Donna from Newmarket, Ireland asks:
I’ve been with my husband for twenty-seven years (married for twenty-three, and have three children), and he still loves me and I love him, too. So why do I still feel jealous and want to be around him all the time? He was let go from the construction industry in March 2010. He didn’t sit around waiting for something to turn up. Instead, he took a variety of courses in order to change careers. I was really happy for him.
Before he was made redundant, he worked long hours five days a week and went hunting every Sunday. The only time we spent together was on Saturday and an hour or two in the evening. When he was made redundant, we started spending more time together. Even though I was working, we built a closer relationship.
On July 1, I had major surgery, and was home for three months. We did everything together. Then he got a job in a nursing home caring for the elderly. I was so proud of him, but I started getting depressed because he was working weekends and long hours. I was working on the days he was off. I started getting jealous, too, that he was with all these women. He can be a charmer (in a nice way), but I know deep down he would never cheat on me.
He’s upset that I’m on medication for depression, and wants to leave his job because he thinks that is what made me depressed. He’s not sleeping at night, because he’s worrying about me. He told me he hates going into work and coming home. I don’t want him to get sick because of me. I don’t see any of my friends outside of work. I come home and wait for him to come in from work and tell me about his day–yet, I have nothing to tell him. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way when there is no reason. All he wants is a job to keep us ticking and to keep him sane.
At the start, I was scared of losing him. Now I feel that if I don’t do something about the way I feel, I will definitely lose him.
Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:
You and your husband have experienced some very stressful changes over the last year, and that stress is manifesting in you as fear. Even though you try and sort through things with your logical mind, you’re still thinking and fearing emotionally.
Your husband struggles because he doesn’t know how to help you, and he wants to help you. He feels partly responsible for your anxiety and depression, and often thinks that he’s failed you. You have no true reason to worry or fear that he will find affection with another woman. Your husband presents as completely loyal to you. However, he does miss the “old you,” and wants his wife back. Fortunately, this man of yours does not give up easily, and he believes that your emotional unrest is yet another challenge that the two of you face, and will eventually conquer.
I strongly recommend that you enlist the aid of a counselor or therapist. All the changes and challenges you’ve been going through are emotionally taking their toll. Not only have you become extremely codependent on your husband, your self esteem has also been plummeting. You may also want to have a professional evaluate your medications, in order to make sure that your regimen is actually the best suited to your body, hormone levels and current issues.
Along with some independent therapy, talk with your husband. Let him know that you recognize your erratic behaviors, and that you will do what you need to in order to work through things. He will be incredibly supportive, not to mention relieved. He needs to know that you trust him.
Because the two of you don’t have a whole lot of time together due to work schedules, make the best and the most of the time you do get to share. Also, make the most of the time you have to yourself. Falling back into old routines and associating with your friends can help you come back to a place of balance, because you aren’t always waiting. Before things started to unravel, you were fairly independent and rarely bored. Now, it seems as if you have too much time alone, and too much time to think.
You, and your marriage, will come through this. It’s just going to take a little bit of therapy, and some time.
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