Casual sex can mean different things to different people and can be defined in many different ways. Generally, there are no strings attached and no expectations of exclusivity. This is sometimes known as Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), which can be sex with someone that you know or a simple one-night stand. For our purposes, we are going to define it as consensual sex outside of a romantic relationship or marriage.
Sex is a powerful experience that can awaken emotional responses that we weren’t expecting. So, what do you do when what started as a casual fling begins to feel like something more? That answer is not as straightforward as most of us would like it to be.
I Got No Strings
As Chloe Carmichael, Ph.D. states, “Sex with no strings attached can be really fun, but it can also get really complicated. First and foremost, don’t beat yourself up for developing feelings: Women are biologically wired to feel attached to their sexual partners, so it’s not only common, it’s natural.” Thanks to the bonding hormone, oxytocin; it’s hard not to feel at least a little bit of attachment with your partner and the more often you see each other the stronger that bond is going to become.
This is why it is so important to make sure that you are both on the same page from the beginning, especially if it is a friends with benefits or sex with an ex type of situation. It is helpful for both sides to discuss what their intentions are from the beginning. Are you both able to separate physical closeness from emotional closeness? Are either of you open to it becoming more down the road? And if only one of you is open to that idea, what exactly is the plan? Are you planning on exclusivity or carte blanche? There are so many things to take into consideration.
When I Think About You
But what happens when you’ve promised each other that you could handle a no strings attached arrangement but now you are getting a case of the feels? Can the relationship continue with one side holding that bit of information back? Is it fair to either side to withhold it?
Honesty is important in all relationships, from the romantic to the mundane, but in these types of situations, it is especially important. Holding back the fact that you have developed feelings for your sex buddy could be detrimental to your emotional and mental health. Dr. Rachel O’Neill states, “If you’re the type of person who really values intimacy and views sex as something that happens after a relationship develops, then perhaps casual sex isn’t right for you.”
If you find yourself in the middle of having serious feelings for your partner you might want to take some time and step back. Try approaching them with phrases such as, “I thought you should know that I am starting to really like you, so I think I need to step back and slow things down a bit. I didn’t plan on having feelings like this when we started.” This way your feelings are known, and you open the door for them to state what their current feelings are in a non-confrontational, no-pressure way.
Let’s Get it On
If you are considering taking things to the next level, there are a few things to keep in mind.
- Do You Share any Mutual Interests? Pay attention to their words and actions. Do you talk throughout the day, or do they only ring you up in the middle of the night? Do you enjoy spending time together outside of sex and the bedroom? If so, then your partner might be open to a deeper level of commitment.
- Plan a Day Out: If you are trying to determine if your partner is “Relationship material” this is an excellent way to get the answer. Suggest going somewhere together. Keep it semi-casual but choose an activity that is date-like. Go to a party or an event as a couple, visit a museum, or cook a meal together and watch a movie. Move things out of the bedroom and into real life.
- Express Yourself: If you start to suspect that your partner is feeling the same way about you then go ahead and tell them how you feel. Keeping things low key is important at this step, as giving ultimatums will only backfire on you.
There’s No Such Thing as a “One Size Fits All” Relationship
Just remember, whether you find yourself enjoying a no-strings-attached approach to relationships or are joined at the hip, you need to be true to yourself and your needs. Don’t try to fit into anyone else’s idea of what is right. Relationships, sex, love, and everything in between mean different things to different people, and you need to figure out what works best for you and the one(s) you share them with. As long as you keep your communication open and honest, then that’s enough.
There’s nothing worse than romantic uncertainty, but you don’t have to navigate the ebbs and flows of love alone. A love psychic is always available to help and a psychic love reading is exactly what you need to get your relationship on the path to forever.
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38 thoughts on “When Emotions Come Into Casual Sex”
In my own experience. Having casual sex all the time would make you less committed and empty. When we are young. We seek love and hope for marriage but as on the way for that. You sleep around dispersing your energy with someone who won’t give a shit about you but moment usage of your body. But once you get older your soul or brain wiring change significantly as you can literally enjoy casual sex because you passed the emotional consequences stage when you were young. Bottom line casual sex isnt good if your young and is good when your old
I am sexing this guy four years now n he never took me serious he alway moved on with girlfriend but we never stopped
Sunshine, are you serious? He’s fucking married. You’re screwing up a family for sex? You and him both have some serious issues.
So I have this friend that I met when a friend was purchasing a car from the dealership. Make a long story short we became fast friends and have been in a sexual relationship now for 3 months,,,,he’s married I’m not….so out time has to be planned, he and i both decided that we wanted to keep this for a long long time….are there feelings involved here??????
rI’m having a casual friendship/sexual encounters relationship with a fellow I met on the Internet through a dating website. It’s what we both expressed interest in and it has so far, worked out well. He was engaged before we met for 5 years and has been out of that engagement for just over one year. They still own a house together (they’re friends and she just never bothered to stop paying ‘her’ share) but only he lives there. For the moment, I don’t really care because we are only casual, but I feel my feelings for him growing and I think he also likes me more than we had initially set out pinning our ‘relationship’ on in the first days… At what point would it be okay to ask or is it ever any of my business to know why they don’t ‘sever’ the mortgage. He did mention at one point that there could be a small chance that they might get back together. It didn’t matter much back when he said it, but now…kinda does…I don’t know what to do. Should I talk to him about my feelings?…Or should I just be cool and let him be a ‘big boy’ and deal with his own stuff in his own way?…
Well I was with a man for twenty years left me for a so call friend this changed me on how felt about men it took me over a year to even be able to talk to a man without wanting punch him the face I was very angry so I started to work on me body mind and heart it was very hard but with the love of my family and very good friends women and men I changed and about 6 month ago meet a man who became my friend and he was also hurt at the time then started dating then became my lover and I did not want to ever love again to be hurt just wanted a lover but with time we have a very strong connection so when you just don’t care and live life and are free no string it’s kind of funny how thing work out just be happy and live life to the fullness
Am not interested in all been said by others to hel with so called………..
Casual sex it just empty in truth. Love making with a partner that you truly love n share on so many levels is the best. For me their is no substitute forsharing your sacred body with you true love! I know I’ve made all the mistakes and I learnt through mistakes n pain n a lot of tears. The best thing to do when it all gets crazy is to sit with it and cry and stay away from vices like drugs gambling alcohol or casual sex it only causes more pain.
casual sex never remain casual it turns in to cheating your partner.
During my single days I had several casualencounters, now that i am married for over 19 years and still going intensively strong. I mean the feelign and intensity and passion are heightened more and more every time we make LOVE. Yes, LOVE, I have to say truthfully I didnt feel it as intensely as I do now and want more everyday and can’t wait to see my husband and spend every moment with him, s he does with me we have 5 children as well.
I met a guy a few months ago in a bar. We had so much in common and were immediatley attracted to one another. He has a Significan Other and so did I at the time.
It turned into a very passionate relationship. After have ‘causial sex” with him, I could feel that loving energy moving from my body, I mean the hormone that women secrete when they are attaching to someone. Oxytocin, I think it is. Nevertheless, he called a lot and checked in on my a few times a day. I was beginning to think of my self as his other significant other. I had no problems with this as I sont really believe in monogamy. Now, unfortunately, I am beginning to like him and he is turning into a slug that comes over and lays around and watches the game. He is starting to see himself as a prize rather than an accessory in my life. Last night I was overcome by these feelings and refused to have sex. I am gonna get myself out of this.
Everyone has their own opinion about it but I think the article is right on. I was married for 18 years and I hated sex. I’ve been divorced for 3 and I love having just casual sex with other men and no strings. I don’t want another relationship like I had, but I have needs. I found someone last year that I had a connection with and we both agreed we would be Friends with Benefits (FWB) and we would see each other 2x a week. He started calling me over every day and we started to get closer. After 6 weeks he said he couldn’t do it anymore because I wanted more and he couldn’t give it to me. The thing is I never said I wanted to be his gf or move in or get married. It was just sex, not love, but I thought we at least had a good friendship and he just left. So it’s true in the article that it depends on how each person sees it in their opinion. We recently reconnected and I’m calling the shots this time. Wish me luck!
We use word play a lot as people. In a nut shell sex can be casual and just as passionet being in a relationship or not. If your feelings start to come into play then they very well should YOUR HUMAN!! that’s what we do we feel! we all have emotions so there is no need to down play it period. I mean why wouldn’t anyone feel emotions towards someone that can provide them good pleasure??
In the instance where you’ve been engaged sexually for quite some time with a paticular someone and haven’t discussed or labeled them as being your “significant other” and you would like to then just discuss it. If they are not interested in being your exclusive partner then decide if what your looking for is continued sexual play time or an exclusive partner.
Don’t kid yourself saying things like “oh he/she is the best I’ve had in a long time” or “it’s hard to find someone that good”. It’s nonesense just move on THERE ARE TONS OF GREAT LOVERS IN THE WORLD. If after you asK to be exclusive and the person says they don’t want to and your ok with that then by all means enjoy your good time becasue as we all know nothing ever really last forever so why deny yourself passion AND GOOD LOVEMAKING?? WE ALL DESERVE IT!
( I was wondering what Kelly calls “no drama”… )
anyway, casual sex to me is surrendering to animal instincts. As humans, I believe we have something more than monkey DNA, and making the decision of having sex only when love and respect is involved helps us find that “Higher”, spiritual part of ourselves.
I for one have always been in a committed long term relationship…..great sex!!! I have been single for awhile now and decided to stay that way a little longer.I still enjoy sex with my ex.I have made a choice to be free and let go and have crazy unihibited sex with protection with who ever I choose and its liberating and empowering..the greatest thing is no expectations .Im loving it .I was a good girl for way to long .It is all about choice.No shame!!!!
Life is too short. I recently spent the night with a neighbour and it was fantastic and freeing. I’m single though recently my ex said he wants to get back…the sex was never as good as it was with the neighbour. I have unashamedly made the decision to see my neighbour on a strictly casual basis because it feels so good! I know he sees one or two other women but I’m happy with the arrangement in the short term. Of course I’m aware and prepared for feelings to go deeper but I expect I’ll cut things when it starts to happen.
OMG I am not alone!!! I too feel like a fool, Am I being taken for a ride? ( What a fun ride) I do wish I could meet a man that would be in love with me, for me. And want to do things with me. But it is way sweet haveing a Boy Toy (BT). I am not sure if I would even want him, Full time!! I like seeing him a few times a month and still having my freedom. Am I being a bitch?
Casual sex not plan unexpected ok.
i am 46 yrs old and have a boy friend younger than me he is only 33 yrs old ,,,,we are now 2yrs with a happy together with this relation,,, i feel that i love him,,,,and i feel that he love me also,But i feel guilty to think that i keeping him,,,i try to talk with him to find another woman younger than me ,,,but he answered ,,,i do not care about age ,,,as long i am happy with u.,,,,IS THIS A CASUAL SEX?>>>>>
hmmm…i think its addiction…and time wasted.Maybe if time was used another way something useful,this may not be happen.Casual sex hurts,emotions,energy,effort, is still giving away!though no string attached but i think one way or another one is using the other.
i agree with you kutie the emotion is the important and without it there is no teast
i liked how clear and concise. very well put, very impressive in it’s common sense clarity and truth-of-the-matter logical solutions to problems that high emotions make difficult to keep level headed about.
i do believe it to be true, self sustaining long term chemistry is what sediments feelings of loving and being loved, and all we can do is try to find it, and have courage to accept the truth and move on when we don’t. it’s a selection process, that’s why they call it ‘finding the right person’, and not ‘making-the-right-person’.
I don’t even like the sounds of “casual sex.” To me it means just a lustful, “in the moment,” non-emotional action between two people completely dismissing any real feelings, any type of morality, any committment to one another. To me it takes away the “sacred-ness” of what I think two people should have together when they are giving their bodies up to one another. It is not a “casual” thing to me, and if a woman allows it to continue, then she should demand some sort of monogomy and exclusiveness to the relationship.
My wife and I have not slept together in 2 years … What’s up with
That? She a Libra and I a kind Taurus man.
Casuaul Sex, what a joke! If you don’t wanna get burned, don’t play with fire! Why do people share their body so freely with anyone? Have they no respect for themselves? save your selves for someone who actully will love you, or forget about it!!!!! Think more of yourslef!!!!
I met a man, well he met me, He ask me if I was married, I told him no. A boyfriend, No. I asked him the same, with the same answers. After about a month or so we had sex, After he and I being together abot 4 or 5 times. He told me he had a girlfriend…. But that they hadn’t been together for 3 months. I started backing away, Big time telling him not to come over. Being a man he would come by were I work ( at a Quick stop ). I be came the other woman, he became my Boy Toy…
One night he called me, from jail, a DUI in front or my house. I went and picked him up the next am. He stayed at my house for 10 days. He did have a house and I drove him and all his things to it. I left to go to my sons 21st bday party. I came back 2 days latter. With a bad hang over. He called me, to tell me his girlfriend was on her way to my house, He begged me to lie, and tell her we hadn’t sleept to gether. I did, he then told her the truth. I backed out. DONE!! But he never gave up. About 4 months ago we started seeing/sleeping together. His girlfriend moved to another state.
Its been 2 years now and I still call him my Boy Toy, no strings, I like it kinda. I have been single for 6 yrs. This is nice, No drama, or BS. Is this casual sex or what??? Or should I give up and try to stay away????
This article was interesting. I recently experienced a night of extreme passion w/ a scorpio. I don’t know if this qualifies as “casual sex” as we met and went on a date the week before. It wasn’t planned but protected. Logically, I wanted to wait and get to know him better. But our sexual energy was so strong and frankly it had been a long time for both of us. He even shared that we were astrologically sexually compatible (94 out of 100). We both agreed that if we were any more compatible, we may have burnt each other to a crisp.lol
Anyway, besides giving and receiving pleasure, I know now that it was also a sexual healing and a gift. Immediately after sex he was cuddling with me…holding my hand while walking me to my car. I thought that was very sweet. But the next day, I was hard on myself for not being more in control. Failure, what does he think of me,blah, blah, blah…A week later, he acknowledged that it was probably the best sex of his life but it was too soon and he’s “beating” himself up. I shared that although it happened sooner than planned, it was an extraordinary night and why “shoulda,coulda,woulda”. We’re human. How about giving ourselves a “do-over” and get to know each as friends? It was awkward. He sent me a text the next day saying that the energy is too intense right now, he feels wiped out and he needs a break. Go figure…So, I’m respectfully giving him his space.
Anyone have any thoughts? What just happened? Can two people recover from a night of passion that turns into shame/guilt and build a friendship? Which was the original intent. If so, how.
i think casual sex is the best to get hurt , what if your feelings get involed than your just ass hole out!!!!!!
casual sex whats that. i have been in a relationship like this fir 7 years. adn you cant tell me that their isnt deeper feelings. i cAN SEE IT IN HIS EYES EVERTIME WE ARE TOGETHER. ALTHOUGH HE SAYS HE CARES ABOUT ME DEEPLY HE HAS NEVER SAID THE 3 WORDS. BUT THEN NIETHER HAVE I. I THINK WE ARE BO5TH SCARED TO SAY IT BUT I THINK WE BOTH KNOW THAT WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND WE ARE FINE WITH IT.
the best way to avoid the pitfalls of casual sex is to do it alone.
Kutie, if you equate having sex with washing your floors… I feel bad for you… really really bad….. you must be doing it wrong.. really really wrong… lol
There is no such thing as casual sex without emotions or
feelings getting involved sooner or later especially if it is with the
same partner. Although there are some men more so then women
who can do this as most men just want to get laid!!!!!!!!
ok i mean really casual sex was never casual its sex no matter how many times or when u have it so instead of wrighting lovly littlearicles go out and get laid
Once again, casual sex may give you something you hadn’t planned on : pregnancy or a dose of something else besides heightened emotional escape! HE should be wearing a condom! Unptrotected sex is not an option, especially if you don’t know each other very well.
oh yes, people !! let’s all just have pure sex and just see it as it “should be: a shared intimate experience between two human beings.”, as Ms. Mikos says. and nothing more. wow, isn’t that insightful ?..
A great understanding in this writing
Doesn’t seem so casual after all
I don’t agree with this whole premise…….casual sex should not even exist…what’s the point of having sex (aside from pregnancy) if it isn’t held up with highest regard and considered an “extra” special emotional or non-emotional experience…otherwise, you might as well treat the experience the same way you would as if you were washing your floors!!!!!