Do you transfer old wounds of past childhood traumas or past painful relationships to your current partner?
Learning to be an adult in relationships can be hard when the pain of past love experiences have not been healed. The first step to becoming an adult in relationships starts with self-love. According to David Richo’s book, How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving, the five A’s to mindful self-love are acceptance, acknowledgment, allowance, approval and appreciation. Accepting that you are lovable and not responsible for others self-love is the first step to personal healing. Then acknowledging that you have wounds from lack of self-love may be difficult because the need to blame others for not being loved is easier. Allowing yourself to feel the pain is important because it is a step to taking responsibility for your pain instead of passing the wound on to others. Approval comes when you realize you are doing your best to heal and gives you permission to do better. Giving appreciation daily for the opportunity to learn self-love creates a positive vortex of energy that will attract others who love themselves.
When relationships are based on codependency, that is wanting someone else to love you so you feel better about yourself, it creates expectations that will lead to disappointment. Never give up your identity or independence to be loved by another and never expect your partner to give up their identity and independence to love you. A healthy relationship is all about interdependence. When two people maintain their identities and independence in an interdependent relationship, both can grow through absolute love and create a life long commitment where the patterns of past wounds will not be passed back and forth creating a perpetual pain that will be transferred to the next generation.
Become an adult now in your relationships and stop the pain cycles in love so that new generations will not be burdened with lack of self love. That is the greatest gift of service to humanity.