If you’ve ever been in love with someone unavailable (or a string of someones) – like that guy who works 80 hours a week, that gal who’s traveling all the time, that oh-so-mysterious “bad boy” with a drinking problem (oh yeah, and six girlfriends), or someone who’s already married, then chances are you’ve sung the “all the good ones are taken” blues…
But if it’s true that, “every relationship you have is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself” then perhaps it’s really you who is the unavailable one. Gulp. Don’t believe it? Crazy, you say? Why would you possibly want someone you can’t have?
By falling for partners that are just out of reach, you get to have the idea of being in a relationship and some of the benefits, without the potentially painful risks a full relationship requires. If you can’t actually make a whole life with them, you can’t ever lose that life, either – get it? But by having at least a partial relationship, you get to stave off the loneliness you might otherwise feel from having no relationship at all.
Yet by seeing them sometimes, by getting some of their attention, you get this and many other side benefits – one of the biggest being the “you never know” factor (and sex!). You never know when you’ll hear from them, you never know when you’ll get to be with them, and you never know when you’ll draw their attention next. This is part of what makes it such a thrill and feeling of accomplishment – heck, even victory – when you do. Sadly, this is much more exciting and rewarding to many people than the sweet security of a partner who is always there, always available, and offering their love on a regular, reliable basis.
Just an opinion?
Consider this: scientists have found in brain studies that it’s more compelling to get something you want some of the time, than it is to get what you want all of the time. This is what’s so thrilling and even addictive about gambling for many people – with every hand of cards or roll of the dice, there’s a release of chemicals in the brain that creates a rush of excitement. You could win, or you could lose and it’s that unpredictable potential of possibilities, again the pull of the “you never know” factor, that keeps gamblers coming back for more.
So perhaps the allure of the “just out of reach” lover is just that – they’re out of reach. So, if you’re hooked on someone you can’t have, ask yourself: If you could have them, would you still want them? Do you really want them, or do you want the feeling of winning that comes with getting them? Because with over six billion people on the planet right now, we promise you, all the good ones are not taken. They just may not interest you. But waking up and admitting this to yourself is the first critical step in healing your real relationship – the one you have with yourself – so that you can move forward toward having the life, and the love life, you truly desire.
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