Becoming an Adult in Relationships

Do you transfer old wounds of past childhood traumas or past painful relationships to your current partner?

Learning to be an adult in relationships can be hard when the pain of past love experiences have not been healed. The first step to becoming an adult in relationships starts with self-love. According to David Richo’s book, How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving, the five A’s to mindful self-love are acceptance, acknowledgment, allowance, approval and appreciation. Accepting that you are lovable and not responsible for others self-love is the first step to personal healing. Then acknowledging that you have wounds from lack of self-love may be difficult because the need to blame others for not being loved is easier. Allowing yourself to feel the pain is important because it is a step to taking responsibility for your pain instead of passing the wound on to others. Approval comes when you realize you are doing your best to heal and gives you permission to do better. Giving appreciation daily for the opportunity to learn self-love creates a positive vortex of energy that will attract others who love themselves.

When relationships are based on codependency, that is wanting someone else to love you so you feel better about yourself, it creates expectations that will lead to disappointment. Never give up your identity or independence to be loved by another and never expect your partner to give up their identity and independence to love you. A healthy relationship is all about interdependence. When two people maintain their identities and independence in an interdependent relationship, both can grow through absolute love and create a life long commitment where the patterns of past wounds will not be passed back and forth creating a perpetual pain that will be transferred to the next generation.

Become an adult now in your relationships and stop the pain cycles in love so that new generations will not be burdened with lack of self love. That is the greatest gift of service to humanity.

55 thoughts on “Becoming an Adult in Relationships

  1. Pingback: 7 Mature Argument Strategies | What Women Want Today

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  3. vanitha

    My friend is unemployed and a mother of 4. Her husband is self employed and makes very less money. When there is some high cash flow….he takes his family to a hotel and sends the rest to his mother and family. Without being able to manage the financial stress whenever he doesnt like something his wife is doing he will start to yell at her pointing out that she is not working and he is the only one working. Even if she goes to work it would be a lottery for him and he would start sending more money. What is the solution for this? My friend needs a solution. She is very hurt. She takes care of the kids and house and never been appreciated for anything. All she gets is some hurting words and treated like dirt. Even if she goes to work it would be a lottery for him and he would start sending more money. What is the solution for this? My friend needs a solution.

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  4. Miriam Pia

    Since I’m also a writer I naturally wonder how much the author is being paid or has been paid for doing this work. I liked this article but in truth I think that simply telling people that all of their problems are caused by their attitudes towards themselves is not always appropriate. Would tell that to someone who’s home has been burgled, or who’s parent abandoned them or who was a rape victim? “You just need to love yourself more!”…While this can be a helpful comment it can also be a lot like telling a homeless person, “Get a job!” In some cases that is actually helpful but often times all it does it hurt someone who is already hurting.

    However, I do feel that healthy self acceptance and self-love are important. Excessive selfishness is evil and insufficient self love is also evil. If you are selfless: please treat yourself with the same decency as you would a complete total stranger to whom you would send charity donations, police or fire dept. assistance, shelters, emotional support, kindness, compassion etc.. If you are too selfish – please remember that you will survive even if you do not always get your way and that by working with others you may discover that there are rewards for being considerate of others. You will have more fun when others like you because you were not so selfish that no one does.

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  5. Believer

    Dear Faith,
    I second what Gina Rose said…please keep writing!!
    Your stories & articles come across so beautifully…make so much sense…on subjects that mystify many of us.
    Happy Thanksgiving to All!

    Reply
  6. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Faith,
    Your Moon & Mercury are conjunct in pisces…..that explains your ability to write about and teach in the psychic field.
    My Moon & Mars are also within 3 degrees of each other in Pisces.
    Please keep writing…..!!!!
    Blessed Be )O(…..Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply
  7. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Faith….
    I agree 500%….some connections are brought to us as an opportunity by which we can learn & grow. It’s All about learning and growing.
    You are my personal favorite article writer…the articles in here are all good, don’t get me wrong…..
    …but Faith, you really have a gift for writing AND teaching.
    The Grace vs Karma article was outstanding and so is this article as well.
    I’ll be busy now,through Jan 1st , but I’m glad I checked out the blog this AM and saw this latest article by Faith.
    Happy Thanksgiving to you, Faith, and your loved ones.
    Blessed Be )O(…..Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply
  8. mimi

    Miri, darling, you are a creature of God, a child of God and were brought to this earth in resplendant beauty! See only the goodness in yourself and let your light shine forth! You MUST practice every day to “retrain” the old thought patterns and / or “re=record” old tapes from your childhood. Start this way. Write yourself 2 lists and five love notes — lists go: on your bathroom mirror (4 great things about me….) and on your refrigerator (what makes ME special!). then the 5 love notes are: “I have a great smile..” “I make others laugh” etc. Put one in uyour purse, one in your backpack, one in your lunch, one in your desk drawer, etc. and SURPRISE yourself every day! Soon you will BELIEVE it and let your light shine for others to see, absorb, and love!! U R GREAT! U must believe it! xo, Mimi

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  9. miri

    Hi Mariposa
    you’re a very smart lady, your artical cought my eye. in my case i grew up in a love less family . deprived of affection and love i experienced most of my life criticism that crunched my self esttem to zero now i’m about fifty years old and never know what to experience true love and very lonly. i have been with many psychics befor and all I got most of the time screwed up by taking advantage of me. so I do not know how i can save myself from this agony. your artical is make sense but i am having a hard time to love myself because i do not know what love is . that ‘s how sad it is. i will more than happy to recieve any comment. g-d bless you

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  10. hoffanoya

    Wow…. I love the fact that you can have absolute power over how you feel and how you can process the past traumas to be a better person. I have learned from the past and to be more aware of life in general by not allowing others to dictate how I should feel. Life is too short not to love every minute of it and all it brings. It’s a beautiful world with other sould struggling in their paths as we struggle with ours. Learning and living….. awesome!!!

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  11. Renee

    No sleep for me last night either, and I was wiped out when I went to bed. Gave up at 6:30 a.m. My head is buzzing like mad today. WHAT is going on? I always fall asleep once the dogs are settled in around me. Come to think of it, they were crowding last night — not normal.

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  12. Mekenya

    I absolutely agree with your article. It is so true. I can honestly say that I have lived the experience of carrying my baggage, and trust me its counter productive. Sometimes we’re unconscious, often many of us live our lives unconsciously which is the issue, but once we become conscious and have clarity, we need to drop the bags and move on. We don’t want to burden our children with our damaged collateral, os its important to get to the bottom of what it is that ails you and work towards becoming whole.
    Everyone has issues. Awareness and desire to change and be whole is the key to awakening and enlightment and relationship success.

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  13. Abigail Ext 9570

    Jacqueline,
    That buzzing you are talking about is it on the top of your head? Its happening to me too no sleep its an activation of some sort. Sounds like the twilight zone.
    Many Blessings
    ~Abigail~

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  14. Psychic Jacqueline x9472

    Jacqueline x9472 said in reply to Miss Krystal 9192 and Gina Rose ext.9500….
    Hope its ok I jump in here a great dialog going, I wish I could sleep like that 9 hrs, I’m very jeolous…. this solar eclipse has effected me oposite I’m not sleeping very sound at all, and buzzing all over the place, yesterday I weeded my yard and I have a big yard, my husband says I make him tired,
    I think I need to call Phillip….
    Blessings and Hugs,
    Jacqueline x9472

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  15. Cubes

    Another HOT day in LA County!! Hope you’re keeping yourself cool! I’m trying and I’m also trying to get my usual 10 hours sleep! LOL
    :D

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  16. Cubes

    Hello All,
    I can’t wait to be in an adult relationship. lol I’m so ready, I’ve learned so much from my previous marriage of 14 years and a failed relationship of 1 and half years after that. I’ve dated, but have not found the one that’s ready. I have been single for over a year now and have truly worked on myself and really know what I want. Before I got divorced we went to marriage counseling although it was a bit late for us I learned a lot about being in a relationship. I have always been independent even in my relationships that was never a problem for me. Sometimes I thought maybe I was too independent that it was what contribute to my failed relationships, but by reading this I understand that maybe they were really the ones that weren’t the adults and depended on me. LOL Well, I’m waiting for that adult!
    Gina Rose, Sea Turtle and Lise,
    I too have a very strong bond with my daughter. She’s fifteen right now and she’s a very mature teenager, but at the same time she’s not in a hurry to be an adult. She truly lives each day at a time. Everyone has always complimented her dad and I for her up bringing. Just the other day a friend said that she was a very different from other teenagers not moody or rude, happy and polite. lol She’s also very independent just like mommy, he he. She’s not a follower and she’s not a leader she does what she wants to do when she wants by knowing the conciquences. But I also have to be careful of what I do, because she keeps me on my toes, always watching what I do, because she has told me that she admires me and she wants to be like me. Yeah no
    pressure! I’m also teaching her how to love herself and make herself happy and ALWAYS be positve as that is one of my strong points. I believe that she will do just fine.
    I’m so happy that you all have the same bond!
    Talk to ya later!
    :D

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  17. Miss Krystal ext. 9192

    it’s at 29 degrees-I am a 0-1 degree sun in leo and merc in leo. So I have an out of sign conjunction on this one…
    Hope I can keep sleeping like I have been…That would be wonderful…
    I had three months of only sleeping 6 hours a day…Nothing I could do. Wide awake..Ick…Unless it is extreme weather? Hmmmm I do sleep well in the cold…And it has been really hot here lately…No humidity today it’s too dry…I need a little moisture….I like balmy-mild warm weather…75-80 degrees -with some humidity is my favorite…Some humidity lol not a wet bath outside…It is 100 degrees in the corner of LA county I am in right now-super dry. We just got fire warnings…Miss Krystal

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  18. Miss Krystal ext. 9192

    well ever since the eclipse last week, I have been sleeping like a baby…Sometimes nine hours now…I love it!! All natural and free!
    Sleep is the best…My 99 year old grandmother sleeps about twelve hours straight a night…miss krystal

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  19. The Lovely Duckling

    Thanks for your kind words, Mariposa. It helps to be encouraged, even though I know I am going in the right direction. We all deserve love, even those who don’t know how to give it back. I am just glad to be one who can give and receive.
    It sounds like we had similar situations with family. I definitely did not want to grow up to be my parents, either. I grew up learning that if I expected absolutely nothing, then I would always get more than I expected. Fortunately, that grew into optimism and hope, as well as the ability to forgive and let go.
    My relationship with my daughter has helped me a lot, too. I am so aware of the effect of what I do has on my daughter now and years down the road. As Sea Turtle said, I want to be a better person (and a better mother) because of her. She is the most important thing in my life.
    Now if I could just get through to the end of things in this relationship. It feels like a ‘near-life’ experience…I am nearly there to the life I was meant to live.

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  20. Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Miss Krystal…….Phillip would be the one to know that answer….I hope he reads this…..I’m curious too.
    We are coming up on a SOLAR eclipse of the sun July 22nd in the sign of Cancer.
    Blessed Be )O(…gina Rose ext.9500

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  21. Corrine Ext. 5194

    hey!…
    Thanks for the positive reply.
    I really appreciate it, after reading people’s relationships for forever now. I almost always mention this to people caught up in a dependent relationship. It’s one of those things people keep in their mind for a while and meditate on.
    -Corrine ext.5194

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  22. Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi miss Krystal,
    Phillip would be the one who would know that answer….
    Personally speaking…Lunar MOON eclipses always energize me…( but thats me)…and that is because of my NATAL chart….it’s different for each person depending on their natal chart…
    Good question….I hope Phillip sees this posting…we have a SOLAR eclipse of the sun coming up July 22nd in the sign of Cancer too.
    Blessed Be )O(…Gina Rose ext.9500

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  23. Sea Turtle

    Hi Gina Rose!
    YIPPEE for sure!! Congratulations on being a “Grandma”..I can tell you one thing…you lool young to be a Grandmotehr! SOme of my friends are grnadmother’s now…and I tgell them the same thing…Grandma’s sure looked a whole lot “older” when I was a kid!
    We are blessed to have such strong bonds with our children/grandchildren ( don’t have any granchildren yet)
    Hope your day is a good one.
    Hugs back at you!
    ST

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  24. Miss Krystal ext. 9192

    Dear Mariposa,
    Thank you for getting back to me…
    First of all, your story has been my most favorite so far since the blog has started. Honest to God.
    However, we have some other real talent on here….Philip, Abigail and this morning, now Paige, are just a few that I also feel very inspired by, as well as their excellence in communicating thought, through their writing…
    Mariposa, your story touched on the following: Spiritual, psychological, philosophical/metaphysical and then to top it off, a social projection into the future. This was by far, better than stuff I saw back in Grad school. There is a professor in you!! ;)
    Please write more. You truly care for humanity and the fate of our nation….Pour it on, you are very inspiring…Also it shows that you love our country….Cheers to a better future for generations to come…Bravo!
    Miss Krystal

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  25. Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi…..
    I understand… I, too, have a very strong bond with my only child..my daughter. ( and now my Grand-Daughter, yippee!!!!!)
    And I agree….that much judgement in churchs is born from fear…..you will NEVER go wrong in searching for truth and love.
    Hugs…Blessed Be )O(…Gina Rose ext.9500

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  26. Sea Turtle

    Gina Rose,
    I was drinving and thought I could feel “D’s” energy…and as I looked up a car sped by…I heard he got a new one…and I’m almost positive it was him…
    Thinking about him a lot…I hope he’s thinking of me too…
    ST

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  27. Sea Turtle

    Hi Gina Rose.
    Great! Thanks…I keep trying to get in your line..but you’ve been filled to the rim!! And, since I’m on the East Coast, the time difference sometimes gets in the way! I’ll keep trying…
    Yes, not because she is my daughter..but I can honesty tell you that she is one in a million…such an incredible human being. She’s gorgeous to look at..which is really no big deal…as you are eithr born pretty or not…HOWEVER her “being” or essence is different…I could see that early on.
    I do think her physical beauty opens doors and that more people listen to her as she certainly gets peple’s attention by her beauty..and then that radiating spirit!
    When I would comment on it to her, she would say, “OH, Mom…that’s just because your my Mom”…but the older she gets the stronger it gets and the more others with no “emotional connection” to her are commenting.
    We also have an incredibly strong bond. We truly love each other and enjoy being in each others company..that may sound weird as we are Mother/Daughter…in fact, one way I know God does loves me is that he has entrusted me with such a special person as my daughter.
    Funny you would say, “old soul”…as without really understanding or knowing what I was saying, I would often say to myself…she’s an “old soul”…
    She has more friends that anyone I know..from all walks of life and she has hardly EVER said a negative word about anyone. She is the MOST non-judgemental person that I’ve ever met…and I learn a lot from her.
    She thinks the sun rises and sets with me..and her love and high opinion of me is a constant catlayst for me to be a better person.
    As I said, I never mentioned this to her or anyone as I didn’t want to “freak anyone out”…we have been evangelical christians and I know this would not go over well…
    I love the Lord, but know there is more and am striving to learn and to grow spiritually…I think so much of the judgement in the church comes from fear…I don’t understnad why any particular group needs to the “right”…I think in truth it most likely grieves the heart of God that “we” are divided as there is only one source-one God-and most likely we all get parts of it right and could learn from each other if we weren’t so closed minded.
    Just hate that my search sometimes brings on conflicting feelikgs as if I’m being disloyal to Jesus…
    Oh, well, I’m getting kind of heavy…now you know a little more about me.
    I am in search of truth and love and hoping to please God…really am…
    Love and prayers to you Gina Rose.
    You’re a sweet person. Thank you for not thinking I was NUTS when I shared with you my daughter’s writings as a child. I’ll have to look through boxes to see if I can find any…I sure hope I’ve kept some of them!
    ST

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  28. Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Sea Turtle,
    Next time I read you…I’ll read her as well. She is a very OLD soul,(she is not an indigo,as she is too well-adjusted, without indigo markers)…..but an ancient soul.
    My Guides were showing me pictures of the symbols as I read this posting from you……I will read her, next time we speak.
    Blessed Be )O(…Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply
  29. Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Sea Turtle,
    Yes…..My Guides were showing me pictures as I was reading your posting…..next time I read you….I will read on her….too much to post in here.
    She is a very old soul….(however,she is NOT an ” indigo “child, as she is too well-adjusted)……she is an ancient soul with ancient knowledge and carriage.
    Blessed Be )O(….Gina Rose ext.9500
    Yes….I’ve seen spiritual vampires at work….not a pretty site.
    They give credible, genuine psychics a bad rap.

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  30. Corrine Ext. 5194

    Great Article! I agree, you can’t love someone until you know who you are as a person and what you want from your relationship. Instead of looking at a traumatic past like an old wound that hasn’t healed, look at is as a chance to evaluate at your actions. Learn from them and move on to become a better person. Not only does this work with relationships, it should be a general rule of life. Don’t harp or drudge up the past, let it stay in the past so you can move on. Codependency is one of the wost things you can have in a relationship. You lose yourself and and who you are.

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  31. Sea Turtle

    Hi Gina Rose,
    The reminder that we all come into this world alone and leave alone is a good thing to keep in mind.
    One of my lessons this past year was to be alone…initially, I was so afraid to be alone…and to my surprise…I have discovered that I am not afraid…BUT I actually enjoy being alone.
    I have a daughter that is a LIGHT. From the time that she was a small child she just exhibited such a gift. She radiates positive energy…people are always saying that “they just feel better around her”.
    I’m not sure what it is, a healing gift or whatever…but it’s really amazing.
    In fact, she is now an adult and working for a major tv network. Last year, I met one of the head honchos..and he praised my daughter for her abilities, AND THEN he said, there’s something about her…she just walks into a room or a meeting AND WE ALL FEEL BETTER!
    Another strange thing that I have NEVER told anyone. When she was a baby and up to around age 5-she would “draw” these painstakingly detailed scribbles–very neat and orderly…I never thought anything about it…one day I came across writings that were middle eastern or egyptian in origin…and the symbols were familiar. It kind of scared me…and as I said, I’ve never told anyone this as I don’t understand it.
    I didn’t want it to freak her out or anyone else as well. It did freak me out…any thoughts?
    Also, do you think there is such a thing as a “spiritual vampire”?
    Thanks so much!
    ST

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  32. Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Jacqueline,
    LOL…..that’s funny….the part about them leaving the room…..yes, I’ve had that happen to me as well.
    Did you enjoy the eclipse ????? effects of this eclipse will wind on out , slowly,by July 28th.
    Blessed Be )O(…Gina Rose ext.9500

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  33. The Lovely Duckling

    I agree with you, Brienne. There are probably a lot of relationships that would not even get started, too.
    It’s sort of like the advice given on an airplane. Put your own oxygen mask on first before trying to help someone else put on theirs. Love is to the soul what oxygen is to the body. We all need it…

    Reply
  34. Brienne

    As a 25 yr old, newly married woman, I could not agree more with this article! It’s definitely interesting when the childhood relationships cease and we actually find ourselves in an adult relationship. I think every one should read this article. If people followed that so truthfully written here, so many relationships would last and be more healthy.
    Thanks Mariposa!

    Reply
  35. Miss Krystal ext. 9192

    Mariposa, I used to ride horses at a stables called Mariposa Stables….Good memories…
    I think you wrote a wonderful article. I am impressed….And I am glad I read this today.
    Thank you,
    Miss Krystal

    Reply
  36. The Lovely Duckling

    Hi, Jacqueline,
    Yes, it has been the subject of many conversations with some of the readers at CP! The decision has already been made, but I have been seeking guidance to help me find the path I need to be on.
    Thanks for the hugs!
    Cheers,
    Lise :)

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  37. Psychic Jacqueline x9472

    Jacqueline x9472 said in reply to The Lovely Duckling,
    Hi Sweety,
    You are at such a turning point, a time for change, I think it takes us getting the that point, the point where we can give anymore for us to make the big decisions in our life….
    Blessings and Hugs!
    Jacqueline x9472

    Reply
  38. Psychic Jacqueline x9472

    Jacqueline x9472 said in reply to Gina Rose 9500….
    I could not agree more…..but is what is so interesting is that when I’m around someone who is all in there “drama” and I’m upbeat happy, not feeding into there stuff… I have found on many occasions they leave the room or at times just leave all together, it’s that the energies are so different, like mixing water into oil they don’t mix….
    Yes indeed there are those who do feed off of others, you just have to decide to stop feeding them, throw them some sugar and “Run”…..
    Blessings,
    Jacqueline x9472

    Reply
  39. Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi….I wrote up sometghing for you & Matt on “drawing down the sun”…..it didn’t post yet…..I think it will this week or next. ( Jennifer has it already).
    Blessed Be )O(…Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply
  40. Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Mariposa,
    Very good article and also so true.
    One thing I learned in crossing over twice…..the soul comes into this world alone, and the soul goes out the same way.
    We are all down here to walk our own INDIVIDUAL Karmic path and fullfill our own unique, INDIVIDUAL Karmic destiny. Doesn’t matter who your lover, spouse, family,children, or friends are.
    When you are living, REALLY living, your life to the fullest, you project a healthy and positive energy,to others surrounding you.
    By the way….positive energy, and negative, can be seen in one’s aura or energy field by psychics adept at seeing auras.
    Remember…people ” feed ” off of the energy of others.
    In living your life, walking your own Karmic path, you will have MORE to bring to the table, so to speak, in any type of relationship.
    Great advice, Mariposa.
    Blessed Be )O(…Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply
  41. The Lovely Duckling

    Thanks for the great article, Mariposa! It is so difficult to love others or accept the love of others without self-love.
    I especially agree with what you said about codependency…I’m in a relationship with someone who has no self-love. It has been so emotionally draining, because the love I have given has never been enough to fill the void from him having no self-love. I’ve also never been able to show him the way to love himself, either.
    I have given as much love as I can, but he can’t accept it or reciprocate it. He says ‘I love you’ all of the time, but his words are empty. He has no idea how to show what he says. At this point in our relationship, I have no love left for him. It has damaged our relationship, but not the love I have for myself or my capacity to love and be loved.
    I am also lucky have others in my life who have self-love. I have many good relationships with friends and family who can both give and receive love because they love themselves.
    Love is truly the greatest gift to give to others, but it’s good to keep some of it for ourselves.

    Reply
  42. Phillip# 9485

    Dear Butterfly, What a brilliant post! I don’t know if you remember years ago Oprah had Harville Hendrix on alot. He is a psychologist who wrote several books, one of which was entitled, “Getting the Love You Want”. This is what he had discovered, that is that we do alot of substitutions with our partners to heal or replay childhood emotional stress. We all do it until we release the inner wounded child. Until this occurs, we are not free adults. I don’t know if anybody remembers “SOUL CARDS” but there was a card that represents to me a healthy relationship. The card depicts a naked couple, back to back, pointed in opposite directions, but holding hands. They are both doing their lives, but together. I always loved this metaphor. Blessings to you Mariposa. This blog is so valuable to us all.

    Reply

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