My problem is fantasizing about someone I can never have. I meet someone and get lost in their eyes, like there’s a connection. But one was married and just recently I met another person who has a girlfriend. It sets me up for failure and along with a broken heart for two someone’s I don’t even know. Am I mental?
Signed: Fantasy Lover
Yes, you’re definitely mental. Okay, kidding – but here’s the deal: By only being drawn to unavailable men already in relationships, you’re guaranteeing you never get hurt. You’re satisfying some of your need for connection by dreaming about them, and fending off loneliness with your blissful visions. But you’re not risking anything, because nothing is happening… People who are “commitment phobic” often don’t seem like they are – they find someone they can give all of their love to who is not able to return it, so they can then say, “See how much I loved them? See how they rejected me after all I gave? Poor me…” when that’s who they picked! It’s normal to have some of this, but if it’s all that’s going on in your love life, you need to grab yourself by the shoulders, throw some cold water on your face and get out into the real world to meet real people who are actually single. The next time you feel that “wow” with a man you can’t have, force yourself to have no more contact (or eye contact) so you don’t stay stuck there. And please don’t tell yourself you’re “broken-hearted” over these men – you’re not, you’re disappointed. You can’t be broken-hearted over someone you’ve only had staring contests with. And if you truly think you are, then yes – I do recommend seeking mental health services.
My trouble, for the past 15 years, seems to be only finding one-way connections – where I like her, but she just likes me as a friend. Girls will get very conversationally intimate with me, much more so than other guys I know, sharing details that they’ve never shared with anyone else before. It’s as if I am their male girlfriend, trusted and safe. So how do I convert this into being a woman’s lover, also?
Signed: Everybody’s Brother
Uh oh… once you’re in the “buddy” category in a woman’s mind, it’s very hard to get out! I suggest you stop being so “touchy-feely” and intimate with women. Try teasing them, playing with them, being really confident and slightly mysterious… This problem you’re experiencing has nothing to do with what you look like, how tall you are or how much money you make. Women are attracted to confidence, strength and humor – these things all communicate status, and turn us on! If you’re being all supportive and available for a woman’s every passing thought, you’re being a sweetheart – but making everything about them, which is lowering your status (essentially telling them that they are more important than you), and guaranteeing you’ll never get any action. You probably can’t change this with the women already in your life, but you can try some new moves with women you don’t already know. Conjure your inner George Clooney, ramp up the suave, and go get ’em.