Human Nature vs. Romantic Ideals
Cathy from Staten Island, New York asks:
My husband had an affair with a younger woman who is old enough to be our daughter. I had found out and asked him about it and he had denied. I finally found the woman’s phone and spoke to her. She told me everything. He is angry, unsympathetic, rude and arrogant about it and blames our fight at the time he met the woman. I am hurt, humiliated and sick to my stomach. I still love him but I hate him too. I am not sure if he’s still carrying on with her or not but he told me it is over between them. I am thinking of leaving him or working it out, but once a cheat will always be a cheat. Help!
Cathy, the disillusionment that makes up your existence is riddled with archaic, ego-centered notions and embedded with paradigms of control, intolerance and sheer misunderstanding. Sadly, the basic essence of your relationship with your husband is one of possession and ownership. You fail to understand human sexual nature, because you do not understand yourself. You have no compassion and can make no attempts at insight, because you refuse to see any spirituality beyond the rigid patriarchal ideals of modern western thought. Since this cult of so-called ‘morality’ despises the transient and insists on the existence of some great universal law, you find yourself burdened by anger and laden with sorrows.
Human sexual nature constantly proves itself in conflict with our romantic ideals. I have said before and I say here once again, this man was only doing what his body was designed to do. Men want to couple with very young women for several quite verifiable biological reasons just as young women seek older mates for verifiable biological reasons of their own. Throughout the animal kingdom an older male/younger female mating is a preferred behavior meant to favor genetic strength. Unfortunately, in our modern western version of life-long pair-bonding we choose to challenge Nature Herself… and so often we lose.
Now I know my response will anger you and many others, but I have made my position more than clear on this particular subject before. If we set our ego-driven ideals aside for just a moment and objectively consider the high cost of divorce and broken families and the sky-rocketing rate of failed relationships, I can’t help but think that perhaps it’s time for a less popular but more compassionate approach. Your husband isn’t the Devil, Cathy. He isn’t a cheat. He’s a man; a simple human being who cannot be held responsible for your happiness or lack thereof. Your expectations of him have always been unfair and as far as I can see, the only thing that will save this marriage is a major change in attitude… for both of you. You speak of hating your husband but do you know that he is also coming to hate you? You trespassed on a private, personal place because you believed some religious ideal and oath made once upon a time gave you the right and in doing that, you ruined a friendship. For his part, in his refusal to be honest or talk about his sexual needs, your husband failed to give you any chance of understanding of his position or the option to leave the marriage before he made his choice. Both of you need counseling and lots of it. If he won’t go, then go on your own. You need to take a good look at yourself because I really feel that deep down you are far more clever than the social/theological dogma of your insecure expressions.
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