When you know in your heart it’s time to go, how do you get the strength to break up with him and leave the relationship? The fear of breaking up is worse than the actual breakup.
Moving On is Never as Hard as it Looks
Leigh C from Raleigh, NC writes:
I am in a lovers’ triangle, and don’t know how or what to do to get out of it. I love my boyfriend very much, but I’m not “in love” with him anymore. We have been together for over twenty-four years and I believe that we’ve come to the end of our rainbow and have grown apart. I’ve been going through a midlife crisis (or a nervous breakdown) for about five years it seems. Enter friend with benefits number one. It wasn’t supposed to happen… but it did… it’s over now… and I’m over it. But now there’s someone who means the world to me… he treats me like a real lady, and he is head over heels in love with me. That definitely wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did… and now I care for this guy so much, I think I am in love with him. I’ve beat my head against the wall trying to figure out how to go about moving out of my boyfriend’s house. I really want to live alone now, but the one that’s in love with me wants me to live with him and possibly marry him. Marriage is not in my vocabulary. He knows that I don’t want to get married to anyone! I think my independence is getting the best of me. There are a thousand reasons why I should go… and only one to stay. Help me sort it out and work it out. Thank you for reading my rant.
Psychic Red ext. 9226 Responds:
It looks as if one of the largest challenges you face is that you already know what to do.
Your boyfriend isn’t going to make this easy for you. He isn’t going to kick you out, nor is he going to give you a tangible, understandable reason as to why you had to leave. He’s just going to go on riding the wave, just as he has been. So people are going to talk. Some will shake their heads, and many will form judgments because they don’t understand what you’re going through. Wrap your head around that messiness, get used to the idea, and find a new place to call home. There’s really no way for you to come out of this all sparkly clean and neat. When you let go of that fantasy, you also let go of some of the crazy you’ve been feeling. It’s tough, but you’re tougher.
Your lover would marry you in a heartbeat. But you don’t have to marry him to prove your love or loyalty. He knows you don’t want to be married, but he also believes that there is some hope of changing your mind. Deal with that when you have to. As for now, just take things a step at time.
While you are head over heels in love with your lover, you’re not going to be happy if you move out of one man’s house into another. That just doesn’t work for you. While you could rush out and buy a place of your own, it actually looks like it makes more sense for you to rent something, because eventually you’ll live with your lover. Until then, though, having your own space would do you a world of good. And, it’s not like you and your lover aren’t going to spend nights at each residence, because you will. Your toughest job on this front is getting him to understand that you need some time to stand on your own because that’s what you need, not because you don’t love him or have faith in your relationship. While it will take some effort and bring forth some very frustrating conversations, as long as you continue to validate him and your desire to be with him, he’ll get to a place where he’s supportive, if not completely understanding. Letting him believe that you left your boyfriend for him will help you somewhat, and it isn’t entirely untrue. Sometimes, it’s best to allow people to come to their own conclusions, and forego complete accuracy for the sake of peace.
Your current boyfriend is going to hurt when you leave, but saving him pain is not enough reason to stay. Neither is some of the furniture and material items you like to look at as complications. This is just as much a divorce as it is a break-up, so it’s not like you get to walk away with everything. You will have to leave some things behind, but you know that you’re more than capable of starting over. Stuff is just stuff, and at the end of the day, all it does is occupy space. When you look at it that way, moving out becomes simple. You take what is truly yours, and what you truly need. That’s it. Think of everything you leave behind as payment for freedom and peace of mind. You can buy more furniture, art, and appliances – but I’ve yet to come across an “Emotional Balance and Peace of Mind” store.
You’ve been living a double life, and bearing the burdens of spoken and unspoken lies. You can continue living this way, or you can choose to honor yourself and your needs – but you can’t have both. Funny thing is, when you start doing what is right for you, everything else falls into place.
Simplify things for yourself. Instead of thinking about how you wish things were, put those thoughts into action. The reality of the changes you face aren’t as scary as the theory of them. The big life lesson here has a theme: Letting Go. You can let go of the past, which you already understand has run its course, or you can accept that this is as good as it gets, and let go of the future – and all the love and joy of simply being alive that comes with it.
When you take the guys involved out of the equation, you see yourself as peaceful and independent, with all the promise of happiness that this world has to offer. Fortunately, you can have this, minus the search. Get your own place, live your life, and build your relationship with your lover. The bit of chaos this transition causes is a very small price to pay for happiness and contentment. You might not realize it now, but you’re very lucky. So make your choices and act, because luck has a nasty habit of turning when you think you need it the most.
I hope this helps you.
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