Monogamy isn’t for everyone. In fact, many argue that it’s not a “natural state” for men. In many ways, I think that those people are right. DNA-wise, both genders are driven by primal instincts to continue our species, not to concentrate on the sanctity of marriage. However, humans now claim to be civilized… and if a person decides to delve into the world of commitment, marriage, and fidelity, they should hold to the ideals that accompany that choice. However, that doesn’t seem to hold true in today’s world of disposable marriages.
Alvin Toffler wrote the best seller Future Shock in 1970, and with matter-of-fact conviction, he wrote of the rising trend of “trial” or “temporary marriages”—first marriages of young people, lasting three months to three years, and of “serial marriages” that would take place after the dissolution of the “trial marriage,” happening at specific turning points in people’s lives. Toffler’s views hold true today. Having accurately predicted the coming trends, he could see how men and women would begin to view marriage as a temporary state of being. As California and other states try to figure out if gay marriage should be “legal,” the divorce rate for heterosexual couples still hovers at just over 50 percent. What most don’t consider is how the rising divorce rate provides the quintessential example for children of just how temporary marriage—and all relationships—can be.
Recent data shows that the most common reason for divorce is irreconcilable differences—the notion that the couple just doesn’t get along anymore… for whatever reasons. But many I’ve spoken with—men and women—are quick to cite being cheated on as the primary reason for past relationships having ended. Cheating—regardless of the motivation for it—isn’t merely the act of sex or physical release… it’s an act of betrayal. And that level of betrayal is very confusing to me.
Full disclosure: Have I EVER cheated? Ummm… yeah. I… uh… really burned some people… badly. (Just read my book… you’ll spot my lack of discretion and self-control in the first few pages of the introduction.) But have I cheated since marriage? I’d be a liar if I said that I’ve never been tempted to cheat. I am human—and a man—so I most certainly have been tempted (and the woman I’m thinking of… she was HOT… damn! But I would have never gotten away with it anyway). The difference is that I possess enough self-esteem to not humiliate myself, and I value and respect my wife and our marriage, so I would never betray her, as she is my friend. And that is my point: Men and women who cheat are betraying their spouse… but they would never betray their friends in that way, which is the source of my confusion. If you’re going to cheat, give the common courtesy to the other party that you would demand yourself… and leave the relationship. Some may say, “It’s not that simple.” Well… if it’s not, then perhaps the choice of infidelity might be something to ponder on for a while.
All this said, there are two main types of infidelity: flings and affairs. Flings are the most common, most often involving opportunity, lust, and lack of self-control. You know the tune:
“Babe, I screwed up. I got smashed in Vegas with the [guys/girls] and ended up sleeping with this stripper I met at the club. It didn’t mean anything, and I promise it won’t happen again. Please forgive me.”
Sometimes, opportunity can make good people do bad things—however, the person choosing to forgive a fling better think long and hard about it, as flings can highlight how little self-control an individual possesses at a given point in their lives (spoken from long-ago past experience). I’m not an advocate of “Once a cheater, always a cheater“… but the tendency is there.
Affairs are different. Affairs are long-term relationships—sometimes involving sex, sometimes not—and they are trickier for someone to get over. Affairs take their toll on both sides of the relationship, betrayer and betrayee—but it’s important to note the goal of the person starting an affair: to get caught. Perhaps they don’t have the wherewithal to end one relationship before starting another, or maybe they can’t bring themselves to admit to their significant other that they have fallen out of love with them. Whatever the reason, affairs are a real investment in a relationship behind someone else’s back—and that’s what makes them so much more damaging.
Which brings us to a different kind of cheating, for the web-based era: Online cheating. There are an endless number of sites that advocate and enable real-world affairs (whose highest spending advertisers are divorce attorneys). But meeting someone online and then quickly transferring the relationship to the real world is really just a fling. Online cheating is different. With the rise of social media and community-based websites, connecting with others in remote locations isn’t just the activity of a small subculture, it’s ingrained into our everyday lives. Numbers vary, but Facebook boasts some 700 million-plus users worldwide (and since their acceptance into the mainstream, high school reunions have fallen by over 60 percent). Online cheating—without any physical contact—is the most damaging type of infidelity. The reason? The entire “connection” between the two parties is emotional.
6 thoughts on “Cheating Is in Our DNA”
What about married people who cheat with married people? Just before our divorce my ex admitted to 3 women. I’m still not over the betrayal. He was my best friend. He could look me in the eye and lie without a clue. I knew there was something wrong but I couldn’t pinpoint or prove it until I found one email that led me to a whole other world he had hidden. He wrote in an email to someone that “being married gave him confidence.” When he moved out he went online and 2 days later metssomeone, and moved in with her a few months later. It was devastating to me. He was never going to leave me. I’m slowly getting over it. I cannot imagine hurting my best friend like he did to me, and I thought he was my best friend.
Gret article !!!!!!
Cheating on anything, whether it’s on a relationship , or a test, or anything else in life is extremely bad Karma……guilt, and later regret, goes hand in hand with cheating as well
Blessed Be )O(
Gina Rose ext.9500
Interesting article, I agree cheating can be tempting, but it is a high price to pay considering you may loose a relationship over it, self control is a trait that often doesn’t come easy, but wow the reward is priceless.
One point that is showing up far too often, is going from relationship to relationship doesn’t pay off, reason being we attract the type of relationship from the issues we need to work through within themselves.
Blessings and Big Hugs!
I completely agree with what you are saying. So many people use marriage as a form of protection of their relationship. A friendship is how we should see the person we care about and show them respect. The other I really agree is the emotional feelings that come with online. Writing let’s out a side of us that we normally don’t expose to the “real world”. Even if you don’t see that person in the physical sense. You are connecting with them in the emotional sense. Our feelings. I love what the internet gives us. But also can create an escape for those who don’t want to deal with the actual problem. Their relationship. Loved your article. You hit it on the nail.
How true it is to say if your friend ‘cheated’ on you, how good of a friend would that person be to you?
I finally looked up in the dictionary the definition of ‘friend’ and discovered ‘trust’ as one of the top 5 meanings.
So if your spouse is your friend, why would you cheat on your friend?
I was one of the many persons who ended a 20 year marriage because I no longer felt I had a ‘friend’ and looked outside the relationship for what I was lacking within myself. (It was the reason for my choice because I no longer felt my partner was my friend.) Serious feeling.
I commend you on an article with so much power and validity. Im not sure people know themselves well enough to understand the motive behind their actions.
Thank you. I would like to read more on this subject. Very interesting and very real.
Peace and love to you
In our culture, we tend to think in terms of “till death do us part,” but the spiritual truth is that some relationships are just not meant to last forever. I personally felt that the trial marriages described by Toffler were a great idea. Of course they wouldn’t work for everyone, but then again, neither does traditional marriage.
As for cheating, I’ve always said that if you just really need to cheat, then leave the relationship you are in and go to your new lover being wholly available to him / her. Granted, it isn’t simple to do, but like I tell my callers, ‘easy’ and ‘right’ seldom go hand in hand.