You’re married, but enticed by someone you met online. Should you risk it all to have an affair? Psychic Liam delves into this and reveals more than you think.
Just Because You Can Have an Affair, Doesn’t Mean You Should
Lorraine from Mbabane, Swaziland asks:
Your advice on my dilemma will be really appreciated. I just broke up with the father of my two children in the most horrible way! I had a cyber affair with a younger man I met online. Even though, I suspected that he had feelings for me, he never came out and said so. I could never gauge just what kind of relationship we had. I resigned myself to the fact that we would just be online friends (albeit with sexual benefits). He was shot on duty recently and almost died. He came out of his coma and has decided that he loves me and wants to be with me (even though we have not met personally yet). He sent me a mail declaring his love and intentions, then emailed my partner to tell him to leave so that we could be together, along with all our correspondence of three years. My partner has understandably walked out on me, but I am sitting in a fog of uncertainty. I don’t know if this man will be with me, or what his intentions are. Could you please help me?
Greetings, Lorraine, and thank you so much for this thought provoking inquiry. In looking at your young friend, I see one inflamed with passion; alive with the ardor of his youth and the power of his time spent on the field of battle. His courage in matters of amore is very refreshing in our era of apathetic self-absorption… It makes me think there might be some hope for modern men yet. I’m afraid you had little idea as you indulged in your midnight temptations with this fellow that you were dealing with such a brazen knight. You are going to have to conduct yourself with a bit more cunning from here on out if you are going to survive this ordeal intact. Navigating such stormy seas is treacherous and my advice would be to put the brakes on both these men for a time. Exercise your prerogative with each of them to call a Lady’s Time Out, and get yourself some much-needed breathing room.
Putting passions aside for a moment, let’s delve into this matter with a practical attitude. It’s not such an unusual situation really. People have been marrying spouses, and then taking lovers for time immemorial. The trick is to realize that the two usually have very different purposes. A husband, a life partner, is sought for domestic survival; for financial security, genetic endowment, friendship and the establishment of a strong home base where children can be raised successfully. Lovers aren’t really sought so much as they find us. These relationships are generally tumultuous, wild, all-consuming experiences, creative and forbidden. With our spouses, we play by the rules. With our lovers, we seek to break them. A reconciliation of those opposing positions is almost impossible despite our constant desire to have the best of both worlds. Very often, the attempt to make a passionate lover into a pair-bonded friend and mate, ends in disaster, abuse, or worse.
This young man is in love with you. He’s desperate and frantic, as young men often are. To his mind you are the Lady Fair, his courted Guinevere. In the heydays of courtly love, it was thought essential for consummation to be avoided in such relationships, which usually took place between a married woman and a knight of the realm. The idea was that such a union was holy and sacred, and sex would only defile it. In the case of you and your lover, the same ideal is at work; your separation is part of the tragedy of the experience. It is the elixir that compels your plight. But this young man is not ready for marriage in real life. Like a knight errant, he has been away and gotten wounded in a noble cause. Mortal terror is an unrelenting mentor. One true taste and many are altered forever. Now he longs for a life far away from the battlefield filled with quiet time and the warm pleasures of hearth and home. He fixates on you because you’re a wife and mother ready-made. But though his aggressive charge to win your hand is commendable, it also betrays his lack of discretion and maturity. Marriage is a serious business and, try as he might, this one just isn’t equipped yet. He’d come to you, settle down, and in a few years, he’d be bored again. The two of you would come to resent one another on so many levels…
Go back to your husband, and talk to him. Tell him to stop being such a child, as you already have two of those to raise. Life happens… affairs happen… both you and your spouse need to quit being so selfish and behave like adults. Tell him the door’s open if he wants to talk, and then really talk. Rebuild your friendship, if you can. You’ve got a life that needs fixing, and a family that is your duty just now. It might work out between the two of you and it might not, but basing your future on the impetuous actions of a man you’ve never even met face-to-face is ludicrous. Tell that young soldier to go live out his youth. One day, you may choose to meet him again… or not. In any case, keep your wits about you.
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