Dear Red,My husband and I are going through an extreamly hard break up. It has been going on for years until something snapped inside me. I tried for years to get his attention, etc., but when the words "I do not think I have ever loved you" came out of his mouth, something changed inside. We talked and decided to seperate, (I could not afford at the time to move out but he said that was okay). Later, he tried to take it back, however I never did. I tried to go on with my life and start a plan to get out. However, all of the sudden, he decided he loves me and wants me to stay. But he won't give me any space to think!Last night we got into a fight and actually exchanged blows for the first time ever. We have an autistic daughter and he wants me to give him custody -- because he said he has transcripts of my conversation with another man! These conversations came after our decision to separate -- and the fact that he has said he has a woman "friend" for whom he cares very deeply. He says he wants to maintain our household for our daughter. I am confused, hurt, scared and angry. Please advise.Stacy in DanvilleDear Stacy,
You got quite a complex situation on your hands, with no quick or easy solutions.
Your marriage has been troubled for many years, and it would take a lot of dedication, energy, and effort to try and work through and repair this dynamic. While it is possible, and definitely an option for you, it seems like a rather loveless path.
On the flip side, if you choose to build your own life, one that is outside of the family home, it is a happier and healthier environment. One that will invite love and a supportive relationship into your life.
While your husband's words are cold and cutting, and he did mean them at the moment he said them, this man is really unsure of his deeper feelings. He doesn't want you to go, but it is of the sense of you are his possession more than his partner.
Both you and your husband need to come to a firm decision on what each of you truly want. You can't maintain the household and build separate lives. Some people can do this, but it doesn't work for the two of you. It turns into this huge push-pull mess that cycles over and over again. You've already experienced that violence is not out of the question. While it wasn't as bad as it could have been, understand that if you allow things to continue to escalate, next time will be worse.
Just as a side note, any doctor, counselor, officer, lawyer, friend, or relative will tell you that staying in an abusive relationship is really not a good plan. As a psychic, I can tell you that you've been being abused for years, it just took a while to physically manifest. Think about it...
There is no way you would ever give your husband custody of your daughter. Share - yes. As far as any evidence of "wrongdoing" that he has, it seems to be more of a manipulation than anything else. The man definitely has nothing that holds any weight in a legal arena. Don't let that fear cloud your judgment. This is your life, too.
Straight up, you need help with this. You need help financially and emotionally. You need help to get out. Your husband is not going to give you space to think. If you want that space, you are going to need to take it. Pack up your daughter and head out to a friend's or relative's place for several days. Get in touch with an organization or shelter that can help you get some counseling and assistance. While it is not ideal or glamorous, you are not going to be able to come up with the "perfect plan" on your own.
You are smart, strong, and capable. You are living under oppression, and that wears anybody down. It gets inside your head, controls your life. There's so much more going on under the surface of what you've written. I really want to help you, but an article isn't enough to do it. All I can hope for is that you will take it to heart, and see that now is the perfect time and you have the perfect opportunity to start creating change.
Brightest Blessings,
Red
Ext. 9226