What Bad Habits?
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Neil and I have been together a year. He proposed to me and we were planning to get married this summer. However, Neil got arrested in July 2017. He gave a guilty plea and was sent to community-based corrections in January 2018. He says he will never leave me. In fact, he would rather die first. He even proposed to me two more times. Then out of the blue, the facility he’s in put me on Neil’s no-contact list. They said he couldn’t be in a relationship while undergoing substance abuse treatment.
Last week, he called me with his therapist and officially ended our relationship. Apparently, I have bad habits that would make him relapse. It’s shocking to me. I don’t even know what he’s talking about. Whatever bad habits I had I changed them before he went to jail. Is he just saying what his therapist wants him to say? Or, is that how Neil really feels about me?
I’m wondering if I should wait for him. I love Neil so much and I don’t want to lose him. My son even calls him Dad. What do you think I should do?
Psychic Kallista ext. 9623 responds:
This is understandably difficult for you. It’s often true that many substance abuse programs strongly recommend that patients abstain from relationships for a time in order to help them overcome their bad habits and focus on their healing. This appears to be the case here, and Neil is cooperating with that, but things are not as hopeless as they seem.
Neil is striving to get better in order to heal and rebuild himself and his life. This is a positive thing that will help both of you going forward if you elect to stay. He realized he handled things with you too harshly, and he felt some guilt about it, but he genuinely felt he had to go along with the program in order to get the help he needs. His healing will take awhile, but he still loves you, Marie. He did not really want to make that call, but it was necessary for the time being.
But there is another layer to this; one much less positive. Neil showed you he was refusing to take full responsibility for his bad habits and negative behaviors, which of course caused you great stress. He made you feel that his problems were somehow your fault and that was wrong of him. He was practicing his bad habits long before he met you. One of his bad habits was not having your back. Neil made you feel like he threw you under the bus. This is a big red flag. These things are something to keep in mind while you decide what to do.
This time apart from him gives you a chance to do more inner healing. It’s an ideal time to obtain your own therapeutic support in order to give yourself an opportunity to recover from the pain you’ve endured for so long. This will help both you and your son.
It will be awhile, but when Neil returns, and he will, he will want to make a fresh start with you. This will include marriage if you still desire it. For now Marie, please just take excellent care of you.
Wishing you every good thing,
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