“The break-up was just out of nowhere.” Really? In the first shock of a relationship ending, we like to think that it was out of the blue. But this is rarely, very rarely, the case. Most people tell you they are going to dump you in multiple ways before it actually goes down.
Perhaps 99% of meeting your mate is actually being with the right person for you. Common interests, values, similar backgrounds, chemistry and that spark that keeps you coming back for more. So if there are already glaring differences in your personality and values, a breakup is an eventual conclusion. It’s probably a surprise you got together at all!
But if you are going along and you seem pretty compatible but something feels just off – it could be a lull in your intimacy that will soon swing the other way or you might be headed for a fall. Here are the signs on the way to destination dumped – and how to head it off at the pass!
Is your mate on their worst behavior around you? One strategy for breaking up is acting like a total slob/jerk/boob and hope that the other person does the dirty work of pulling the plug. This can be intentional or self-sabotaging, either way it’s pretty confusing when the partner that was nuts about you suddenly can’t make it to your birthday party or call you back the same day or even be in a remotely good mood when you’re around. The worst is when this comes in patches as they act out their mixed feelings right in front of your eyes. One day you are the cat’s meow and the next, you are in the litterbox. When this starts happening, the clock is ticking…
Are plans for the future suddenly absent from your conversations? A few months ago, you were talking about a vacation to Italy and now you can’t even bring up next Saturday’s barbeque. When people are thinking about leaving a relationship, they don’t want to weigh out future plans with a desire to leave. And, if it’s been a relationship based on respect and honesty, they don’t want to disappoint you by not showing up to your cousin’s wedding after you made the hotel reservations. So if your future was mapped out through the holidays and now you’re not even sure if you’re going to the movies Friday night, chances are all your plans may be coming to a halt.
Is your lover gathering items previously left at your place? This is usually the step right before the big talk. We leave objects places we want to return to. And we pick up our things when it’s time to leave. This means that t-shirts, DVDs or an extra pair of jeans might suddenly vanish from their place in your closet. We think this will make it easier, but it usually doesn’t. So, gather ye roses while ye may, but leaving a relationship isn’t as easy as packing your bag.
You already know
What does your gut say? The reasons we are drawn to one another are vast and mysterious and always exist on the spiritual plane. And the reasons we pull away from each other physically are also spiritual. You can feel when your lover is creating distance or drawing closer. You just have to admit it to yourself. Trust your gut. It’s usually on to something.
It’s now time to decide for yourself. Before you fly into reactionary mode – take a deep breath. What do you honestly think of your partner – apart from sex or the excitement of simply having a partner? What qualities as a person do you value in them. Have you seen these values as evident consistently in the time you have been together? Write out some pros and cons and look at it for yourself and know if you want to stay or go before you confront your partner. But do confront them. The sooner you know the truth, the sooner you will heal and move on. Don’t prolong the inevitable!
You must confront the situation with honesty and openness and – most of all – don’t script out the ending. Once you know if you want to stay in the relationship, then you are ready to ask about the behaviors you’ve been observing. Ask clearly what your partner is feeling. If they are having doubts, which you already know they are, talk to them about it. Doubts are not the end of a relationship – they are a stage in an adult relationship. Sometimes doubts are the first part of a process of accepting who this person really is and what they mean to you. And sometimes doubts are indications that it’s best that both parties are free to pursue a better match. Let the ending come naturally as part of the process. The ending might be the end of the romantic aspect of the relationship or it might be the end of the behavior and the beginning of a more open communication between you both.
People come into our lives for all sorts of reasons and teach us things we can never expect. So open your eyes and experience what this has for you. Even if this ends in heartbreak, think of it as your heart – opening. Open to healing, open to growth, open for the next loving person to come to you!
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