10 Ways to Spot a Commitment-Phobe

It’s a little known fact that behind every smart woman lurks a commitment phobic man just waiting to pull her into the depths of a fruitless relationship. Think of it as an alcoholic that really wants to quit drinking… except that the commitment phobic man does not even know he has a drinking problem.  And what is this guy addicted to? Himself.

Here are some surefire ways to spot a commitment-phobe:

1. The Chase. He loves the thrill of the chase, because in the beginning you weren’t really into him. But the minute you turn to face him and give him your love in return, he vanishes.

2. The Distant Servant. In the beginning, the commitment phobic man would do anything for you, including washing your car or bringing you breakfast in bed. All the while, he remained elusively distant and a bit mysterious.

3. The Cheater. This selfish guy hasn’t had a serious relationship lasting over two years, unless he was a very successful cheater. He usually has a back up or two waiting in the wings.

4. Flowers. This charmer loves the idea of romance and will gladly adorn you in your favorite tulips!

5. Love Notes. One of the commitment phobic man’s pastimes is writing little love notes. He does this because he thinks this is what a “good” man does.

6. Extracurricular Activities. This guy usually hides himself in addiction, computers, games, sports, work or other women.

7. The Fight. The commitment phobic man will generally blame you for all of the relationship woes. He loves a good fight because it gives him more reason to leave. And when the relationship is going great, he panics.

8. The Cold Shoulder. This lovebird suddenly, and without warning, becomes cold and distant. The love notes and flowers are a faint memory, and you want the guy you first met back (but remember: the guy you first met was actually a wolf, and not a sheep).

9. Sex Drive. Your once teenage-like sex life has suddenly dwindled into nothing. He no longer has any interest in the physical aspects of the relationship. This is because he knows he is leaving and cannot stomach the guilt of leading you on.

10. Strange Exit. The commitment-phobe leaves the relationship in various confusing ways. Sometimes he forces you to leave him, often he cries and tells you he is confused, or out of guilt he simply disappears like Houdini.

It’s hard to distinguish the wolf from the sheep. But keep in mind that actions always speak louder than words. And if you’ve ever fallen victim to this guy, remember that it is not personal, and his own issues of abandonment keep him from intimacy. He will do this to someone else, and you will know better than to fall into the trap again. And if you learn to love yourself fully and completely, your true knight in shining armor will sweep you off your feet, and the commitment phobic man will become a distant memory.

What are your tips for spotting a commitment-phobe?

31 thoughts on “10 Ways to Spot a Commitment-Phobe

  1. Jenna

    I’m just finally putting my self esteem back together 2 months after dating a person like this for the first time. I had no clue what was going on and for some time blamed myself for the outcome, until finally realizing this had nothing to do with me. I could have been the smartest, prettiest, and most caring significant other to this individual but it still would never have made a difference. Unfortunately, people that deal with this anxiety have to first realize there is a fear that they have and beyond that, need to be willing to and committed to making a change, often through therapy. As sad as it is to see what could have been a great relationship thrown away due to fear I have finally made peace I did nothing wrong.

    As devastating as this experience was for me it was a good learning experience in regards to the dating world and identifying red flags. This particular guy came on very quickly in the beginning mentioning things like making me a key for his house and that I should move down by him (we lived in different states) within weeks when in reality we were still just getting to know each other and it was nowhere near time to be talking about things like that. Oddly enough this all came off as very charming to me at first as I truly began to believe this was the one for me since everything felt so right in the beginning. Funny enough though my gut always sensed this guy would disappear one day with no explanation.

    Fast forward to three months later and this once incredibly loving person who promised a future and “next times” began falling off the face of the earth with fewer calls, text messages, and frequency of seeing each other. Altogether, as I felt in my gut on and off throughout our relationship, you guessed it , he disappeared in a cowardly way. Not a word in 2 months and I expect at this point there never will be a word spoken from him again.

    When dating I have learned trust your intuition. It truly is a powerful thing. If something feels off, it’s probably because it is. Often times we let our emotions and feelings get the best of us when we really like someone, but there is also another part of our brain that picks up on subtle things like body language which also helps us to read and decipher a person even helping us to pick up on when they may not be telling us the complete truth.

    I’ve also learned through this experience listen closely to a persons relationship history. It says a lot usually. The guy I dated had gotten out of a long term relationship (8 years with the girl) about three years ago. Interestingly enough it sounded like he had one relationship after that where a girl lived with him briefly (another big red flag—without a doubt this may have been part of the commitment phobia “fantasy phase” of moving way too quickly) and after this sounded like a string of online dates that only made it to about date two with him. Unfortunately I was the only one he met who made it past this and it ended up breaking me apart emotionally.

    The truth is never give away your heart and emotions to someone who hasn’t truly earned it. Be weary of people who are eager to move quickly in the dating world. Those willing to give you all the time you need are the ones that will be standing by you in the end.

  2. StaceyMay


    Wow it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been in casual type relationship for a year now with a CP. He uses his son for every excuse. I have him all weekend, he is in every sport. Blah blah blah. I understand being an awesome parent I have kids of my own…but seriously…how much time do you need!?!?!

    I am having a hard time letting go. We have broken it off 5 times..he chases…he begs. But I am sick of it. The lies, the bs,the excuses. I basically told him that I don’t know what if anything he wants from me anymore and I am thinking about walking because he doesn’t seem interested and I am loosing interest. I said your walls are too high to scale. So on and so on.

    He replies with I do miss you and sorry you feel that way. After a year that’s what I get..zilich.

    We were fwb…but now their are no benefits which brought me to this article. I now know that he probably doesn’t want to feel guilty. But in 2.5 months we have seen each 2x. Now…I can pretty much guess he has someone else and I’d probably be right. Problem is…he has some of my things and trying to get there to get them seem impossible. I wanted to end this a month ago. He did my a favor or what I thought and ordered something for me. Almost 2 months ago. He has had every excuse as to why we can’t pick it up. I think he is testing me or sabotaging things. But I am almost getting to the point of filing a report. This is the only thing stopping me from ending it.

    I honestly cannot take anymore of the games. His I miss you and blah blah is a game. It is a sick twisted game and I am not sure how it will end. I do know one thing…after a year I am glad he doesn’t know where I live. He doesn’t even know my last name. Its weird. But I am not sure how he will act when I leave for good.

    Yes…we have had amazing times together. I started to fall…but now I am done. No one deserves to be treated like this…no one. I never know when or if I will see or hear from him again…after a year. Finally when he does make plans..he cancels or doesn’t call. The worst thing I have ever endured from a man…sadly I lost a lot of good ones along the way because I thought he would be the one.

  3. olderandwiser

    ok girls….here’s advice from a “long term run” with an “older” commitment phobe…RUNNNN! Embarrassed to say so, but I am very “mature” (late 50’s) Listen up young uns. Get yourself a guy who wants all of what you want in life and is willing to “put up or shut up” with NO strings attached or hoops for you to jump through. 10 1/2 years later, broken engagements, raising the bar, “put off” wedding dates. and never quite getting to the point of “co habituating” because of his “main excuse??” the son he was left raising after a FAILED second marriage (he cheated on the first with her and left No1 and their 5 yr old kid behind…beep beep beep). This went on for over 9 years as the most WONDERFUL boyfriend in the whole wide world used this kid as a human shield as to all the reasons why he couldn’t move forward with us. Needless to say we ended up in counseling(per my request) prior to this first lengthy breakup. Oh there were plenty of the “poof vanished into thin air” breakups. I was “trained” not to bring up any mention of the constant promises for our future and undying love that he professed consistently. If I dared bring up any inconsistent actions, broken promise, absences, newly secretive life style, or disrespectful behavior, Houdini would appear. Days here and there, no word, no calls etc. Dumb me,I had raised my kids, am a professional (so is he) and own my own home, attractive and fit, intelligent, etc…basically no reason on earth why I can make sense of continuing to get my self esteem bashed up against the rocks when I realized the kid(now a man) was his excuse for only ME and his life continued on it’s happy little course in every other venue. Born into our lives?? a grandson, mine, now 6. Now he is TWO people to pull the disappearing act and break promises too. As you did Jojo…I took him back again after a 6 month disappearing act. Shows up sobbing, apologizing, flowers, and a line of BS about his realization where he needed to be and wanted to spend his life with us…. blah blah blah. Back to the counselor we go, me with the vision of “now we live our happily ever after”. Surprise! All you had to do is mention the words, “move forward” and you have “Bambi” in the headlights. So do they change…HELL NO!!! unless they want to get to the bottom of THEIR issues, I thought I had the one “that wanted to change and live happily ever after and grow old with a woman who adored him”, but last but not least?? The kid grows up, starts to get his life together and the CP fiancée is out the door with a younger woman. Just like that .Girls there are plenty of men who won’t exploit you and love you for WHO you are and NOT what THEY get out of it. You can love and trust them as a partner and equal all you want…its a dream Someone who is CP will NEVER treat you as an equal partner no matter what line they feed you.No matter what you do, it will not be the “right” thing to do, it won’t be good enough, or the “winning” move to capture his fidelity and commitment. I have a few words of advice, In the future, 1) listen VERY carefully to past history. Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior and 2) IF IT QUACKS LIKE A DUCK AND WALKS LIKE A DUCK….IT’S A DUCK!” ”
    PS I’d be interested to hear if some of these older posts who took back a man with this problem ended in a successful and satisfying relationship for THEM

  4. Jojo

    Let me just tell you that often these men give you what you want once you get the strength to leave them. I was with a commitment phobe for a year. He exhibited many, not all, of the signs above. He was so “confused” about being with me, so I walked. Lo and behold 6 months later he’s back, he was in therapy, he saw what he was missing, blah blah blah. I took him back. He proposed, we got married, and 1 year in he was cheating on me with a string of lovers. He kept it hidden for 2 years. When I finally found out I was so mad at myself for ever believing that a commitment phobic man can change. These men are so messed up. They will crush your spirit and take everything from you that is good, trusting, and pure. I’m divorced now (thank gawd) and since then I dated another one of these guys, but I was able to spot the issues about 7 months in, so I dumped him. These guys come in all different varieties so it may take you some time to connect the dots. My advice? Get a therapist!!! And, if you have ever been involved with one of these guys, tread carefully with ALL men. Often there is something within us that draws us to these men and they prey on that. Some of these men are experts at disguising their issues because they know they are commitment phobes and they know the signs, so they try to hide it by going through the motions of what a good boyfriend does. But you will feel the lack of authenticity because the depth will always be missing and You’ll really notice it during love making. Keep your eyes open, keep your wisdom at the front of your mind, listen to your gut and be prepared to walk if you start to see the pattern. No second chances. These men DO NOT CHANGE.

  5. amy

    reading this article and reading some of these responses has opened my eyes to my “relationship” that i am in now! my “boyfriend” fits all of the commitment phobe acts expect like two of them….its crazy because this whole time we have been together, i felt like i was the one with all the issues, an as no one is perfect, but it is such relief that i am not alone or even the reason for our hurdles in this relationship. relationships are so difficult and demanding. i always wanted someone to love and i jus want the same in return. i feel like i dont ask for much but to them it maybe too much. sighs, i guess i have no choice but to co nti nue living my life and just pray that one day i can finally get what i want from a man and i can equally give it back.

  6. debbiel

    I made a big mistake and took my commitment phobe back and instead of getting my heart broken just once, it happened twice in the same year.

    We were apart for three months and then, he had this big turn around and he wanted to be with me again. He had all this huge insight. He was very apologetic. He cried. He told me that he choose me.

    Yeah. Right. Five months later, he was doing the same thing as before. Questioning the relationship, pushing me away, and telling me I was the reason he was doing it. He blamed me for his behavior! Behavior that he has repeated his whole life in other relationships and this was MY fault?

    He thought he might have made the wrong choice.

    Again, he walked at a vulnerable time for me. After I spent a month sitting with him in the ICU while his father died.

    He threw me away. Again.

    Anyone would wonder why I would take him back or care….It was because during the periods he wanted in the relationship, he was a DREAM boyfriend. Thoughtful, considerate, loving, giving, kind, understanding, generous, fun, playful, sexy. It was wonderful. And, I love him. Which is the worst part because this other side happens so quick and you are so connected and close (like he used the word forever two weeks before he went into his distancing cycle again)……He came home from a business trip and we had had a lovely night and morning and he told me in the car on the way back from breakfast that he didn’t know if he ever wanted to be in a long term committed relationship again…..I flipped.

    Flipped. It was like…what? You are going to do this, AGAIN? Once the cycle started again, he would try and stay in but pretty soon he wanted months of space and the space went from taking care of personal issues and going to see a couple’s therapist….to weighing the benefits and priorities of freedom versus intimacy. Then, it was….some freedoms are winning out over intimacy.

    He went through his cycle all over again and blamed me for it. Worse, he became very arrogant around his behavior as if it was perfectly logical and no sane man would commit to me, it was pretty abusive.

    If a commitment phobic guy comes back, you have to make his getting treatment and therapy for his issue a CONDITION of becoming involved again. And, go to couple’s counseling.

    I had never been through a full cycle with this man before. I didn’t know he was capable of such huge remorse only to do the exact same thing all over again. People keep telling me he will be back. I don’t think so because I called him out so hard and wouldn’t own his bs and told him he was a commitment phobe and he was ruled by his actions.

    Lastly, I HATE the stupid sites about trying to get a man to commit to you. It is nuts. It is all about manipulative games that don’t allow you to have any needs or feelings or make any requests of the relationship directly. Basically, you are supposed to treat these men like frightened woodland creatures that may scurry away at any time. They should be banned. My question…if showing interest and caring towards a man makes him scared of you, why the hell are we devising tactics to get him to stay? It is akin to a site about alcoholics telling their wives to hide the bottles. Basically, take responsibility for his issue and working around it rather then him dealing with the actual issue.


  7. A-Bomb

    Women are not trust-worthy, they are all out for themselves. Their main goal is to control men, tell him what he IS and IS NOT going to do. It’s all about control, so they can manipulate men into doing whatever the woman wants him to do. This is why I am a commitment-phobe….I don’t want some piece of ass to come into my life, and not let me do what I want when I want. You can call me a commitment-phobe, if you want…I call it living my own life, and not being controlled by a piece of meat.

  8. thenicegirl

    Debbie, I totally agree with you.
    We can’t change them. Just leave them! Plenty of guys out there looking for a real relationship.

    I was dating this guy for 6 months.
    He would see me once a week, (take me out for a dinner on Saturday night, or some activity like bowling, beer, or movie theater) or twice if we go to yoga class That’s it. No phone calls in between. Not good morning/good night/ how’s your day text messages) No progress in the relationship Sometimes he will take me to church, or friend’s dinners dates or parties, but then he would step back again. He used to plan our dates a head, was very polite and respectful. He quit the dating site we met on 2hd week. (He doesn’t know that I know that!)

    So I thought he was just taking it slow, until I realized he was not going to commit.
    He kept it very casual, no intimacy, no relationship talks, he was in total control of it, he protected himself, it was all about his desires and pace. I payed all the price. On 3rd month I realized something was wrong, because I could tell he really liked me, we always had amazing time together. But no progress. I never invited him even once to hang out, he did all the work, during 6months, we saw each other every week. No exception.
    So, I know he liked me. He just can’t hit the freeway. Something is holding him back.
    One thing is dating casually for 1 or 2 months and then split, its normal. Another thing is dating for 6months ‘casually’ with no progress!

    Who takes you to church, dinner at his best friend’s house, business conference in another town, introduce to his boss, if u are not his gf?! Plus we barely have any intimacy, because our religion…so its not a buddy call!

    These guys always send subtle messages and we have to catch it.
    My sister told me, watch out, He is 36, good looking, successful, is not a party boy, he might have a problem.! I didn’t listen to her.

    Don’t waste your time with this guys, they will make you confused, frustrated and broken hearted. I know what I went trough! Move on!
    They look like sheep, but they are selfish wolfs.

  9. Debbie

    Just leave.

    I just had to do it, and it sucked. He sucker punched me, he tried to break up when I was really sick and really down. I argued with him at first, and he was kind of vacillating and thinking about it. But, I finally just broke and left him.

    He was backtracking.

    So, I left and told him off. Really confusing. He would be super close and I thought I was the love of his life, and then he pushed me so hard away my head was spinning.

    He did not want to commit. And, he made it about me rather then his commitment issues because he couldn’t own it.

    He never wanted to marry again…thought relationships should only last as long as they worked for both people (i.e. him). I had to take all the risks to move towards him. I always apologized first. I initiated with him. I was the one who argued for the relationship.

    It was ridiculous. I think he wanted the relationship but he convinced himself that it couldn’t be good to protect himself. In the end, he was stating that my dislike of James Taylor was a reason. He was really stretching. And, I don’t think this will bring him any happiness. Only temporary relief and regaining his feeling of control until he craves intimacy again. He has done it so much, he is now at the point of talking himself into just being single forever because he can’t bear the risk of going through this again.

    He was so arrogant about it. Like I was making a big deal over nothing. He needed to feel completely safe and in control of the relationship and he could not handle fights at all. Like wouldn’t speak to me for one or two weeks after. And, what else? Oh. What were those fights about? COMMITMENT. That is really all we disagreed over.

    He was Jeckyl and Hyde in slow motion.

    Leave. Forget the stupid advice articles that tell you how to win him and be patient. A little cold feet is one thing. But, if you are fighting because he views relationships and commitment differently from you, believe him and forget about changing him. Change yourself by leaving the relationship and refuse to settle for anyone who won’t give you the level of commitment you want to move forward. These men….acting like they are doing us some big favor. Please!

  10. kayla

    i failed to see anything about commitment phobic women? Us commitment phobes (well the female ones) actually want a relationship, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty and its happening before our eyes we dissapear, scared shitless, with anxiety enough to get perscribed a Lexapro. and by the way the chase is the best part.

  11. WhyGuru

    The commitment phobe is usually an extremely insecure man who has had his ego shattered in the past. What he craves most is love, but to be in a healthy relationship he as to open himself up to being hurt again. Women are more resilient with their hearts. They will be hurt, but still march forward looking for love without the same hang-ups. Men have to project an air of strength and power, when inside they are quaking in their boots for fear of rejection and hurt. This bitterness sets them off onto an idealistic search for the perfect, non-existent, dream woman…his “Unicorn”. No one woman can meet all of his criteria and he goes through women finding fault and not having the stones to stand up to the challenge of working an issue through. To relieve his guilt, he takes a passive agressive approach and blames these women for everything leading to the shattering of is unrealistic expectations. To these men I say, grow some stones… Get over it or join a monestary!!!

  12. Mira

    I may be writing this into the lelnoy depths of cyber-space given it has been two months since the original post but oh well, I have to comment, even just for my own benefit.I stumbled across this blog because I was doing research about why I am single. I am 26 and have only had a few very short term relationships and no sex. I have no religious beliefs or past sexual trauma to explain my abstinance. I am social and confident in most other parts of my life. I even for the most part enjoy my single life. I usually go through waves of I wish I could find someone and I love being able to do what I want when I want. But now that most of my friends are in committed relationships or married, the feeling of loneliness is stronger because I am alone more often, and not of out choice, but because no one is available to spend time with. I do have one single friend who I spend a lot of my time with. He happens to be a man and I am attracted to him but in our two years of being single friends and spending a lot of time together alone. I do not know why nothing has happend between us. What I do now is that this is a trend. I have had three other relationships with guys just like this. When and if I get the gumption (or foolishiness) to say something about how I feel the friendship ends. I am also not a committment phobe, other than working way too much, which I think is an effect of the loneliness, I don’t fit any of those symptoms. I do really want to find someone. I want to have someone to spend my down time with, someone that I can talk to everyday about nothing in particular, someone who looks and me and feels good just because I am theirs. So why I am still alone does not make sense.Switching gears here I was struck by the fact that you move around a lot. I too move around, From FL to NY to CA to AZ back to CA and I am making plans to move either back to NY or to New Orleans in the next year. When I move I feel that this is going to be the time and place that I find someone to spend my time with. So back to why I am single, I think it is fear of intimacy. I am afraid particularly of physical intimacy. I think that is a growing problem. Each year that I do not date or am not in a relationship becomes another year to put on my years that I have been alone ticker. As the number grows so too does my feeling of oddness, that others will find me odd. As if the number becomes some rating of my normalcy. My 27th birthday is coming up and I have felt very sad about it. That is why I have started research so that I can try to take some action on it. A lot of my friends tell me that it will happen in time. And it honestly does make me feel better. But I know that it is not true as long as I am subconsciously closing myself off to finding someone. I don’t know. I am not sure if any of this helped (you or me) but there it is for what it is worth.

  13. Mel

    I have been dating this guy for 4 years and it’s like a cycle . I catch him in his lies ,we discuss his behavior he tells me he’s going to change and he has learned his lesson, than he waits a while until things are going good and than he bites me.. This guy has every one fooled thinking that he is the ideal man and that i am in ungrateful , but they don’t even no the half of it… But he can be sweet,fun,and loving but It doesn’t last long….

  14. contempl8to

    Disclaimer- If you take offense to this just consider it artistic imagination, If you agree then consider it acute observation….LOL! Well Ms Wilcox, some would call it Clingaphobia. Most men are natural Clingaphobics….some just bend with the current cultural status quo of devoted commiter better than others, for instance body hair is out of favor as male effeminization proceeds in society…some will shave in order to follow current trends while many others let it grow naturally, most fall in the middle somewhere. In our native state men are seed spreaders, just a fact. Let’s now talk about all the Clingaholics out there that want to possess another for that creepy word…fo-eva! Most women are natural Clingaholics…they want a provider to help build their nest in order to better feed their biological drive to successfully raise offspring. Women have certainly been winning the tide of cultural evolution in modern times and the fact that men who behave as men are being denigraded in our society is a clear sign of this cascade….Lesson wrap up time….So ladies if you are looking for a real man find a hairy commitment-phobe.

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  16. Galina

    Great article. I have been in a long-term relationship with a commitment phobe, and have come to a decision to end it, since not only it is taking me nowhere, but I feel that every time things start going well for me, the guy starts resenting it and putting me down with subtly humiliating remarks. I got tired of being a “jack in the box” being seen only at my place, never being invited to his, or to spend some time out together.

    There are very enjoyable aspects to the relationship – sex is great, and we can talk for hours on end. However, to me it feels like a thoroughly unfair arrangement – on his terms. He wants to be “in the now”, “enjoying the moment”. Well, when someone is talking this way, I am afraid that it only means that the woman is not “the one”, and that they are highly unlikely to ever want to commit to her (or perhaps anyone else).

    These people have their own issues to deal with, and it is not for us to heal them. What we can do for ourselves is to learn to be emotionally independent, and develop a healthy level of love and self-respect for ourselves. It is a process which takes time, but it is so much worth it! Once we gain this independence, we can turn the tables on characters like this, and will be ready for an equal and loving relationship from someone worth our love.

    Stay free and happy!


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  19. Tamara Nicholas

    Ha! I’m currently married to this man. Poor me I know. Well, I guess that’s what I get for not listening to what my mom told me when I was going through my divorce. You reap what you sow ya know? It’s my own damn fault. I truly believe this man is my soul mate though. Soul mates are not always a good thing either. Not all the way good anyway. They are here to finish unfinished business no? Well, aparently he had to teach me that I shouldn’t count a man, shouldn’t ever become dependent on another individual for my livelihood and should always remain an independent self sufficient WOMAN/HUMAN BEING. STAND IN YOUR POWER in other words. He came to me in several dreams prior to our getting together and they were very pleasant dreams. I could feel his “pull” from his sakral chakra to my sakral chakra from across the room prior to our getting together. He is 19 years my senior and I never thought for a minute I’d have to worry about him stepping out on me. I was very thin, attractive, independent, and powerful when we first met and got together. Within a two year’s time he had broken me of all that. I became very physically ill because I supressed the truth about what he was doing with another woman(women) and it played out (the emotional/mental process) on my physical well-being. Soon I was so ill I seriously though I was dying from cancer and had been back and forth to the hospital and to so many medical specialists without finding anything very specific I had ran up a medical tab of over $12,000.00. I finally decided what the TRUTH about everything including my health issues were and began to research for answers. I picked up my research about the mistress and through phone records and public search engines that private investigators use and because in all that time I had a check book stolen from me (there are a lot of dynamics to my story) I found out that my husband had not only been telling this woman all about me but he had been conspiring with her to steal my identity. She had many aliases and kept company with individuals who had many aliases. I knew they were out doing things that were illegal I just didn’t know what then it dawned on me as I saw my first name several times in their “relative” list about my checkbook that came up missing. Then a phone number I searched that my husband had made a call to that came back with no last name but the first name was “Nick” which is the name he used to go by when he lived in another state and all his former friends used to call him by that name. All the phone numbers I was tracing from his cell phone were coming back with first names which corresponded with first names from the “relatives” list on the mistresses search criteria. I started to search the names from the phone record to cross reference all of them and then I did a search of my maiden name and BINGO!!! He has been using my info – better – they have been using my info to do what? Check fraud? Loan applications? Rent apartments? Cell phones? Utilities? What else??? I have not a f-ing clue but I do know this – I never gave permission for him to do any of this. He fits the profile of what you described in many of your articles. “The Tool,” this one, “The Liar…” He’s a sociopath!

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  21. tamarr

    Ivy, it’s true sometimes someone is scared–of course. If you saw those two people together you might tell them to slow down–but chances are they won’t–most of all, not the committment phobic one who is doing all the pursuing in the beginning.
    It’s true what you say that if we stay in the now there *is*no future to fear.
    But someone who does a hardsell to seduce and/or pursue another only to later run– has deeper issues and won’t do any sitting still in the “now” for long.
    Chances are he or she won’t even come in to see you or another reader, and definitely not a therapist either.
    But even if they do come in, they will soon find an excuse to stop.
    It is true it is all about fear.
    But we cannot “fix” someone who does’nt have the desire to be different in the first place.
    These issues are very deep, and usually buried within shame from long ago
    Therefore, as you know, with shame based issues, the person is only dimly aware most of the time that any of this is a problem.The most any person faced with the behavior of some of the above “signs” can od is slow down his/herself and be on the lookout for any other strange behavior and take care of his/her own needs.

  22. tamarr

    I can add another Tip.
    Sadly, when we are maried or living with someone even if we’re unhappy and finally do leave the perosn–almost always when someone pursues us then and stays with us awhile while we’re still in that other relationship–that person is committment phobic him or herself.
    I *know* it’s not always always true.But I know that it is almost every time–because that’s why they “accept” it–even when it makes them unhappy, unconsciously, they don’t really want to be able to be that intimate with anyone.
    Some people who meet someone who is married/committed and are kinda naiive, might truly be willing to give it a go and will continue given the chance.
    But I’ve noted that they still have real issues with intimacy, big time.
    Now, I don’t say that as judgment or criticism.
    No one chooses to be that way, and we all got the families of origin we were born or adopted into the same way..And *my* intimacy issues are plenty to deal with for *me*!
    But I *am* saying that we ought to keep our eyes open.
    While slowing down won’t keep a real committment phobe with us for long, it does help *us* like Gina Rose was saying.
    And if we and someone are not sure–at least we can take time to get to know one another before making a bigger committment and breaking one another’s hearts by rushing into marriage or living together, and perhaps being shocked at how much we didn’t know.

  23. jessica

    Emily, this is a great piece! This combined with Ivy’s very astute observation can be very powerful.

    In other words, knowing that I can’t take responsibility for his stuff, on the one hand, but on the other hand, I can take responsibility for my part in the relationship, and I can set the emotional pace. I can make it more comfortable for myself–usually, if one is being unrealistically swept off one’s feet, one’s gut feeling will make that lack of realism known–and because I’m more comfortable, he can relax more.

    Then if he disappears, I’m not so wrapped up and I can see that he just can’t show up anymore. Not only that, but if the pace was more comfortable for me all along, then I’ll have had a chance to see and to listen to my intuition and not have been caught off guard.

    I wish you all a lovely day!

  24. lostinlove

    I dated this guy once – and I am still in love with him. How do I get over him? He was the best lover ever! He was very attentive, he was wonderful in every way. I was married, not happily married, but none the less, married when we started seeing each other. Then as my separation turned into reality, he started getting real distant, then he says “I don’t want to lose what we have, but I don’t want to hurt you either.” What the heck does that mean?!? He broke my heart and I am mad at him and I still want him. What’s with that? Great article tho – nice to know there are more than just one of them out there. I will be more careful in the future.

  25. James McGuinness

    Many thanks for this article it is helping a bit. Just split up from my boyfriend of 7years (he would not commit) because I discovered that he has been seeing someone else for a year. She has recently left her husband and moved in with my boyfriend. She has even pushed herself into his office (he works for himself). I dont understand he would not commit to me but he suddenly has to someone else.

  26. sarahm

    I dated a few guys like this…to the T! I don’t believe girls should wait around cause guys are scared. These guys live in fear, but that’s not the gal’s prob. Thanks for the article!

  27. ivyx5198

    Thank you for the article. I disagree. Sorry:) Now, when you are all finished throwing your popcorn at me allow me to tell you why:) I see with my clients that sometimes when someone is backing up, they feel pressured and scared. Unsually the fear is coming from them. Sometimes if this person is going a mile a minute, you need to slow them down.Stay in the moment. Return to the body. Stay here. Try to stop looking forward. If I stay present,there is no such thing as a commitment-phobe. Right now is perfect. oxox
    Namaste, Ivy x5198

  28. velvetoversteel

    I almost dated this type a few years ago. I am so thankful that I listened to my intuition, asked around and got the scope on him. I was lucky that he was from the same general area. I could have been fooled on an internet dating site.

    Great adive and Warnings, Emily! ~ Coreen

  29. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Excellent article, Emily…..

    LOL!!!!!……My clients tell me that they regularly run into # 1 AND # 10 on the Internet dating sites, the type of person that comes on super strong and fast……then disappears in a the blink of an eye.

    That’s why, especially when using Internet dating sites, it pays to take it SLOW , and really take your time in getting to know that person well.

    Look forward to reading more articles written by Emily.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500


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