Enlightening Answers: Centering Emotions and Intense Chemistry

How can I calm my emotions to stay centered while feeling love/possible rejection/anger all at once? I hate games myself but keep being pulled into them.

Trying Not To Spin


Dear Trying,

When there’s a problem in a relationship that’s bringing up conflicting emotions, your rational brain “thunks” shut, and the instinctive, primal, survival part of the brain takes over. When you notice yourself unable to think straight or control your feelings, I recommend taking a deep breath and removing yourself. Ask to take a break and offer to return once you’ve calmed down. Then go for a walk, go take a bath, go meditate – whatever works for you – and come back when you feel ready. This is called a “repair technique” and can literally save the relationship, and your sanity! As for games, don’t allow them. If you feel someone is trying to play games with you, call them on it. Come from your feelings and be vulnerable. Lead the way to a better way to love, and don’t be brought down to their level. If they continue, you’ll know they’re not healthy enough for you and move on.



I have been seeing a man for almost ten months. It started out physical right from the get-go. We just have had this every intense chemistry. I’ve had my share of relationships, but nothing has ever been quite like this in its connection. Throughout the course of the time we’ve been together, we basically do nothing but hang out for a while and then go to bed. I just recently called this into question, and he responded in a cruel and harsh way. Through an email, he stated very bluntly that this has been a purely sexual relationship, and that he was not interested in anything else. Is it possible for a man to spend this amount of time being beyond expressive and giving in bed, and be disconnected in affection otherwise?

Need To Know


Yes. It’s possible for a woman, as well. There are all kinds of people in the world, and sadly, many of them have shut down their hearts and disconnected from their feelings. They can have intense sexual experiences, and keep them compartmentalized from the rest of their lives. He responded with anger because to him the “rules” of your relationship were clear from the beginning, and to him you weren’t entitled to so much as bring up the topic of more. He sounds like he feels entitled to the “status quo.” But you’re entitled to ask for communication. If you want to keep him as a play thing, do so knowing that’s all he is. But please don’t delude yourself into thinking that if you’re having stronger feelings he must be as well – it doesn’t always work that way.

Good luck,

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