Hard To Get or Hard Headed?

Here’s a question I was recently asked by a friend whose attempts to diffuse a guy’s interest only seemed to encourage his approaches:

Why do some men seem to thrive on rejection and fight harder for the affection of the one who spurned them?

The pursuit of women can bring out the worst in men, and this will be all too familiar to someone who’s had to beat off a guy who wouldn’t take no for an answer. He still calls after you demonstrate disinterest, or even after refusing him flat-out. He’s insistent on becoming friends, but doesn’t stop the pressure to flirt. And if you call him on it he gets self-defensive.

The masculine ideal pressures men to treat sex as a conquest. ‘Not getting the girl’ can be humiliating for anyone, but selfish men often don’t know when to stop. For these guys, being told no initiates a challenge or raises the stakes, and they’re more concerned with validating their masculinity than in being considerate towards woman.

Because men are so afraid of rejection, some practically need a cease and desist order before they will acknowledge the rejection. Guys are endlessly capable of kidding themselves when it comes to avoiding defeat. Accordingly, women should never assume that signs such as disinterest or excuses as to why you can’t spend time together are going to be enough to ‘send him the message.’ You need to be very direct, even if telling him “I’m not interested in you and don’t want to see you,” sounds harsh.

If he’s persistent beyond that –- and I mean after several direct refusals –- you’re probably dealing with a jerk. Don’t ever answer his calls or texts — believe it or not, occasional attention from you, even negative, will encourage him more than consistent contact. If you can’t avoid regular interactions because of school or work, tell him he’s making you uncomfortable and to leave you alone. Tell him to stop. If his advances escalate beyond that, consider treating it as sexual harassment.

So long as you don’t give him room to think there’s a chance, or that you’re merely being coy, most guys will bow out and move on to the next girl.

16 thoughts on “Hard To Get or Hard Headed?

  1. Marti

    why is it that I stay with my husband, whom I’ve known 20 yrs., when I know he hates the fact that I am diSabled, and does nothing but act like I’m not nearly as hurt as I am. I have RSD,and have letters from 3 drs. sayinf I am totally disaBLED. The S.S. JUDGE HOWEVER SAID If I can sort tomatoes I am empolyable, so i WAS TURNED DOWN FOR DISABILITY. now I’m not making money, he is hoarding it, and making me beg for and explain where every little bit is going. It’s like if I have no OUTSIDE income, I’m just the maid. He truly is nothing more thana roomate,why don’t I leave? M.A.B

  2. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Depressed girl,
    If he hit you once…..he WILL hit you again !
    The FIRST time he hit you was one too many times.
    You were, and are, a victim of abuse……mentally, emotionally , AND physically.
    Run, do not walk….from this man. He is slowly stripping you of your power, and self esteem and the confidence to think for yourself. He is also using sympathy as a tool for control.
    AND, please, seek out a good therapist to aid you in getting on with your life,and to learn the skills needed to not be pulled into an unhealthy relationship again. Take back your power and regain your own identity!
    Therapists send me victims of domestic violance and abuse all the time…..and my dear, you do not have to go thru life so miserable….nor should you.
    Blessed Be )O( Gina Rose ext.9500

  3. Sebrina Biscardi

    Unfortunately, when humans become intimate with eachother, we become soul-tied…that’s why it’s best to wait for sexual intimacy and get married before you get to that level. If men and women would just date platonically, they wouldn’t have that problem of emotional abandonment. I know first hand about this because I did this in my life a few times, until I’d had enough of the pain! =) Just accept that it’s OVER and move on without getting into another relationship too soon. Best wishes! =)

  4. Sebrina Biscardi

    I believe that this guy is confused about his sexual orientation. Just because he kisses a woman doesn’t mean he’s in love with her…

  5. Sebrina Biscardi

    You need to be completely honest and direct while telling this woman she is NOT for you. Don’t sugarcoat anything or beat around the bush–it’ll only get worse if you do. Good luck! =)

  6. Melissa

    I am in love with a man that has left me three times, and yet I still can not move on. in the year that we had known each other, when he left he had been with other woman, but I couldn’t even think of anybody else but him. now we have a child together and I keep trying to bring our family back together, but he left again to go back to his ex, but wonts me to keep his stuff at my house. What is a woman to do in this situation?

  7. Depressed girl

    I just want to share my store with my boy
    friend who I am in love with, I do
    everything for him as long as he stay with
    me, then he broke up with me the first time,
    yes it hurt badly, but two weeks later he
    called me and we get back togther,
    then we get engaged, however he hit me
    and broke up with me a year later, then two
    months after that I called him and won’t
    back out with him, however after a year
    I couldn’t stand the fact that he lied to me all
    the time, and it seem he had someone on the
    side because i found out he tell me he is working
    but truly goes some where Elsa, also tell me he
    is sleeping and end up at the club on the weekend,
    so finally I woke up decided to brake up with him,
    but he didn’t believe me at first then he start crying
    called me crying about it, so I want back with him but
    one day he is great and the next he makes me depressed
    and hate my life, I sure don’t know how to get away from him
    I truly love him, and he is like a drug that I am addicated too.

  8. nmsnickers

    what happens when it is over and there is a child involved, the men use the child as form of control, and abuse both the woman and the child. Not only that the American Legal system allows the abuse, which is actually more like domestic violence/stalking and also bordering on child abuse for the child. Makes one wonder.

  9. rk

    Hey..it need not be men alone.I am a female ,not very young either.But i love this guy i knew.I have met him once thats all.But i have not got over him.We would mail/txt talk as we are miles apart now.Of late i feel he is done with him.But i cnt take it at all.His silence hurts me like crazy.I dont know why he is doing it.He is seeking a soulmate i know.He has told me he is not the man i am looking for.But i want him there as a friend.I chew i bug him with mails/txts..now its silence form his end -it hurts..like crazy.Wish things beocme ok for us..wont it?
    tell me someone.

  10. Barb

    I am a female who can’t accept male rejection. The reason? I genuinely cannot help my feelings for a man who sends my world in a spin every time I think of him, let alone see him. I know he liked me, and have no explanation as to what went wrong. I think the other party needs to be more honest with us and don’t put us down for loving someone so much that it hurts…physically and emotionally!

  11. JSS

    Dear Andy,
    What do you think of a gay man who consistently french kisses and looks at a straight woman. When called on his behavior, he refuses any responsibility and says it was all in fun and that he is gay and not attracted to women. I think it’s crap and that he is infatuated or in love on some level with her with her.

  12. Joey 9406

    Great one Max. I see this happen in my practice quite a bit. I deal with men who can not accept this fact. They are very hard to reach, they do not want to hear what I have to say about not continuing this track. I have even talked to the men who have court orders. They can not accept this fact, either. They try to find different ways to maintain contact even after the court steps in. With this mind set, it is very hard to tell the person on the other end to move on. They justify their actions to such a degree, they do not look at the woman’s point of view. I feel very badly for these men. I wish they would hear me so they could begin to heal. It is so hard to deal with rejection people just get blindsided, and this makes it hard to give “just the facts,” when you try to steer them into new beginnings, when they say: “yeah, but, what is she doing/feeling now?” For the women in this picture, I strongly agree they must maintain a no-contact rule. No matter how kind and compassionate the woman wants to be, there is no way around the no contact rule. Thanks again, brava! Good going Max.


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