Will We Reconcile?

Danielle in Tucson writes:

Dear Red,

Will my ex and I reconcile in the near future? I broke up with him due to an overwhelming amount of strain and feeling helpless and insecure about his love for me. He is recently divorced, but still runs and owns a business with his ex (whom he sees everyday). We got along just lovely and really enjoyed being together; however, I felt like he was unavailable emotionally and still wounded from his past. My insecurities got the best of me, especially when he couldn’t tell me he loved me after being in a relationship with me for a year and six months! I regret breaking up with him and want to know if there is a chance for us to reconcile in the near future. Will he really be fully available for us to work things out? How does he see me? What can I do?

In need of guidance,
D.

Dear Danielle,

Your ex sees you as a phenomenal woman, and one that he does love. But he also sees your insecurities as a problem that he really can’t help you overcome. He hasn’t yet healed to a place where he can love openly and freely, and his emotional limitations fall short of your needs and expectations.

Your relationship with this man was stable, but the communication issues and conflicts that exist run very deep. Still, the two of you did the best you could with each other, but neither of your needs were fully being met.

He is still wounded from his past. Even though he feels love for you, it is something he wasn’t, and still isn’t, ready to say. It is going to be quite a while before he is willing or able to utter that phrase. To him, saying those words are a deeper commitment, like the step before marriage. This is something he isn’t ready to think about, much less embrace.

There were many points in this relationship when your insecurities got the best of you. This really didn’t translate well in several of your conversations with your ex. He didn’t, and still doesn’t, know how to help you through this. He isn’t going to dissolve his business, nor is he going to avoid his ex wife. They do have a level of friendship and partnership, but they are divorced for a reason. The warm fuzzies, on both sides, are gone.

Your ex believes he never misled you. He feels that you should be able to trust him and has boldly told you that you can. The man wasn’t lying. But he also made himself, his business, and many other things a priority above you. For him, it was safer. For you, it was painful.

All of the old problems and issues the two of you shared still exist. He needs time to process all of this, on top of his own baggage. So, while there is a reconciliation coming for the two of you, I have to warn you that it isn’t going to happen quickly.

All you can do is tell him how you feel, what you want, and own your insecurities and the issues they caused. You also need to tell him that you are willing to work on you side of things, but only if he is willing to work on his. He doesn’t totally realize how emotionally unavailable he comes across.

I know you are hoping for a happy reunion and some simple solutions for healing this relationship, but this man of yours still needs significant time to heal. So while you can reconcile to the point of seeing one another and dating, he isn’t going to be ready to fully commit to the relationship or more openly express how he feels about you until mid-spring of the coming year.

I hope this helps you.

Brightest Blessings,

Red

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