guy learns how many insensitive dolts have dumped on her, and it’s not her fault. She’s just blindsided. Even her bosses dump on her – three jobs in two years. Her roommate took off, too. Common sense would tell our hero to be careful. This girl may be slightly off, treating people shabbily, knowing little of being faithful. She’s not quite stable, right?
But our hero needs someone to need him. He’ll rescue her, and fix everything. Her drama intrigues him at first, but is devastating later. Still, she’s way prettier than the women he deserves, and she’s responding to his interest. It’s his lucky day. He’s in love and setting himself up for inevitable disappointment as she repeats old behaviors, until her instability shows through.
They can’t last. Both our guy and his new lady need to heal first. But this is a bonding destined to be repeated until our guy gains self-respect and understanding of his worth as a partner. Till then, he’s a magnet for unstable chicks. He’s drawn to them like a salmon swimming upstream to answer nature’s call – nothing can keep him away.