I would be very grateful for your insight and advice. At the beginning of the year an older, married co-worker realized that I was no longer married and, having apparently been very aware of me for a few years, invited me for a coffee. We quickly catapulted into a passionate relationship which deepened both inside and outside the bedroom. He recognized a sexual side to me that had lain dormant and seemed to know instinctively what new things I would enjoy. He said that with me he had no inhibitions. He made many suggestions of things he wanted to share with me intellectually, socially, and sexually.
His wife overheard a conversation he had with a friend about his feelings towards his marriage. He requested that our relationship became platonic, so that if his marriage deteriorated further he could honestly say it was not because of anyone else. I also know he has a fear of emotional chaos, and he was scared as he felt he was falling in love with me.
We still see each other regularly. He confides many of his concerns to me, and the physical attraction is still strong. He says his decision was, and remains, a very difficult one. I feel as if a whole side of me has just been woken up, shown these wonderful possibilities, and has now been put on ice. Every time I think I should try to move on, he does or says something that reels me straight back in. Are we ever going to get to a place where we can explore and develop our relationship again, or should I give up on this man? I am reluctant to do this as I have never felt such a powerful connection with anyone, and have never before met someone with whom I feel confident in just being myself. I’m confused!
Greetings, Cathryn. The pure beauty and erotic tone of your situation resonates like a virtual symphony of haunting vibration. You have been very blessed, being offered the opportunity to enter the perilous forest. Being a true traveler of the wilds, you allowed yourself the delight and tragedy of love and all its stinging bites. The archetype you have become through this experience is all too clear. You’re the muse who rocked a poet’s world. You say this man feared falling in love with you. It’s too late. He fell in love with you the moment he saw you, and those feelings haven’t changed. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work the way novelists and script writers like to make us think. Nor does love follow a mandate based on the know-it-all advice of your girlfriends. Real life is complicated. A bloody and emotional business, where the fatal mistake of falling in love serves as courtroom fodder for a jealous spouse out for vengeance.
Your lover fears change and pain. This is no great failing on his part. None of us likes having to face ugliness and strife. He knows divorcing his wife will cause hardships beyond belief. He also knows that the two of you aren’t really ready to come together in a conventional form. Many couples in your situation are never ready for the trials and tribulations of an everyday partnership, and disaster results from people in wild love rushing to play a conventional game. In this case, I advise you to respect your lover’s wishes and continue being his friend.
This man knows his wife. He knows she is capable of all sorts of things. What he’s really doing by backing away from you right now is protecting the woman he loves from a tyrant he’s known for years. In his mind, he must deal with slaying the dragon before he can go on to win the lady fair. If he had no regard for you – if he only meant to string you along – he would not have sacrificed the pleasure of your bed to protect you. Stay calm and remain his confidant. Let this drama play out, and when the coast is clear, he will come back. When he does welcome him with open arms for this man is indeed a gentleman.
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