Most of us have had the experience of falling in love with someone. All the familiar signs are there. Our hearts jump when we see the person. We count the hours until we are with them again. Everything we’ve ever dreamed of seems to be contained in this individual. We’ve never been happier!
Most of us, as well, have had the experience of having our hearts broken. The person we believed to be the one for us turns out to be not who we thought. We’ve been cheated on, lied to and disappointed over and over again. We’ve never been so depressed and heartbroken in our lives. The problem is, though, that even though our ideal lover reveals himself to be seriously flawed, we are still in love. We are still caught up in feeling love for a person who is not good for us.
I would like to tell you this – there is a way to fall out of love. There is a way to extricate yourself from this intense emotional pain that you feel all day, every day. You don’t have to continue with your feelings of depression over this broken relationship, because you have the power within yourself for change. It takes time, but there is a way.
Years ago, I noticed that in real estate the most successful salespeople were very positive individuals. They firmly believed that what they said was true at that point in time, or would occur very shortly. If someone said “How are you today?” to them, they would say “Fantastic” or “Everything’s great!” If things weren’t great at that moment, they had firm expectations that they would be soon. On the other hand, if you asked a not-very-productive agent how he was, on any day, the answer tended to be something like “Well, I’m okay, I guess.” It wasn’t that giving positive responses made the agent successful; I eventually saw that it was what the agent first told himself that dictated the results that he eventually had.
It’s what we tell ourselves that produces the emotions that we feel. If we tell ourselves that we’re being taken advantage of by another, we typically feel anger. If we tell ourselves that we’re very attractive with our new hairdo, we feel desirable. And it is what we say to ourselves about our broken hearts and our ex (or soon to be ex) lovers that will govern how we feel, and how we act upon those feelings.
I had a friend who firmly believed in this. She put it into action in her work. What she thought she expected to materialize. When she fell in love with a man who proved to be a cheat, a liar and a womanizer, she used these methods to fall out of love. When she thought of all the wonderful times they had had together, she immediately mentally switched gears, she said, and began thinking about all the disappointments she had experienced with him. In working to build a realistic picture of him in her mind, she ran through all of the times he had been late or had stood her up (with many excuses later). When thoughts of how handsome he was ran through her head, she immediately replaced these with thoughts of how he constantly lied to her over not only large but small matters. She continued thinking about the way he would criticize her and compare her to others. To reinforce her desire to replace positive thoughts of him with negatives, she said she even drew horns and a moustache on a picture she had kept of him! (She later just threw it away.)
My friend said it was such a relief to replace this love that had been so betrayed with a simple feeling of dislike. She saw him once later in a public place and said she almost started laughing, thinking of him with horns and a moustache!
Truly, what we first think determines what we feel. We fall into love by telling ourselves what a wonderful (handsome, caring, truthful, etc.) person the other party is. Our emotions occur after our thoughts. We can, with time, talk ourselves out of love in a bad relationship. Falling out of love may not be as much fun as falling in love, but using this method, I believe, can free the individual so that they may once more seek a rewarding relationship.
I urge anyone who seems to be spinning their wheels in getting over the past to try this. Replace those good thoughts of what you believed you once had with real thoughts of how you were actually treated in this relationship. Even if he had a dozen great qualities, those qualities he had of cheating, lying and deceiving effectively cancel out the rest. Repeating over and over to yourself the destructive habits your lover had can very effectively erase that rosy picture you have habitually carried around in your mind. And eventually, this method will leave you open to meeting someone who you won’t have to erase from your life!