Michelle in Huntsville writes:
I’ve been struggling with the decision on whether I should divorce my husband of 14 years or continue to deal with him and his addiction to drugs. His lying and deceit makes me worry sometimes that when I come home from work I won’t have anything left in our home. He’s cheated on me and has had two outside children while we’ve been married. I still love him but I really don’t think that I’m in love with him any more because of the mess he has put me through. I guess what I’m asking you is what do you see for me in the near future for our relationship and for a new career? I’ve been thinking about leaving him and moving to another city or state to start over again.
So much of how your future unfolds rests strictly on your shoulders. Because of this, your future is changeable. Just because I see something one way, doesn’t mean that is how it has to be – it just means you need to figure out if that is how you want things to be.
What I see is you continuing to try to endure your marriage, and coexist with this man to the best of your ability. While you spend a great deal of time thinking about creating a new life, and fantasizing about freedom and happiness, I’m not seeing you doing anything about it. You are not stuck, you are just afraid to take the steps to change your circumstances. The changes you yearn for are big and scary. Without a clear plan and strong will, it keeps your life just as it is. It doesn’t have to be this way, but things aren’t going to start changing, until you take steps to bring about changes.
Your husband is who he is. Don’t expect any miracles, there. But I do want you to set aside some time and make a list of exactly what it is you think you love about this person. You will come up with some things and characteristics about the man that are positive. Then make a list about the things you don’t find so endearing about the man. Those two lists show a lot. It is very much “what you see is what you get.” Only you can decide if what you get is enough… for now.
You need a little support to clear your head and view your options. Counseling or a support group would do you wonders. If you have some unbiased support, you will be able to see your options more clearly, and have the strength to come to your own conclusions with enough conviction to set things in motion to change your circumstances.
As far as your career goes, I see you behind a desk and at the computer in a pretty fast-paced environment. This is either in an advertising or publication type arena. There is some creative freedom attached to the position that does you a world of good. Whether you stay where you are at, or move into a new area does not seem to matter too much. You will find work in this type of office setting, and be able to support yourself.
The bottom line is – you need to figure out when you want your marriage to end, because eventually, it will. Now is the time for you to concentrate on getting your head on straight, and planning for your future.