How to Manage Difficult Romantic Decisions
Lisa from Harrison asks:
Two years ago my fiancé cheated on me and we broke up. I started dating someone else and fell head over heels, but because of a lot of confusion and miscommunication I thought he didn’t feel the same way. Meanwhile, my fiancé and I got back together. He has tried to make it work and has been good to me as much as he can, and I know he loves me, but the guy I dated while we were apart is still communicating with me and has told me he is in love with me. I’m so confused, I can’t stand it. I feel like I’m in love with both of them. I’m used to the one I’m with and we have an easy, comfortable relationship, but I feel so connected to the other that I can’t focus on my existing relationship. I don’t know which of the two I should be with. I know it’s selfish, but I love both of them and I can’t get over the other man. What should I do?
Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:
First and foremost, I want to let you know that it is possible to be in love with more than one person at a time. There are many who will argue this, but, we people like to have a pretty clean instruction manual on the do’s and don’ts of life. Unfortunately, the human experience often veers off of that nice, clean, A-B-C path.
So, having said that, let’s be honest, shall we? The relationship you have with your fiancé isn’t quite the pretty picture you paint. I’m not giving you a hard time, here. I get it. Really, I do. But, I’d also be failing you if I didn’t call you out on your B.S. It’s really just a “white lie,” as you do have a fairly good and comfortable relationship with the man. Quite workable, actually.
Then there is your past lover… oh, the fires still burn. The two of you definitely have some rockin’ chemistry—but he’s not at a place where he can or is willing to commit. Not fully, anyway.
If it were possible to combine these two men into one—you’d have the perfect mate. But, that’s not going to happen, and you need to work toward accepting that fate.
You are strong, but you don’t want to be alone. Not unreasonable. But, here’s the thing—your fiancé is safe, but your ex-lover is the one you want. You stay with your fiancé because you can’t have your lover on your terms. That really boils down to a timing thing, not an impossibility. But, I understand wanting to have your bases covered.
You feel as if you are split in two because you are. There’s the one you want, and the one you have. It’s not as if there is a bad choice here—there isn’t. They are both good guys. But, your choices lead to different lives. One is stable and safe; the other, exciting and passionate—with high highs and low lows. And that is something you seem to thrive on, so it is well worth some serious consideration.
There’s no quick resolution for you. Nor is there a wrong path. No matter what you do, someone is going to hurt. That is something you are going to have to deal with, and there isn’t a way around it. This is just something you are going to have to come to terms with, and work through.
You already know what you want and the answers to your own questions. You know who you really want to be with—but the situation isn’t clean. And, he isn’t in a place in his life where he can or is willing to be completely conventional and traditional. But, that time is coming.
You face a bit of upheaval because you do love both men. But, ultimately, you are going to choose to take the riskier path, and will find your way to the one your heart yearns for; the man who completes you. And, it isn’t your fiancé.
Take your time, Lisa. Get right with yourself, and everything else will fall into place. Things don’t always come together safely, or the way we’d like them to, but that doesn’t mean they don’t come together. Do your best to get your self into alignment and honor the relationship you have in place. But, be honest enough with yourself and your fiancé that the pain of your future ending is neither a surprise nor debilitating. Life goes on, just not always as planned. Be good to your man, but come to understand that when you leave him behind it is because of what you want and need, not because of any reason or wrong he’s given you. Knowing that you are going to leave gives you the opportunity to leave with your head high, your heart a little broken, but clean. That’s more than many get.
As for your boyfriend—because that’s really who he is—let him know you aren’t making any impulsive decisions, no matter how much your heart pulls you to him. He’s a good guy—but a good guy that has some growing, and growing up to do. Even though you know how things are going to turn out—don’t give him the answers. Help him find his way. It makes things better for both of you. This isn’t about getting re-acquainted, or resuming an affair. This is about true partnership and commitment—things he is very capable of, but still needs a bit of time to grow and prepare.
Living with a divided heart isn’t easy. Sometimes it’s a path a person must follow and experience. The process may be rough, but the rewards can’t be beat. There’s a whole lot of power in knowing you’ve done the best you could, and made the right choices for your highest good and well-being. Your situation goes much deeper than a choice between men. What this is all really about is you becoming the woman you want to be.
I hope this helps you.
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6 thoughts on “Red Responds: Who Should You Choose?”
My husband is extremely ill, stoke, heart attack, cannot talk, on dialysis and I am in tough with a former colleague and his wife recently passed due to cancer. We have struggled in
these situations together and he is kind to my son and husband who know each other. He
says he loves me, has shown in several ways, I am just not sure that if my husband passed he would be there for me as a permanent commitment. He has 3 children grown as I do,they have trust funds and he has tons of money and I am not sure that he would want me to be involved due to these issues totally! Time will tell as you say, but my husband has had a girlfriend in the past and I still am married legally and take the best care of him. He has aphasia and is not in good health. I am not getting any younger and my husband did not pay taxes even before his heart attack for 6 years and now I am paying them. He was in the military and drinking heavy. Not pleasant. It was getting worse when the attack happened. I just live day by day and my monies are running out. Myhusband’s sisters went to our attorney to break our trust with monies and properties. I am not cash poor. My friend has been paying dearly for everything. I have won both cases by law, but no money. I need to sue my attorney for not calling me when all this
happened to my husband. He stayed by my husband’s sisters which cost me over $400,000 and I am still paying for his care in many ways and seeing him. The sisters live
out of town and have become very nasty to me. I don’t sleep have pains, but teach online
classes for a major Univ. to keep my mind off this mess. My friend as my husband is also
an attorney. Help!
I was with a guy 15 yrs younger than me we broke up about 2 months ago we were fine together until our kids mainly his daughter got into our relationship. then it made me wonder did he ever love me at all usually we get back together but I moved out of town. will we get back together.
Oddly enough, I am in this same situation with a man I love and a man I am in love with. You contemplate on going with the safe choice (aka the one that you love that loves you) but you want more than anything to be with the one your heart yearns for the challenge (aka the one your in love with). Ultimately I do agree with what is being stated; you becoming the woman you want to be is what matters most. I’ll follow this advice and of course put my little twist lol.
Best of Wishes
Thank-you Red. – felt that you were speaking to me and my heart feels easier.
Is difficult at the best of times- I lost the love of my life because we came from different cultures- and although to the end of his life he loved me and I him, I couldn’t be a mistress-or second wife- when he had a wife and children at home, even if it was an arranged marriage- I married a good man- at first we had lust in common, and he made me laugh I thought I was in love- but two and a bit years ago I heard he’d died-and I have been crying and grieving as if it was my husband that died-not someone I hadn’t seen(because we’d been avoiding each other)for nearly 24 years- every time we saw each other we couldn’t stay away from each other -not sexually but hugging holding hands, all the romantic stuff – now he’s gone I feel as if a part of me is missing- yet my hubby is doing the best he can for me and to make me happy-fortunately he hasn’t twigged yet- and I hope he never does as I’d never deliberately hurt him, but I hope I will learn to love him -after all we got along Ok for the last 22 years – I think I have to work at it
I will like to know this month and if possible the whole year horo to work out my self well…Thanks