I’m not sure my mind can handle much more of this anguish! I feel I may have missed my soulmate, for lack of a better word. I am married to a wonderful man, we have been together for 10 years, and have two young children. I thought I had everything I ever wanted. My early love life was hurtful and confusing. It was marked powerfully by an intense but short relationship with a magnetic young man. I ‘ran away’ from the intensity and because I thought I had made a fool of myself. After 17 years I had a candid discussion with this man and found out that he did in fact love me back then. Immediately my heart raced and my head spun. It felt like I had been given my soul back. My spark for life returned and things seemed so clear. Now, I fear that I have married my husband for security and friendship, because I believed that passion and security can’t be found together. Have I missed out on my ‘true love’ and can we be together later in life, or am I with who I’m meant to be with? Yours in heartache.
I thank you, Janene, for sharing your situation. Your words are heavy with the dew of sorrow and the anguish that only the truest of passions can bring. One can know a love is real when it gives such pain. I feel in your case the love you have for this man from the past is indeed Nature’s fevered kiss upon your brow … You were able to distract yourself for a while … You ran and hid from Her embrace. But you will not be so lucky this second time … Unfortunately now your path will have to be one of tragedy, but I urge you to follow to its end despite the pain … for to do otherwise is to sink into a kind of living death. You are not happy in your marriage, and don’t try to fool yourself into believing you ever have been. What you are is numb and tired. You are acting in a role, and you are always alone.
As for this man from your past … the connection between you is a very tricky one. I sense a roguish energy around him and such is not always a bad thing; he seems not to have had an easy time of life. Often to get by he’s had to use certain attributes to his advantage. He’s not what you would call a ‘safe” man, but he is an effective one. A risk taker. And he is in love with you…Still, he senses your hesitation which makes him hesitant as well. I’m afraid there is no happily ever after in this. I see that the choice will be yours as to how long you wish to wait and how long it will last. It may last a long while, but you may find that you are indeed very much alone when the curtain falls on your most interesting life. To try to understand this great love would be folly, for I don’t believe it is meant to be understood. My advice is simply to liberate yourself…There is never joy without tasting sorrow, and I see that the process of your coming together will be long and tedious and filled with grief. Allow your marriage to die its natural death over the next few years, and when you finally come together with your lover, rush nothing but the giving of yourself to pleasure, and in time you will have no regrets.
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