How to Get Back in Your Grove When You’ve Fallen Out of Sync
Do you crave sexual connection more than your partner? Or, do you feel exhausted by your significant other always initiating sex when you just want to cuddle? Mismatched sex drives very often tear apart otherwise happy relationships. You can read about sexual incompatibility in most psychology magazines, seek advice from any daytime talk show, or just talk it over with any of your partnered up friends, because likely everyone has experienced it in one form or another. You and your partner are sexually out of sync!
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Sexual Disconnect is Common
Just because this issue seems to shows up in most relationships, “normalizing” it won’t fix and ignoring it won’t make it go away. In fact, this painful rift between partners leaves a thick residue of resentment and shame for having any desires at all. Many of us end up learning how to deny our needs to satisfy someone else’s expectations, making the possibility of real intimacy merely an unrealistic and unattainable fantasy. This creates habitual patterns that show up long after we leave one relationship only to take shape again and again in the beds with our future partners. The resulting fear of intimacy that plagues so many of us begs that we ask the question, “Is this all too common sexual disconnect issue among couples actually a symptom of a much bigger problem that we all must face?” Let’s explore the possible underlying reasons why we cannot seem to strike that satisfying balance between sex and intimacy and learn how to finally “get off” on the same wavelength! Here’s why you and your partner are falling out of sync sexually.
Denying and Suppressing
When we attempt to control someone else we really have parts of ourselves we desperately want to deny or suppress. This creates a separation from the self making it IMPOSSIBLE to experience connection with a loving partner. Do you have a truth that scares you so much that you would prefer to hide it away and live only a fraction of all that life and love can offer you?
We all want to feel empowered and that takes strength, and true strength cannot exist without what we run from most—vulnerability. We keep our vulnerabilities cleverly concealed beneath controlling behaviors such as withholding sex or passive aggressively creating drama such as causing a huge argument just to get to the passionate make-up sex. Why is asking for what we need so damn difficult?
Mystery, Then Assumption
When we first find a partner who attracts us, a pervasive sense of mystery ensues and we cannot help but feel drawn into their domain and vice versa. This infatuation takes over and our sex drives usually sync up, instantaneously creating intoxicating feelings of elation and freedom. The need to control has not yet appeared. As time continues, our truths slowly reveal themselves, and rather than staying in the moment, the fear of rejection replaces liberation and expectations set in, creating limitations and walls. All of a sudden, we assume we KNOW everything about what arouses and excites our partner, without pausing to ask them. We settle for just going through the motions. We fail our partner and ourselves when we stop prioritizing lovemaking enough to slow down, to share eye contact and simply ask for what we really need in this moment. Assumptions lead to falling out of sync sexually.
Often couples, in dismay or in an accusatory tone, will say they feel that their significant other seems like a stranger. I believe that when you arrive at this breakthrough conclusion you have rediscovered the possibility for mystery, and now the fun can begin all over again! If we dare to venture into these unexplored places of mystique, poke around a bit and ask a few questions, we may discover a renewed desire for playing in the dark rather than being afraid of it.
The Shadow is that void within the psyche, the dark place, which carries our deepest secrets and primal urges. Whether we choose to express them or not, they will follow us into our bedrooms. They find the places where they can play, and there is no better playground than our sexual fantasies. However, most of our vulnerabilities live here too. The fear of judgment, ridicule and rejection for revealing what lurks behind closed doors still exists in even the longest lasting marriages. And, that is a very good thing! The fear does not destroy your relationship. AVOIDING the fear does. Keep in mind, if our desires do not get enough playtime they will wreak MAJOR havoc, creating even more distance.
Get to Know Your Longings and Express Them
Get to know your erotic longings and EXPRESS them. Not sure how to find them? They live in the Shadow which is wherever you have insecurities. You can find them tucked behind words never spoken, lingering in the embarrassed glances that cause you to look away quickly when all of a sudden you feel “seen,” and they often rest on the tip of your tongue when you give or receive a passionate unexpected kiss.
Share Your Secret
Practice sharing your dirtiest secret! This will strengthen your bond and help you feel safe enough to not go back into hiding when insecurities surface. Instead, learn to embrace them as they arise, and know that an earth-shaking climax must be on the horizon whenever you feel those nervous/excited butterflies. You may not always agree on the same sexual schedule, but try not to let that discourage you from welcoming the scary moments as opportunities for you to step boldly (and naked) into the light. You will never stop being a mystery to yourself or to each other, which is why love can endure. You will keep you and your partner from falling out of sync sexually. Let it take you by surprise over and over AND OVER again.
Psychic Zariya ext. 6009