Liam, I have suffered so much in my love life, and I finally met the one for me. He gives me everything. He doesn’t hurt me like others did. But there is a problem. We don’t have sex. He is very loving and sweet. He takes care of me, but he makes so many excuses to not have sex with me. Why is that? I feel that he’s not attracted to me. Is it that he only cares very much about me but doesn’t love me? We are getting married next year, but I’m having second thoughts about it. I can’t live a sex-free life. I don’t want to end up cheating on him. He is perfect for me. It’s just the sex part that I’m worried about. I’ve asked him about it. But he’s says that he just comes home tired from work every day. But I’ve caught him several times looking at other girls, watching porn and playing with himself. Why is he like this? I know he loves sex but why not with me? Sometimes I feel that he’s in love with someone else but can’t have her, and I was his last choice. There where many girls before me. I feel miserable. I just need to know what’s going on before I make the biggest decision in my life to marry him.
Greetings, Brenda, and thank you for sharing this dilemma. You know, I look at your energy and I see a sweet, innocent soul and I wish the world could be kinder to such sensitive sorts. Unfortunately, the reality is that neither love nor sex are kind and nature is seldom gentle. I want you to understand right away that what I’m about to say is by no means a judgement of you as a person. But the sad fact is, you suffer so much in love because you go into it blindly, always hoping for that happily-ever-after. You refuse to see anything but the very best in your lovers even when it’s obvious they’re little more than cads with the very slightest of admirable qualities,which they artificially magnify for your benefit at every opportunity—at least in the beginning.
In this case, you write to me and insist that this man is perfect for you. You go on and on about how grand he is to you. You cite the sexual issue as a concern, but claim that on an emotional level, everything with him is amazing. But sex and emotional connection go hand in hand between couples. They are part and parcel of the same essential drama. And on the stage of this particular theater of desire, I smell a villain.
Now, sex and love are not the same thing and we certainly need not have one in order to have the other. Marriages have never been about being in love and they’re certainly not about all-consuming, red-hot passion. In Asian culture, it is the very happy couple who never knows the upheavals of our western soap-opera love. Marriage is a contract concerning genetic bonding for the production of offspring. It’s about property, family, and successful teamwork in life.
Now some couples manage to have their sane, stable partnership and eat the delicious cake of sexual passion too. And then there are those who must order their dessert separately. Such is life. But even for the most formal marital partners, sex will play at least a small part in their pair bonding. After all, genetic coupling is a fundamental base to the whole business. But let’s forget about what others do or don’t do. For you, marriage without sex just wouldn’t be acceptable. And if you aren’t having sex with this man now, believe me, things are not going to get any better after the wedding. Why are you inclined to be engaged to a man who won’t go to bed with you when he obviously has, and does, go to bed with others?
What this man has found in you is one naive enough to swallow his lies if he sprinkles enough sugar on their tops. Your self-esteem is low enough to allow you to accept this treatment so long as he makes good on his promise to marry you. He will marry you. He’ll marry you just like he says and then he’ll be totally in charge of your life. Not only does he crave the power to dominate you emotionally, but I suspect you have some other assets he’s keen to get his hands on as well.You may not want to believe this, my dear, but this guy is after something. He’s not in this relationship because he loves you. I’m not sure he even likes you. But he knows you’d make a good home base—a stable, secure someone he could hold under his thumb while he does whatever he wants with whomever he wants whenever he wants.
If you marry this man he will turn into an abusive monarch overnight—a bully who will amuse himself by making you feel small. You’re being lied to, Brenda. You’re being played. Ask yourself what it is you have that he’s after. I’m pretty sure you already know the answer.
Do you have a question for Liam? Ask Liam your question now.