Do you suddenly have a headache at the thought of making love to your partner? Would you rather spend the evening at a bar with friends than snuggled up on the couch with them? Would you like to rekindle the romance but simply don’t know how?
Anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship knows that’s it’s easy to get into a rut. Yet successful couples realize that romance and passion ebbs and flows. Such is life. The difference between those who make it work and those who don’t, however, is that successful couples continuously make an effort to infuse romance rather than wait till the relationship is too stale to salvage. It’s an ongoing effort. That shouldn’t be brain surgery, and yet, all of us struggle with it from time to time. The real question is whether or not you really want to make things work. So…
Ask yourself, do you want to be together? That’s the bottom line. If you do, it’s never too late to add some sizzle with the suggestions below.
Admit it and let it go
To begin with, it’s important to look at the underlying reasons why you are no longer connecting. Are you still attracted to them? Did you ever feel passion towards your partner, or are they more of a friend? Are you turned off because they’ve let themselves go? Are you angry? The accumulation of resentment is a major reason couples grow apart sexually. So you need to learn to let petty issues go, and discuss the bigger ones. Couples who make up instead of hold a grudge are the ones that survive in the long-run.
Remember and honor
What brought you two together in the first place? Think about it. Remember their smile… the way they liked to play footsie with you before you dozed off… the fact that they obsessed with oral hygiene and flossed three times a day. Bring to mind all those silly and endearing things that make your lover who they are. It’s important to recall those initial feelings of attraction.
“My favorite thing is to treat each other the way you first did when you were trying to seduce the person,” adds Dr. Judith Kuriansky Idiot’s Guide to Healthy Relationships.. Flirt. Dress up for them. Wear sexy lingerie. Do it even if it feels contrived at first. Also, concentrate on the positive rather than whining and begging about what they’re not doing. Better yet, put your best foot forward and do something for them. For every negative there should be five positives, adds Kuriansky.
It’s very important to make sure you appreciate one another. Do lots of small things consistently. Let your partner know that they matter. Respond to their email. Leave a sticky note in their pocket, compliment their hair. Buy them a gift simply because you love them.
Move your relationship back to a priority position – schedule time together like you would a business meeting – and treat that time together like you’re meeting with your best client, suggests Debbie and Paul Lamb, the co-founders of Lambs on Love, a company dedicated to the improvement of couple relationships.
And don’t wait for a holiday like Valentine’s to do something romantic. It’s expected and therefore not really as special. Mix in novelty. Do something spontaneous – show up at work with plans for a night out, plan a different kind of outing. Consider scheduling a weekly date night. Take turns deciding what to do. Plan a weekend getaway or revisit a place that holds special memories for you.
Whether it’s trying a different position, adding a toy or playing X-Rated scrabble, being willing to try something new can change how you see each other, says Pat Davis author of the Passion Parties Guide to Great Sex: Secrets and Techniques to Keep Your Relationship Red Hot.
Don’t forget to chat. Remember, the most important sex organ is your tongue, adds Davis. Talk without judgement or attacks. Really listen. Ask your partner what pleases them in and out of the bedroom. We’re constantly evolving, so even though you’ve been together for eons, there’s still a myriad of things to discover about each other.
It is never too late to spice things up. If you’re married, you’ve made a real commitment and it’s worth the effort. Try to make it work for you, your higher self, the kids and the community. There’s a lot at stake, not least of which is your happiness!
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