Men Who Cheat and Leave

Some men who cheat during relationships leave. Others stay. The difference between the two is that the first leaves to pursue the same behavior with a new woman, and the second group leaves to pursue new women but comes back “home” periodically to enjoy the benefits of a committed relationship. Usually, this can only be changed with the man recognizing the destructiveness of the behavior and/or the woman seeking counseling to seek other options for herself.

I often have callers who ask if their man will return after leaving a relationship. Sometimes, I have to say that I see them “gone.” Their significant other has left the scene in order to play out his idea of a relationship with a fresh person. It will be the same idea of the way he feels a relationship should go, just with a different person. This includes cheating on the new individual the way he did with the former. Men don’t cheat because the other person drives them to it – they cheat because they want (or even need) to in order to fulfill their model of what a relationship should be. (Games People Play, a popular book from the 1970s which breaks down the “mind games” that people play with each other, would have described it as living out their “script.”)

When some individuals ask if the man will return, I must tell them that he will – over and over again, unfortunately. Serial cheaters enjoy being in so-called committed relationships, but have no idea (and possibly no desire) as to how to go about nurturing one. He is interested in immediate emotional gratification and not long-term fulfillment. If a woman accepts his behavior – and, heart-breakingly, many will – he has absolutely no incentive to change. Many women question if it will be different “this time,” and I have to tell them that most likely the behavior will continue to be repeated. What is the incentive for the man to change? He has the best of both worlds – a stable relationship when he wants one, and a newer, more exciting one right on call when he wants that instead.

Women are best served by realizing that the way to deal with these types of relationships – both with men who cheat and leave, and with men who cheat and return (and return and return and return . . . ) – is by realizing that they deserve, and can receive, better, and that counseling can do wonders not only in helping to make the break but also to develop new expectations in relationships. There is always room for taking a break from destructive relationship patterns, in order to stop and gain more understanding of them. In many cases, understanding ourselves better is all we need to end old habits and cycles. And everyone deserves better than to be cheated on.

75 thoughts on “Men Who Cheat and Leave

  1. Jessica

    I enjoyed the article it’s true but women love is so strong and we love so hard we don’t take them back cause of their mess ups we take them back cause we are so in love till were sometimes in our heart we hope they change but in reality in our minds we know they are not. But sometimes they learn they lession and sometimes they don’t I came to relize that a man respects a woman a whole lot better when we sometimes show them tough love by putting out foot down a little more especially when they know they have done wrong and mesed up. We have to be more strong when it comes down to being in love. Men really do loves a strong woman and not just being strong but showing that we are, We are very unique ladies and very special and I fell like if he doesn’t change the things that’s hurting you he reallydon’t care but if he’s trying to change his bad habbits that’s getting next to you give him a chance. Some men dnt want to change and some don’t know how but i feel to belive men do to us what we allow so take a stand ladies and put it on the line watch for signs and keep it real with urselfs we all make mistakes when it comes down to love but don’t keep making the same don’t settle for less cause we really are Queens and remember this last thing keep God first and pray and never settle for less God Bless Ya’l.

    \

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  2. elsa

    umm…i think that this article broght me alot in my mind ..bout my exboyfriend..and i guess it was my fualt that he never change….now i know…..now i know how to make him kinda stop …and just change…:¡

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  3. Tansy Ext. 5289

    Dear Kathleen:

    Your man is cheating on you-with alcohol. Anything that takes away from the committed relationship is cheating.

    I know you love him but believe me, there is someone else out there for you who has all of the positive attributes that you love in this man but without the alcohol problem. Ask yourself-don’t you deserve better than this? Yes, you do, we all do.

    One method in particular that works really well is that everytime you begin telling yourself how much you love him, also tell yourself (over and over) why you can’t live with him. You can “talk yourself” out of love just like you fell in love.

    Hope this helps,

    God Bless You,

    Tansy
    Ext. 5289

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  4. Gabriella Angellica

    All I can say is I was in a 10 year relationship with a man who played women. Fresh out of a divorce from a 22 year marriage with a gay man who never gave me any attention, passion, nothing, and I was extremely naive about players since I met and married so young; I was primed for a player. He was very handsome, sexy, sensual, and knew exactly how to give a woman everything she needed while he was with her. At first I was totally enthralled because he gave me everything I didn’t have for 22 years. Oh I knew before I even started dating him that he had lots of women, usually at least 5 or 6 going on at the same time. I was so naive because I hadn’t had any dating experience that I told myself that he just hadn’t met the right woman yet. Stupid me! I was the best of the bunch, best looking, best educated, best everything. I thought if I could just get him to love me, he’d change. Well I got my wish on the loving me but not the cheating. Men like that can pick up on a vulnerable woman in a 5 minute conversation, they’re pros. The 10 years were a complete roller coaster ride both emotionally and spiritually for me. But I couln’t let go of him emotionally. I went through many years of therapy and analysis and still couln’t let go emotionally. My self-esteem was pretty bad and after all I had stayed married for the sake of the children to a man who was never there for me didn’t I. I never had a real relationship and didn’t even know what one felt like. The only thing I can say is that I became very spiritual with full concentration on my spiritual growth. I think between what I learned in therapy, which didn’t sink in while I was in it but over the years everthing I learned made perfect sense, combined with my spiritual evolution which is still the mainstay of my life now, I learned to love myself. Now all I can say is that this man will never change; why should he when he can have it all. I feel sorry for any woman he’s involved with because I know the pain that goes with this man. He purposely selects women with low self-esteem so that he can use them; and once you’re involved with him, any self-esteem you had goes down the proverbial toilet. Whew! I’m so happy that I’m where I’m at today. Happiness comes from the inside out, not the outside in. Every woman has everthing she needs all withing herself, she just needs to believe in herself and trust her Source. Today I am so happy all time, so grateful all the time. I spend my life working on my spiritual practice with the main emphasis being compassion for all sentient beings. I send love to everyone including my ex-husband, my user boyfriend, everyone. I feel no anger or resentment in my heart only love. You see humans have a choice; they can either stay stuck in anger and resentment or they can learn and grow. I chose to learn and grow from the painful experiences, and that has made all the difference. I chose to be Buddhist; I chose to spend my life working on compassion. And that my dear friends has made me what I am today. Today I do have a man in my life, but I am in control of me. I cannot see myself ever needing a man to be happy because I’m happy with me and the new life I have created by the choices I have made. Thank you for reading my story; my only hope is that it helps you in some way; if I’ve accomplished that, then my work is done. Namaste

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  5. Tansy Ext. 5289

    Dear Maria:

    Porn is one thing (if it does not run his life) but hookers are just absolutely not a part of a committed relationship! Actually, both could be addictions on his part, but clearly you are not happy with your relationship, and this is what counts. Of course, you can no doubt tell by now that I am very big on counseling, and it sounds like this is what is needed, both for him and you. Personally, I would ask him to go for counseling, follow through with it and totally abstain from hookers. If he can do this for a year, then I would think that this could indicate he really does love you.
    God Bless You!

    Tansy
    Ext. 5289

    Reply
  6. michele

    I met a married man whom i’ve known a year from another friend.his wife an him keep having problems an she kicked him out pluss his home is so far from work and his shop that he persued a relationship with me.well i was getting treated like garbage at my home as i lived with a drunk whom cant remember nothin an he was 30yrs. older than me compared to my new friend,which has been a great part of my life.we currently live at his moms.i take care of her yard and his gramma an odds an ends.im kinda stuck seeming i dont have friends or noone else but im feeling too i must figure out something or he’ll never divorce that is if he chooses.

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  7. Denise

    God, this is bringing up so many memories!…………..
    I thought I processed them all…………..
    I have a question: When the Loser that markets himself on the Internet to have Graduated from a Baptist HIgh School in Texas and professes to have been brought up with so many Values and Morals buys you $500.00 in Sexy Stuff from Victoria’s Secret as a Valentine’s Gift and then decides 4 days later that things are just not working out and think of the Break-up like this, Imagine it’s like a band-aid that you rip off to expose the wound and then let it heal……………hmmm……..Do you find the closest Bon fire to Burn the Sexy PJ’s or do you go to his Catholic College where he is a Dean and throw them at him?……….Is there a law against wanting other’s to know what he is really like?….or Would I be seen by his peers as seeking the same level?

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  8. lisa

    I feel sorry for any one going through this with a partner who cheats and might become a sexual addict. New Flash! If you dont be careful you might end with paying for thier mistakes. Its called sexually transmitted diseases and some you cannot get rid of. People who do not want to be monogamous prey on peoples trust, until they get caught. Its about the temporary high and the excitement. God forbid they become addicts , then they are a danger to you the unsuspecting victim. So, if they leave you and come back make sure you have them or go with them to make sure the papers are clean!. They only know how to back down when their options are taken away. aging or illness. I tell you ! you cant even imagine how many ugly scenes break out at results time. The point I am trying to bring home here is once they get use to you they will trade you in like a used car with one-hundred thousand miles. Please be aware.

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  9. Yvette Thompson

    Thank you for your input and I agree 100% about what you said in your article. I was in a (so-called) committed relationship with a man for 7 years to found out he had been having an affair with another woman for 2 1/2 years of our relationship and he had a 1 1//2 year old son out of it. I was devastated to say the least. I am now seeking counseling and going to church and reading books to help me move past the hurt and pain. I wanted to stay in the relationship inititially but the more I stayed the more I knew it wasn’t right and I had to do something to change my life. I am currently trying to move away from the guy and let him find himself. This has really changed my life and I have learned alot from everything I been through, now I’m trying to be a better mom to my beautiful 3 daughters and show them I am stronger, wiser, and better now. Thanks for listening.

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  10. zella

    Lee, You imply that you knew about him asking her to come over and have sex before you moved in. Yet, you moved in anyway. What is it you want help with now..5 months later. If you can’t let it go, then just go. It isn’t fair to either of you to keep holding onto past mistakes. This sounds more like obsessive behavior than love. If he loved you deeply, he wouldn’t have risked hurting or losing you.

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  11. Joan

    In response to Connie, I have been married and I have never cheated. When I was in relationships with boyfriends I never cheated. Everybody does not cheat. That is not true. I’m sorry for those who think that it is. There are men and women out there who are loyal and faithful to their partners. So the comment about everyone cheating at sometime or another is not true

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  12. mismatoosey

    It is so true,,the new dating arena is even worse , after years of committed relationship,the dating world today is such a dissappointment.
    Thanks to the dating sites it is easier to cheat,begfore you even really get too involved,so no one bothers to think they are cheating since they never committed to more than dating,,while still on the dating site seeking more Miss or Mr Right nows.

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  13. Aisha

    I have been married 5 yrs now to a man I have sacrificed my family for. I have chosen to stay with him for fear of being alone..and most importantly because I wanted to make the sacrifice worth it..I began to feel very insecure about myself and began to change my self in every way possible..from the way I dress to the way I speak and carry myself even though it made me uncomfortable to look a certain way..I would constantly ask him what they had that I lack..and he would say nothing..When I confronted the girls in his lives..they would say not to ask them anything..to ask my husband..The women..were usually not very pretty ..they did not have anything spectacular about them that I could see..and it scared me..because..when I am approached by someone..people often say that I am very beautiful..but I never feel like that because if my husband does not think I am..then it really does not matter to me who else states that I am so..it only matters what he thinks of me..because he is my first and only partner in life..and I can not imagine being with out him..I have even given him a beautiful baby boy the age of 19 months..and just four months ago he became abusive and distant again and I did not know why because he said he would never cheat again..but he lied once again..I am currently unemployed and always depressed..I am not sure if I am emotionally stable enough to leave him and take care of my child alone..I have been disowned by my family for choosing to marry him.. I do not know any better than being with him..living for him..I know that if I leave him..I will always worry about him..his health..if he is sad ,if he is ok..I just think I am staying with him regardless because I think I can never find anyone better than him..aside from his cheating he actually has good qualities about him..he is very generous and kind and hardworking..I think maybe if I love him regardless of how much he hurts me..maybe someday..even if it is a hundred years from now..he will realize how much I really love him..and cherish him..maybe my loving him will change him to become a better husband and better father figure for my son..I am just too broken inside to make any change in my life..I feel an emptiness inside at all times..I wish I did not love him so much..

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  14. Shirley

    I am a divorcee and got involved with a man but have not married him. I am deeply in love with him but i have to do everything for him and it seems he doesn’t appreciate. I feel unwanted. I found someone else via chat it seems he cares and loves me too. I am confused whether to meet him as he is inviting me to visit him in Sydney and he wants to marry me too. Can you help because the man am involved and love have not proposed for marriage maybe he is just using me.

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  15. Lee

    I’m an older woman and fell deep and hard in love almost overnight.and I thought he did too we went on a cruise together and I was moving in with him and I did. I found a piece of mail on facebook that he invited this younger woman that he worked with over for a last fling before I moved in..I thought he was in love with me(he says he is) yet he was asking her to come over and have sex before I moved in I was devasted by this its been 5 months since this has happened but I can’t get her out of my mind and my relationship is in jeopardy I know he loves me deeply but now I have become insanely jealous over this. They work at the same place and now I imagine all kinds of thingsI guess I have lost my trust in him..how can I let this go?? I want to believe him when he says nothing ever happened she never responded I swear on my mothers grave..but..yes but theres that stupid but…we do love each other immensely but I just can’t let this go..help!!!

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  16. Joan

    Self esteem, self respect, character and integrity are the things that repell people who are prone to cheat on you. Don’t fall for the okie doke. Cheaters pick easy targets because they normally will try and snap someone to whom they feel is less than them so that they can feel better about themselves. Learn to like yourself. Learn to enjoy your own company. For women, seek out your personal and professional goals. Pursue the things you love. Stop looking for men, go to college or trade school and get some more attainable goals. Good men love woman who have a life. And have a life out of sincerity not because you want to catch a man. My promise to you is that with faith in God, goals, and a sincere love for yourself there will be a man out there checking you out and you don’t even know it.

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  17. Connie

    I have been on both sides of the fence. I have cheated and I have been cheated on…both hurt me spiritually. There are many reasons why someone “cheats”, to put it into categories makes it harder to see the individual and what their reason is.
    Whether we are married or not…we have to stop believing that that we are responsible for someone else’s behavior, or that they are responsible for ours. People come and go from our lives, some have a purpose and some don’t. We have no control over that, we do however have choices which can determine whether they stay or go.
    I was in an unhappy marriage and didn’t know how to leave the situation; therefore I looked for comfort elsewhere. Sometimes comfort is conversation, sometimes it is physical.
    I cheated; I turned to a man for comfort who was not my husband. The safe haven I thought I was in, was the fact that he was married too. I am not altogether sure why he turned to me…
    All I know is…there was a very emotional and physical bond. There was a spiritual connection as well, so of course I told myself that God must have put him in my path for a reason. My reason as it turns out was the opportunity to finally find myself.
    My husband also cheated on me…for many years. He never left me, I was always the one to leave and return. I was never quite capable of making a permanent decision. The reason I accepted his behavior and mine, was because it gave me an excuse to not change at all.
    I guess my point being….it is easy to sit in judgment. It is easy to push it all into dirty little piles and tell yourself that you’re the victim of your childhood, your marriage, or whatever other negative images you cling to for survival.
    The truth is (in my opinion) WE ALL CHEAT SOMEONE at SOMETIME in our lives. Especially… we cheat ourselves. So take your discression out of the closet, examine it, figure out what is in your head and heart that made you do it. The reason it is called cheating…is because we are not being honest, not with our partner or ourselves. Once you examine it as a fact, as a truth about yourself…then you can figure out how to exorcize it and move toward a positive change.
    Ultimately, the lesson that each and every one of us has to learn is that the only relationship we are responsible for is the one we have with ourselves and God. What do we need to change in ourselves to get the most out of it?

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  18. Carmen

    This is interesting! I’m new to this site. I have gone to the readers’ different point of views and to some extent I agree. This is true especially to those women who had failed relationships. Women who want to keep the marriage intact stay loyal, despite the heartaches. They keep the pain inside, denying themselves of their rights, especially married women.
    Yes, I come from a different culture, too. And in my place, most married women maintain their status for the love of family. Also, because she- chooses to “put a face” as happily married for fear of ridicule from friends;displacement on economic status; and/or simply because she is tied up to her expectations; religious beliefs and practices. Others stay because of family upbringing.
    I happened to come across a saying, Once A WOMAN is CHEATED, is not her fault. IF it’s the second time, it’s her FAULT!
    To a man who cheats.. is a sign of insecurity. He has identity crises. Because a REAL man is gentle, respects the woman he loves and WON”T allow her to despair!

    Thank you. More power!

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  19. Milly

    I too was cheated on I have been with him for 10yrs 11 in Sept we have 3 kids together 4,2,6mo. When I found out I was ready to call the quits it was over but I gave him a second chance. Just to give yall a lil back ground on us I cheated on him 5yrs ago he was very hurt and torn apart…so now its 5 yrs later and I guess its that what goes around comes around. I was hurt very distaught im still dealing with it its only been 4months since I found out, I have my days where one minute Im madly in love with him and next minute Im ready to kill him! That saying once a cheater always a cheater isnt so true I mean look at me I promised this would never happen again and Im keeping my word, I just hope he means the same. BTW great article!

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  20. kathleen

    Great article.I loved it.My first and only husband was a cheater and I divorced him at a very high expense.I lost my horse farm, my house, everything.I did gain my freedom.Life is to short and I feel that there is a wonderful man out there waiting.
    Kat

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  21. Skeptical

    TO: Maria,
    It appears that no one here has answered your question. So the only one who can answer that is you by asking yourself, “ARE MY NEEDS BEING MET”? and “WHO DO I LOVE MORE……HIM or MYSELF”??
    I feel men and porn are a Given! Making personal contact is another story (for me) and I’m not one to sit around and wonder about it when I can’t stand a Liar and a Sneak. So my suggestion for you would be to make a list: KEEPER or GONER and in between will be “how much can you put up with and for how long”?
    I wish you the very best and I pray your decision will be the one that brings you PEACE!

    with Love,
    me

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  22. kathleen

    I fell in love with a younger man who pursued me for months.He was drop dead gorgeous tall and we had alot of things in common.We got along so well.It was like a dream come true.He moved in and we became engaged,I knew he loved me as I loved him.We communicated well,had great lovemaking daily and were very happy.After one year he started getting restless and on weekends he went to his brothers house and would get drunk ,call me 100’s of times and tell me he loved me.I did not think he was cheating.I knew in my heart he loved me.He tried to change but could not give up drinking.I kicked him out 3 months ago.He call here at my house and hangs up.He has come to my house late at night.I will not let him in.I still love him,What should i do?Ido not think he was a cheater just an alcoholic.Please advise? Kat

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  23. ebony

    i totally like that article,but what about the men that leave and regret it and say they miss a person and is afraid to admit ittothe person,but yet and still they are with the other person. is it because they benefit from that person or they just with the person for emotional security reasons?

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  24. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    This goes out to all the wonderful, smart, sexy ladies out there…….KICK THE LOSER/CHEATERS OUT OF YOUR LIFE !!!

    You can do better !!!!!!

    I’ve read for 44 years as a professional psychic, and I read for alot of men as well….. and I can tell you, ladies, that there are still good MEN out there.

    I get calls, all the time, from REALl men, ( not boys), from all age brackets and income levels that are looking for lady to take as a life partner/wife…..and are looking to settle down with the ” right woman “.

    They are out there ladies, if you are patient , and take the time to look……so please don’t settle.

    You deserve better…..you can do better.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

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  25. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Glen,

    Yes…….you are right in your assessment of why men come back home……economics usually play at least 75% into that reason. I’ve read for men ( guys ) who have stated that same reason to me.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

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  26. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Doug,
    Yes, you are correct….women do this too……we aren’t just picking on you guys out there .

    LOL !!!!!

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply
  27. Margaret

    I enjoyed reading the comments and the artical. I found myself not wanting to let go and being that person who thinks if I just show love, understanding and support he will want me. I know more today then I did a year ago. Thank you all.

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  28. PJ

    Denise and Sandy, my heart goes out to you – I’m in the same boat. After 2-1/2 years I found out he was cheating on me. But he had cheated on his first and second wives, so once a cheater always a cheater. And he will cheat on this new woman, too. Nobody deserves to be treated like this, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when we get caught in the wake of their destructive behavior. Love yourself first, then true love will follow. At least I hope so …

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  29. Donna

    Dear Denise:

    He wasn’t a player…the proper word is USER/LOSER.

    They think they are slick and sly, but in all reality stupid and sluggish. That is why they play these ignorant games. Just a thought.

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  30. Denise

    Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water. Then you write this article and it hit hard. I recently dated a Man that said he worked a 60 to 70 hour work week. He was always working, having problems sleeping, he said that he couldn’t talk to me after 9pm because if he had to think about anything of substance after 9 then he couldn’t sleep through the night. When I met him he said he was 50, no kids, never been Married so I asked him what his favorite moment was and he said a Vacation that he took to Hawaii with him Mom and his Sister. We took a weekend and had an amazing and very Spiritual time in Ojai, California and when we got back to Santa Monica we were in the grocery store and he was searching for last minute gifts for his Mom and when we reached the Coffee isle I said, “What about Kona Coffee, did your Mom ever try it in Hawaii?” His response was, “My Mom has never been to Hawaii.” This Man was such a player/cheater that he couldn’t keep his stories straight. He lied about his age – he was 49 – he said he didn’t drink although I observed Alcoholic Body Shots in his Refrigerator. If he wasn’t drinking them – someone was. When I called him out on all of the lies he got really really busy……………..3 days before a 4 day planned weekend – The Valentine’s Weekend Plan to Lake Arrowhead turned into Oh, something just came up at work, my staff scheduled me without telling me, he sent me flowers Valentine’s weekend and never let me know that they were from him………….so Suspect!………..

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  31. Deb

    OMG THIS COULDN’T HAVE BEEN BETTER TIMING. I TOO HAVE HAD MY HEART BROKEN SO MANY TIMES BY THE SAME MAN FOR 6YRS NOW. I’M SO MAD AT MYSELF FOR TAKING HIM BACK . BECAUSE BY ME DOING THAT ,HE JUST FIGURES, NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. AND THEN WHEN HE’S READY TO COME BACK. HE WILL FIGHT UNTIL HE PERSADES ME BACK. HE WILL NEVER STOP CHEATING. I KNOW THAT.AND ONCE YOU LOSE THE TRUST, YOU CAN NEVER GET IT BACK. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AND I DESERVE BETTER. I’M GOING TO HAVE TO GET THAT BOOK .GAMES PEOPLE PLAY. EXACTLLY

    TX YOU SO MUCH,
    DEB

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  32. Natalia

    What about men, like my father, who cheat and leave to remarry another woman and stay with her to form a “new family”?

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  33. Ms. Cole

    Fabulous article……and sooooo true when it comes to relationships, whether they are committed, married, boyfriend/girlfriend ones, etc….Live with courage…and seek healthly support systems and look after yourself…

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  34. glenn blackwell

    Excellent word play.
    But the reason guys (not real men) engage in infidelity and return home, is economics.
    Good help is hard to find, his wife performs as a cook, housekeeper and laundress.
    His girlfriend provides sex and interesting conversation.

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  35. SANDY

    THIS SOOO HITS HOME. I’VE BEEN ON A ROLLER COASTER WITH A MAN FOR 5 YEARS—I FELL HARD FOR HIM 2 MONTHS AFTER MY HUSBAND DIED AND HE’S BEEN BACK AND FORTH IN MY LIFE SINCE. WE ALWAYS GET BACK TOGETHER—WE ARE IN OUR LATE 60’S—BUT LOOK 10 YEARS YOUNGER AND THE SEX IS BETTER THAN I EVER HAD!!! IT’S SO HARD TO EVEN TRY TO LOOK FOR SOMEONE ELSE AT THIS POINT–HE CONCIDERS HIMSELF A “FREE SPIRIT” AND IS VERY YOUNG AT HEART—AS AM I—BUT I HAVE HAD MY HEART BROKEN MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT, OVER THESE LAST 5 YEARS WITH HIM. JUST NEEDE TO VENT—-HAVE NO CLUE WHAT’S NEXT WITH HIM?

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  36. Epiphany

    This article could not be more true. I have been in a “involved” with a man for 13 years now, he and I have gone through just about everything. He had four children while we were together. At first I stayed because I felt like if I did he would see that I loved him truely and that would make him want to be with me. Then I stayed because I hate the other woman and I did not care to see her happy with “my Man” then, I didn’t want to be the reason he abandoned his kids so I said, I will wait in the wings until they are grown and then I can have him to myself. It has been the hardest years of my life. I find myself giving him excuses constantly for why he chooses to run back and forth between me and this other chic. I recently came to the conclusion that I don’t want to wait anymore, that I have cheated on my own self over and over again and that I can make all the excuses in the world but they will never make up for the fact that he won’t ever be totally mines because from the very first time I found out he was with her, instead of me giving him and ultimatum and standing up for myself, I decided it would be best to stay hushed and this only gave him silent permission to have two women. Why would he change after 13 years right? So I finally decided to remove myself from this horrible-on-the-heart situation. I was not dumb, I was careless with my own heart.

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  37. Maria

    Thank you for the clear article.
    My man cheats on me , but with the difference that he goes to hookers (he likes porn too) . I know it has nothing to do with me.
    He says he’ll change (time after time, when i find out about it), but it hasn’t happened so far.
    He doesn’t want out of the relationship, and says he loves me to bits.
    Is there any chance for change/improvement, or should I be the one to step back?
    Thank you,
    Maria

    Reply
  38. Beth

    Fabulous article. So many people have lessons to learn. It is sad that they are learned in such a heart breaking way. I hope that anyone who has gone through this or is going through this are able to come to a peaceful realization of what they need in their life to make it full and Happy.

    Health & Happiness to All!
    Beth

    Reply
  39. lj

    hello,

    actually im a little a bit uneasy ryt now, i cnt say im cheated bcoz i dnt wnt 2 feel it dt way,i jst wnt to considr ds things hapening as a trial, nd hoping sooner it wud be ok….. but if ncase it wud b lyk dat…. ur d loser coz u cnt find sm1 lyk me hu truly luv and accpted u as are….

    godbless…
    lj28phil

    Reply
  40. tony

    your only half right, some men want to stay after they realize the damage that was causd, however it is the woman who can’t forgive and forget!!!!!

    Reply
  41. heba abdel gawad

    i really like your article and although i come from a different culture , i still think this is applicable in my country. the only thing that i might disagree with is that there are some men wont come back as this would prove being a looser, and not every man can confess that he took the wrong decision. in a lot of cases it is because they are sick men who want to prove that they can be accepted by many others. but unfortunately the price is usually very high.
    last but not least who said that when this cheater comes back he will be accepted by his former wife. who can trust someone like him. i m sure you sensed my bitterness. thanks for letting me share my opinion.

    Reply
  42. Donna-Carla

    As I have experienced this patten with someone I loved dearly, I can only hope he learns what he need to learn and by fixing himself he doesn’t hurt anyone one else. Thank you so much, learning not to blame oneself is the first step towards happiness. Donna-C.

    Reply
  43. Himani

    Hi Tansy

    Great explanation on the types of cheaters – but are these the only two types found in men?

    I believe that every man at some point of time in life has cheated upon his spouse – does that mean that he willl be a cheater for the rest of his life? As per ur explanation, either he leaves to repeat the same behavior with the other women or he comes back (only for an “in-between relations” need) but still cheats on his spouse. This means that once a cheater – always a cheater. Isn’t it?

    Reply
  44. maryannex9146Maryanne x9146

    Hi, Tansy,

    Thanks for a great article on cheaters and their patterns. I thought it was particularly important to point out that someone who cheats is not driven to it by the actions or lack of actions of another person.

    I definitely agree with you that everyone deserves better than to be cheated on and I do believe everyone can achieve better.

    Sincerely,

    Maryanne
    Ext. 9146

    Reply
  45. Jacqueline x9472

    Hello Tansy,

    I enjoyed your article, as I say when you peal the onion and go to the core of the issue, the person who cheats is very insecure with them-self, they need outside sources to fulfill the need of feeling loved and wanted as well as desired, but the bottom line to self fulfillment starts with you, no one or any person can make you fill loved, if you don’t love yourself….

    Blessings and Big Hugs!
    Jacqueline x9472

    Reply
  46. Gina Rose ext.9500Gina Rose ext.9500

    Hi Tansy,

    Great article !!!!!!! I like your writing style !!!! I look forwadr to reading more of your articles.

    Blessed Be )O(
    Gina Rose ext.9500

    Reply

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