Enlightening Answers: His Past Gets In the Way and He Controls the Sex

I lived with a man just as friends for about two years. We have a lot in common, we enjoy each other’s company. I feel for this man like I’ve never felt before – I’m so happy with him, and I’ve never been really happy with any other man. I feel he’s afraid of something from his past that he won’t commit to another relationship. Deep in my heart I feel he’ll come around. I just take it one day at a time and go with the flow of the situation. Am I wasting my time waiting on him to commit? I get confused because sometimes he talks as if we are a couple and then sometimes he doesn’t. I’ve already told him what I really feel for him. He says things like, “I don’t want to hold you back from what you really want.” What I really want is him.

Wanting More Than Friendship

Dear Wanting,

Oh, my dear – you are not alone! I hear stories such as yours every day. Here’s the good news: you have found a man you can feel safe with, you can live happily with, and who makes your heart sing. Here’s the bad news: He loves you like a sister. Seriously – if he felt more for you, he’d be doing something about it! I know you really want him, but you need to see him for what he is: a “Way Shower” – someone who has come into your life to show you what is possible, but is not the one you are meant to be with. I’ve known women who’ve convinced themselves, as you have, that a man’s “fear” or his “past” or his “insecurities” are keeping him from making a move. But here’s the problem – if he’s that crippled by his feelings, then he’ll never be able to be a good partner. And if he’s not – if he’s healthy enough to have a relationship, then he’s not making a move because he’s not feeling it for you. I have seen women wait… and wait… and wait… and wait for years in situations such as this, and end up with nothing! Don’t make that mistake. Please let him go and open your heart to loving someone else who will return your feelings and want what you want. If you continue to wait for him then I’m afraid, as you yourself suspect, you will be wasting your precious time. I’ll say it again as I did in last week’s column – the world is FULL of healthy men who want relationships – go find yours.

Good luck!

I’m in a serious relationship, going on two years. He directs all the sexual activity. I am rejected for all of my advances or received poorly if I get his attention at all. He gets angry with me when I try to discuss his issues of not performing. How do I get through?

Frustrated and Shut Out

Dear Frustrated,

So it sounds like you’re with a macho guy that thinks only “the man” is supposed to make any sexual moves in a relationship. What a shame! He also sounds like he has some sexual insecurity that is making him defensive and unable to communicate (which is why he doesn’t want to talk about his “not performing” – he already feels badly about it). This is not about you, so don’t take it personally. But there’s much you, as his lover, can do. I’d address this by first trying to make him feel safe with you talking about the topic of sex in the first place. This means he needs you to first build him up and make him feel comfortable. So don’t go to him as though there’s a “problem” he needs to fix. Go to him and let him know how happy he makes you (sexually and otherwise) and that you think there are ways you could both be even happier. Let him know you want to be the dream lover he’s always wanted, and you want to know more about what he likes. Try to just open up the conversation and get him talking about his fantasies and what turns him on. Let him know you initiate because you’re so attracted to him and you want to be close to him. Ask if there’s something you can do to “start the action” that he wouldn’t mind – wearing lingerie, turning on sexy music, giving him a back rub or taking a bath together can be far less threatening to a man than more direct maneuvers (get it – MANeuvers?). I suspect he’ll respond well and love this kind of attention from you.

Please let us know,

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