Considering that our friends play such a critical role in our lives, and that our platonic relationships can be pivotal in sustaining us on so many levels, it makes sense that we'd want to tend to our friendships… to make them last, grow and flourish. After all, our friends are the people we turn to in times of need and celebration.
They're the ones who laugh with us (and at us!), the individuals who know our quirks and hear our stories, offer us advice or sometimes, ask for it. And yet, we rarely grant our friendships (or our friends) the same leeway we do our lovers. The truth is, friendships require as much work as romantic relationships do. It's just that no one ever talks about it.
Whether you want to expand your social circle or deepen the bonds you already have, these three tips can help you look at friendship differently - and find more fulfillment in it!
Get what you need
Many of us expect our friends to be perfect and to act just as we would (or think we would!) in a given situation. We place unrealistic expectations on what they should or should not do and expect them to fill roles they are sometimes not suited to or capable of filling. Because of this, oftentimes the shortcomings of our friends are not on them - they're on us.
As with love relationships, no one person can be everything to any of us. The same person you love going out with on Friday nights may not be your best career confidant. The friend who cheers your successes might not be skilled at consoling your losses. It's important to look at your friends - and yourself realistically. And if a certain role isn't fulfilled in your life (a shoulder to cry on, for instance), look in new places to fill it. If you're a new parent and your friends are still single, it's no wonder they don't commiserate about dirty diapers!
Step up
Then again, people will often surprise us (for the better in this case)! Your Friday night fun relationship might just need a change of venue… If you're looking to talk about something more serious, to get some advice or anything other than the standard fare of the friendship, try going to lunch or taking a walk. Say you need to talk and see what happens. If you don't express your needs, you're less likely to have them met (particularly if they constitute a status quo shift). And lastly, on this front, if you don't get something you need, don't discount the ways the friendship does work for you. Just be aware of its limits.
Expand what you give
Fulfilling friendships are always a two way street. Even if what you offer each other differs, there's got to be personal currency exchanged. In other words, if you were constantly the one listening/doing/being there for your friend, you'd probably feel unfulfilled - annoyed or exhausted, even. So make sure it's not the other way around! Check in with your friends and offer to listen. Ask for a shoulder if it's what you need.
Likewise, if you're feeling something is missing from your life, consider that your friends may feel the same, and even if they don't, they may enjoy a new frontier. Ask to do things you wouldn't normally offer. If you're looking for more cultural activity, rather than belaboring the fact that you don't have a museum buddy, invite a friend to the museum. Be the change you want to see… and it may change your relationships as well as your life.
When to let go
Lastly, while we like to think that friendships are forever, there are instances when cutting the cord is absolutely necessary - and beneficial for both parties. It's natural that we change as we grow older, and if a friendship doesn't evolve over time it stops serving both parties involved. While a rewarding friendship is worth the effort of maintenance whether you move across town or enter different life stages, a stagnant, hurtful or one-sided friendship may be doing more harm than good. If you've put in the effort, made your grievances known and nothing has changed, don't be afraid to say goodbye or simply let it fade.
One of the cardinal rules of life is that an empty space will be filled, and in this case - by acting in pursuit of your highest good - your future relationships will no doubt be more fulfilling and mutually beneficial.
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