Rushing Down the Aisle?
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Dear Psychic Reed,
I met my current boyfriend on Match.com back in April 2015. I was into taking things slow and I honestly didn’t like him that much when I first met him. He travels a lot for work because he works as an insurance disaster adjustor. There are times when we don’t see each other for months and we once went nine months without seeing or talking to each other.
About a year ago, I decided that I was ready to try working harder on the relationship. We started spending more time together and I asked him if he ever thought about walking down the aisle. I want to walk down the aisle with someone. Do I want to marry him? I would certainly say yes if he asked me. Well, he said he never wants to walk down the aisle, and I left it at that.
More time went by and I brought up the idea of marriage again. This time, he gave me conflicting answers. I really don’t want to waste my time with him if he and I don’t want the same things. It’s not fair to either of us, but if there’s a chance there will be a wedding, I can try and wait since I told him I was interested in taking things slowly when we first met.
I welcome your insight.
Psychic Reed ext. 5105 responds:
There is a big difference between taking things slow and having a hard time feeling securely attached. They can look the same from the outside, but your heart feels the difference, and the quality of your relationship will be the result of that difference. You two are struggling to build a secure connection/attachment, however, this doesn’t spell disaster or mean that it can’t work. You can build this connection in a slow and gentle manner, and that’s really the only way you can build it.
I know how much you want to walk down the aisle and there are steps you can take to make this a reality for you. But in order for him to propose, there needs to be more of a secure connection between you. When I meditate on your situation, it feels to me as if you think getting married will give you the connection you desire. Angela, the opposite is true: You have to have the connection first. Then go get that paperwork done.
If you want to get your needs met in the future, you have to build a secure attachment now. Your instinct to take things slow was correct. If you dump him, you’ll simply struggle to build a secure connection with someone else, so you might as well work with what you’ve got. For the steps you’ll need to take to build that connection, I’m going to recommend Wired for Love, by Stan Tatkin, PsyD.
Is it a bad sign that you didn’t like him that much when you first met? No. Is it a bad sign that he often works out of town? No. It’s not even a bad sign that you want to walk down the aisle more than you want to walk down the aisle with him. Also, it’s not a bad sign that you two are struggling to build a secure connection. These are normal human things to experience and they can enrich your life beyond measure. Don’t focus on all that. Instead, just work toward genuine, secure attachment. You’ll eventually go from taking things slow to making your way down the aisle.
It can be a happy event, getting married, but it’s only truly fulfilling when you marry that one person who eclipses all other humans on the planet. Secure attachment is the difference. You’ll have a beautiful wedding, but even better, you’ll have a beautiful marriage that will last a lifetime.
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