Cathryn asks:
Dear Liam,
I would be very grateful for your insight and advice. At the beginning of the year an older, married co-worker realized that I was no longer married and, having apparently been very aware of me for a few years, invited me for a coffee. We quickly catapulted into a passionate relationship which deepened both inside and outside the bedroom. He recognized a sexual side to me that had lain dormant and seemed to know instinctively what new things I would enjoy. He said that with me he had no inhibitions. He made many suggestions of things he wanted to share with me intellectually, socially, and sexually.
His wife overheard a conversation he had with a friend about his feelings towards his marriage. He requested that our relationship became platonic, so that if his marriage deteriorated further he could honestly say it was not because of anyone else. I also know he has a fear of emotional chaos, and he was scared as he felt he was falling in love with me.
We still see each other regularly. He confides many of his concerns to me, and the physical attraction is still strong. He says his decision was, and remains, a very difficult one. I feel as if a whole side of me has just been woken up, shown these wonderful possibilities, and has now been put on ice. Every time I think I should try to move on, he does or says something that reels me straight back in. Are we ever going to get to a place where we can explore and develop our relationship again, or should I give up on this man? I am reluctant to do this as I have never felt such a powerful connection with anyone, and have never before met someone with whom I feel confident in just being myself. I’m confused!
Liam’s Response:
Greetings, Cathryn. The pure beauty and erotic tone of your situation resonates like a virtual symphony of haunting vibration. You have been very blessed, being offered the opportunity to enter the perilous forest. Being a true traveler of the wilds, you allowed yourself the delight and tragedy of love and all its stinging bites. The archetype you have become through this experience is all too clear. You’re the muse who rocked a poet’s world. You say this man feared falling in love with you. It’s too late. He fell in love with you the moment he saw you, and those feelings haven’t changed. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work the way novelists and script writers like to make us think. Nor does love follow a mandate based on the know-it-all advice of your girlfriends. Real life is complicated. A bloody and emotional business, where the fatal mistake of falling in love serves as courtroom fodder for a jealous spouse out for vengeance.
Your lover fears change and pain. This is no great failing on his part. None of us likes having to face ugliness and strife. He knows divorcing his wife will cause hardships beyond belief. He also knows that the two of you aren’t really ready to come together in a conventional form. Many couples in your situation are never ready for the trials and tribulations of an everyday partnership, and disaster results from people in wild love rushing to play a conventional game. In this case, I advise you to respect your lover’s wishes and continue being his friend.
This man knows his wife. He knows she is capable of all sorts of things. What he’s really doing by backing away from you right now is protecting the woman he loves from a tyrant he’s known for years. In his mind, he must deal with slaying the dragon before he can go on to win the lady fair. If he had no regard for you – if he only meant to string you along – he would not have sacrificed the pleasure of your bed to protect you. Stay calm and remain his confidant. Let this drama play out, and when the coast is clear, he will come back. When he does welcome him with open arms for this man is indeed a gentleman.
Liam
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3 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Fear of Change Means She’s Out in the Cold”
I agree sometimes patience is the deciding factor in forming relationships. It is so easy to get addicted to the pleasurable sides of life and to forget that within the chaos of love no matter how sincere, is structure. Structure that determines its surival. and I just must say that novelist and screenwriters don’t give people their fantsies, they bring them to the surface and exploit them for the sake of a logical plot. People’s fantasies are from a much deeper place. But its better to live life than believe that a fantasy is living. Don’t shoot the messenger, rather reject the message.:) and if enough people do that the messengers will have to find new messages. happy holidays.
i need help i have a friend but he is leaveing with someone and has two daughter but i was his lover for 4 years till i moved from there but still he would go looking for me i have him on my mind all the time and say his name to my friend no i call her by his name and she get mad i tell her it just come out of my mouth i can do none about it i ever call my kids and grandkids by his name sometime dont know what to do help me please i have a boyfriend but does not call me at all because he say all i do is take care of my grandkids so now i am by my self wait for mr right thank you for reading my letter and god bless you my friend.
Sorry, Cathryn, as a man who has been single for a long time and seen quite a lot I’ve got a slightly different take on your situation.
Here’s the short version: Mr. Married Older Guy (we’ll call him “MOG”) is a pro and, no offense dear, you’re a novice. Run now and don’t look back. Now, please allow me to interpret his behavior and “player speak” for you. Thanks.
“At the beginning of the year an older, married co-worker realized that I was no longer married and, having apparently been very aware of me for a few years, invited me for a coffee.” …. Translation: MOG saw you coming a mile away. He’s a seasoned player. The absence of your wedding ring, or your demeanor, or office chat, or all of those things clearly told him you were vulnerable and ripe for picking, dear. Inviting you for coffee was a scouting mission for him. He was probing for possibilities.
“He recognized a sexual side to me that had lain dormant” …. Translation: He knew that most divorced women have built-up sexual tension and a certain level of commensurate frustration, which makes them sitting duck targets. Many have that even during marriage, due to their husbands being sexually functionary but not romantic. Body language is a dead giveaway about such things and he knew how to read all the signs.
” …. and seemed to know instinctively what new things I would enjoy.” …. Translation: MOG recognized that your sex life with your ex-husband was limited in scope and therefore anything new and different would be enjoyed by you as long as he did them with tenderness and as if he cared about you.
“He said that with me he had no inhibitions.” …. Translation: that’s a fail-safe statement intended to open closed doors. Ask him to three-way with you and another man, or put on a show with another man for you, and watch how fast he gets “inhibitions”.
“His wife overheard a conversation he had with a friend about his feelings towards his marriage.” …. Translation: There was no such conversation. It’s simply that his wife knows him well and is smelling a rat (or another rat).
” He requested that our relationship became platonic, so that if his marriage deteriorated further he could honestly say it was not because of anyone else.” …. Translation: “We’d better cool it for a while because my wife smells a rat. Besides, I’ve already gotten the goods from you.” He’s trying to ease you out of the picture, dear.
“I also know he has a fear of emotional chaos, and he was scared as he felt he was falling in love with me.” …. Translation: “I wanted the casual sex but not a commitment, so will you fall for my ‘fear of love’ scam?”
“He confides many of his concerns to me, and the physical attraction is still strong. He says his decision was, and remains, a very difficult one.” …. Translation: It was so “difficult” that it took all of three, maybe four, minutes to come up with but he still wants you available for an occasional romp once he’s sure his wife is off the scent. Anything MOG tells you is just a training exercise, nothing more.
“Are we ever going to get to a place where we can explore and develop our relationship again, or should I give up on this man?” …. Cathryn, give up now! He is using you and playing you. You will never have him. If you push him to commit to you then his wife will suddenly develop a “terrible illness” and he will “have to stay with her out of loyalty or guilt”. Or stay “because of the kids”, or because “it would cost him too much to get divorced”, etc. You seem like an open, sincere, caring person and there are plenty of NOT married men who would appreciate that. Leave that sex scammer before things get messy and you lose your job over it. Find a single man who will appreciate you for yourself an not jerk you around like MOG. Good luck, dear.