It’s one thing to be in a submissive relationship with a caring lover and another to be put into submission by your partner. Being in an abusive relationship isn’t safe, though staying with what you know can feel the most comfortable for the one who’s being abused. Liam gets to the heart of getting out of an abusive relationship by addressing what lies within the abused individual.<\/p>\n
Betty from\u00a0Tignish, Canada asks:<\/p>\n
I have been in this verbally abusive relationship<\/a><\/strong> for 31 years. I have tried to leave many times, but the guilt always sets in. I do not enjoy conflict and try to avoid it. In the past three years, I have gotten my self-esteem back and have begun to take care of myself again after years of neglect. He needs to be in control, and I gave him the power. It seems he always asks me where I’m going even if I am going to the bathroom. I feel like he watches my every move. Will I ever find the strength to leave this toxic marriage? I know I am not the only female in this situation, maybe my question will help someone else.<\/em><\/p>\n Liam’s<\/a><\/strong> Response:<\/strong><\/p>\n Greetings, Betty. Patterns of behavior and stagnant perceptions are difficult things to alter under the best of circumstances. Our society in general prefers diversion to liberation, shunning pain and catharsis in favor of apathy and emotional paralysis. In a case such as yours, physically leaving the situation is actually the easy part. People do it all the time. Unfortunately, leaving is only a diversion, not an actual personal change brought about by conscious awareness of what needs to be faced and dealt with\u2026 And so the cycles of habitual behavior are repeated. People find themselves right back in the same modes of victimization and destitution, without ever knowing why. Many people want change. They really do. They think that by tinkering with external variables, inner peace will follow. But the hard truth is there are some fundamental realities that just aren’t going to go away however we try to force them off. Very often we simply can\u2019t alter our conditioned responses\u2026 What we can alter, is our perception. And an altered perception can literally change the world.<\/p>\n The first step in making that kind of quantum leap is to be very sure that\u2019s what you want. I can give you a million tips on how to leave your current abuser and all of them would be effective. But none of them will do you a lick of good if you don’t change something about how you see yourself. You’ll only go out and find another abuser in time, because that\u2019s all you\u2019ve ever known. The fact is you are a naturally submissive woman. Your Yin-oriented nature can be easily overwhelmed and taken advantage of by a dominant personality. It doesn\u2019t matter whether that submissive mentality is genetic, conditioned, or a gift from the Sugar Plum fairy\u2026 What matters is that it is so ingrained, I doubt you could ever do much to change it. And why would you want to? There\u2019s a sublime beauty in submission\u2026 in enslavement to the correct cause or the right master. Yours is simply a very typical case of someone falling victim to the torments of an abusive mate, because she never really understood the beautiful truth of her own submissive soul. You’ve been made to feel that you are flawed, and that just isn\u2019t so. What you are is gentle, kind, sexually healing and womanly. You are not overt or aggressive. Too early in life, you went searching for an iron hand to compliment your submissive self and fell prey to the cruelest sort of parasite. This doesn\u2019t have to be your lot. In the BDSM world, master\/slave relationships are not about abuse<\/a><\/strong>; they are not about mediocrity and squalor. There are many real dominant men and women who utilize methods of control and strict regulation to create an oasis of safety for those who serve them. Many are highly trained and very disciplined. Their slaves are their treasures, and their truest joys in life. Being submissive does not mean being weak.<\/p>\n You need to accept what you are. You dislike not having boundaries. You don’t feel safe without a controlling hand in play, and you like being the object of someone’s focus. On the other hand, you\u2019re well aware that your husband\u2019s childish antics are done to harm and not to help you. You must be done with him as soon as possible. Start moving out on your own by changing the perception you somehow deserve to be treated badly. Read the Beauty<\/em> series by Anne Rice written under the nom de plume A.N. Roquelaure. Quit criticizing yourself for things that are inherent in your nature, and stop thinking you ought to be different than you are. Find a counselor with a non-judgmental attitude, and get a game plan together for flying the coup. I caution you to make your personal safety your first priority as you do so. Your spouse is a creature of fear, so involve law enforcement as you make your departure. And from now on, every day, try in some way to look at something from a different point of view. Our perceptions can become so rust-laden over time. I see that you will escape your situation, with or without my suggestions, but I do hope you make that inner journey. In any case, good luck and please be safe.<\/p>\n Liam<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n Do you have a question for Liam? <\/strong>Ask Liam your question now.<\/a><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n