Are You the Drama Mama or the Role Model?

Birds of a Feather, Flock Together

We are all a product of our childhood, parents and environment. Whatever we learn from those around us tends to be what we pass on to others. We all do what we think is best, even though our understanding of what is best and our tools to execute or manifest the best might be severely distorted or completely lacking. Great examples are overbearing parents who think they are protecting their child by hovering over them and not granting them any freedom to grow or make their own decisions; another example would be severely abused people who go out and rescue other broken people, even though the objects of their help are completely uninterested in receiving it.

The problem is not only that broken people attract other broken people, but that they continue the cycle of dysfunction. If neither one in a relationship has the tools to properly function the proverbial s*** ends up hitting the fan sooner or later. Entwined in a perfect dance of pushing each other’s buttons and triggering each other’s responses, they perpetuate their brokenness; until one finally runs or seriously gets hurt, either emotionally or physically. The cycle is complete when they have children and pass their broken coping mechanisms on to their offspring.

Very few are generally willing or able to break the cycle. After all, it’s all they know, no matter how crazy their life might be. Human beings are odd creatures, as they generally don’t seem to learn from their mistakes. Very few people are open to fixing themselves; and usually they have to hit some rock bottom or there have to be such dire consequences to their behaviors that they are forced to learn. But then, if you take a look at addiction, even the direst consequences don’t get through to everybody. “Broken” is a way of being and after a while it is is the only way one knows how to be. And lots of people tend to compare themselves to their parents and operate under the misconception that they are OK, as long as they are not as crazy as their parents were/are. To most, less dysfunctional equals not dysfunctional at all. If they can cope in an every day job, the illusions of normalcy becomes even bigger.

I, too, used to dance the cycle of dysfunction and insanity; sometimes more and sometimes less. But to some degree, I was always aware of it and hence, never had children. The fear of not being able to be a proper role model and to potentially make another pay for my potentially poor choices was overwhelming; and in the end it won when I decided to not put a child into this world.

Taking a long hard look at my immediate family drives my point home. The relationships they have, the way they deal with conflict, hardships and problems is terrifying to me. The fact that they keep attracting the same because none of them ever learn or change is also scary. They walk under the grand story of “our family never has any luck;” then they turn around and engage in another dysfunctional relationship. And like anything behavioral oriented, they keep going round and round, until the day they die; filled with regret and bitterness.

Our society teaches us that we are victims. There are too few enlightened or even reasonably intelligent people out there who speak their mind, publically. Hence, the cycles of craziness, dysfunction, blame, fear and hate mongering continues. Most are buying into it and very few question the validity of it all.

We are all masters of our own destiny. We are the creators of our own universe; regardless of what shit hole we may have emerged from. No matter if we were abused, forgotten, ignored, smothered or driven insane by others, we can still make a choice and walk away. Our past never has to equal our future! We can choose to be sheep and continue the cycle, or we can choose to take responsibility, be courageous and break it. It always is our choice, no matter what anyone may try to tell us. And it’s important to break the cycle, for as long as we are broken, all we will attract and create is more of the same.

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9 thoughts on “Are You the Drama Mama or the Role Model?

  1. Gerges

    Nigel – Wow!!!This is probably your best work yet.The patlete of color is amazing!Carmen and his fiance look fantastic surrounded by all the greenery, and you’ve managed to capture it so very well.Congratulations Carm!

    Reply
  2. Jacqueline

    Hi Carmen,
    I love reading your articles, I agree with you it does take some effort and deep soul searching to go within oneself and desire change, but its not only you changing yourself its you changing generations.

    We are now entering into a time when people are seeking out a more fulfilled happier life, with those desires along with the energetic change of the planet, is helping people shift and change to truly live the life that will be of great bliss.

    You are the best Carmen!

    Blessings and Big Hugs!
    Jacqueline x9472

    Reply
  3. Phyllis Craig

    dear miss krystal, you said it so well! walking away can be so hard to do but after having done so, i saved myself. i used to think my family was the only family that was disfunctional, but as i got older, i realized all have problems. it’s the way you deal with the issues that come along. i’ve also cut loose friends & men that thrived on drama. i’m too old for the high school drama & refuse to play games. if we can’t act like adults, then i don’t NEED you in my life. i do miss some of the people i’ve had to cut loose, but don’t NEED, that being the key word. thanks for the great article. phyllis.

    Reply
  4. Pingback: Drama Mama or Role Model | Carmen's Psychic Donut

  5. Carmen Knopfette Honacker

    Hello Girls!

    Well, I must say, I feel flattered and honored to have “fans” such as you two wise ones. And yes, I have started to write a book, entitled “Hardwired.”

    I have gotten flak at times, as some perceive my words as negative or judgmental. However, it is deeply inspiring to see that most people DO actually get where I am coming from and why I am saying what I am saying.

    I once read a book about the ancient Druids. It was believed that they sent their students on their quests only at their worst times and when the moon, sun and stars did not align; for they believed that only in our greatest trials in life are we able to grow spiritually. They believed that being contempt or complacent is the largest enemy to growth and advancement of a human being; so this book claimed.

    Having been through hell and emerging bright and happy on the other side made me want to share with many that the glass is half full and that the quality of one’s life depends on the quality of one’s choices and willingness to break a cycle and do the work; but unlike most self-help books or writers I also wanted to share that it does require hard work and quite some time to do, and that all the quick fixes are pretty useless.

    Lasting change, happiness and power emerges from continuously going forward, no matter what obstacles your hardwiring or others may throw in your way; and no matter how tiring it gets to change one’s patterns. 🙂

    Reply
  6. misskrystalmisskrystal

    I would like to please add something else, if I may-There are a lot of people who will finally cut out toxic extras in their life, such as friends, the company they keep, difficult neighbors, hard work environments, and even lovers…But still cope with a difficult family-detaching but yet, not running away. I applaud them because at least they take control and make an attempt to only tolerate and compromise for their family. This is still a big step. and Bravo.

    We have lots of people in this world that have a special, spiritual, and tender heart to remain in their family, but, assert themselves and still set boundaries. It could be that they take breaks from their families, and sometimes, that can be for years. I still admire these types of people. They have unconditional love, compassion and pity, for their broken families. These are still wonderful people, only because they still come from place of unconditional love. And believe me, they usually do put their foot down and pick battles, by which, result in some possible temporary estrangement and/or pulling away for some years, and, until they can re-assert themselves back into the family, but only with their eyes wide open, and yet, would rather have the bittersweet than the heartbreaking destruction of a permanent estrangement.

    Please know that I have seen so many people exist in this world as I described above. And for many, this is better than living with guilt, and these types of people still cut off toxic extras-especially in their social life. They have come into acceptance, compromised in family disappointments, but will not tolerate any friends who are toxic and draining. Why? Because they know they already put up with too much from their broken families..THis is where they draw the line…And I so understand..You all have my empathy here.

    For myself, as a reader, helping many types of situations surrounding toxic families, I still feel these types of people are very special and brave. Plus, I give them lots of credit. And I have helped many feel more free within themself, help them make better choices in friends, and not taking part or, buying into any extra drama in their life, as they already deal with so much anyway, with their broken family. On the contrary, I have seen many much happier, running away, and never looking back.

    I have observed that it’s different for each type of person. But I admire the people who can do either or. It’s still more freedom within, and learning how to not be emotionally manipulated or controlled–learning detachment, the right time to say NO and when distance and space are needed most. For we know that toleration is something that many of us have learned. And yes, I do help all of these types of clients. I feel wonderful doing it. Please call me if you feel you need spiritual support on anything toxic in your life, because you do have choices in this. So let me please help you explore your choices, and what feels best for you… God bless you all. Miss Krystal

    Reply
  7. misskrystalmisskrystal

    Once again, Carmen, this is a fantastic article. You are a wonderful “microphone” and major inspiration for many. Actually, I feel that you may help change lives, just by these posts. Yes, we can break all or, most cycles of “broken” and, that is going to most usually happen within ourselves. Of course, the hardest part…At least I always felt so. Yet, that means stop playing on “Victim” even though, there has really been abuse and violation.

    As a reader, I have seen victims of this type of family circle, cope, but still, it’s coping and compromise, but some truly would rather do that. On the flip side, I have seen victims remove themself from this particular family environment, move far away, change their entire life, and looking for “new” family. I feel there is no way to escape the emotional scars, either way, but time has a way of making it easier, no matter which one they are doing. Acceptance would definitely be needed either way. And that takes courage, hope and faith. But it can be done! But then again, we are talking about family, not friends. A little deeper and different.

    Finally, sometimes it boils down to just how much a person can really tolerate and take. Hence, people can put up with this type of exisiting, until finally, sometimes, there is a breaking point, or, things get so shaken up, that they finally are ready to break the cycle-and compromise is just enough anymore. It is so complex, and each situation has so many different “things” involved. I feel it depends on the situation, and what type of person you are.

    Carmen, not only would I absolutely be thrilled to see you write a book about this stuff, you are so unique, and, I feel your flair for reaching a wide audience is better than any self help writer, in my experience. Even though, there are some great ones out there, your style on this type of material is very spiritual as well, and helping those who may also want to remain confidential and independent about these things. That is priceless. I have spoken to so many people, who want to cope and not cut off difficult family members, but still, need spiritual support, including compassion during their coping-if in fact, they just don’t leave the broken family circle. For the record, please know that I have no problem helping people cope, or taking their power back or, even helping them detach emotionally, from this sort of dysfunction. Therefore, your writings are amazing because they can inspire all of those types of scenarios. Brilliant. You have become my favorite self help writer. And even if a person, in a situation as such, can’t break the chains of getting away from toxic families, believe me, still being able to read your posts can help them feel better, detach and not feel so alone– Regardless of what they decide to do about it. That’s talent. You have it. You rock! Thanks.
    Your fan, Miss Krystal

    Reply
  8. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Carmen,

    “”” We are all masters of our own destiny. We are the creators of our own universe; regardless of what shit hole we may have emerged from. No matter if we were abused, forgotten, ignored, smothered or driven insane by others, we can still make a choice and walk away. “””””

    I just LOVED the above quote from your article……I love how you serve the truth straightup !!!!

    VERY, VERY TRUE !!!!! Well done, Carmen.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply

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