Sex Q&A: We Don’t Make Love

Ari Wrote:

Hi Liam,

I am a gay man of 43 and have lived with my partner four years. He is two years older. We bought a house with a mortgage and got ourselves in debt. All was OK & good to start with, but for last two years we haven’t had sex at all. We have talked about his past & my past and my partner blames himself. I can see a pattern in his distancing from sex … It’s not everything in a relationship I know, but I do need sex. I’ve had brief encounters, but do not feel really OK even if my partner has said it’s OK for me to go out and have sex with someone else. I still love David but still he cannot see himself in a sexual relation ship with me or anybody … I DON’T know what I can do to help him & me … I just don’t have a clue were to go from here … Can you help me?

Kind Regards

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Ari, and thank you for sharing your concerns. Here we have two fine people who are very much in love, but are evidently at different places in their lives. This is manifesting as a severe crisis point in your sexual relationship.

First, I’d like to advise you to encourage your partner to see a fitness expert, if he hasn’t already. The level of stress you describe in your letter is very body negative. And anything body negative is spirit negative. He needs to find ways to start listening to his body and nourishing his own physical self. This is the key to more energetic responses of the more intimate type.

I feel your partner is attracted to you sexually, though surely you doubt this fact after two years. But he has shut down his own sensually in a way; he is blocking any sort of affection. He probably doesn’t like people touching him much at all, and his eating habits are probably atrocious as well. You can start layering sensuality in the home, as I have mentioned often in these articles. Try cooking healthy gourmet meals. Invoke the senses with fine music, wine, and art in your spare hours. Relaxation is key. I sense you may be even more anxious regarding this issue than your lover.

It appears to me that at this phase in life, your partner is struggling to redefine himself in many ways, and sex is just part of this fundamental issue. He feels it is only fair that you should be allowed to express your own needs even though he is not capable of meeting you on this level. He is not doing this to push you away. He’s doing it because he is an adult with an open mind. In a way, he knows the sex issue is more your issue.

So I want you to reevaluate your decision not to make love to other partners. I know you have a certain ideal of what romantic partnerships should be, and it’s one which we are all pretty much conditioned to accept from a young age. But we live in a world that is constantly changing. Emotionally, people are reaching out seeking methods and ways to free themselves from the dormancy of idealism. Your body is in need — as is your spirit. If done in a safe and respectable fashion, why not indulge in some late night pursuits? They may indeed include very passionate and romantic feelings for another. But there is no need to disrupt that primary partnership if you do not wish to. I have a feeling if you go out, make love, find some peace and some pleasure in a short time, you will find the tension in the home has eased considerably.

And, in time, when he is ready, your partner will join you sexually once again. He is a loving and very selfless soul. Because he knows it brings you pleasure, he delights in thinking of you with these other men. But that choice is yours. In the meantime, layer sensual vibes throughout the house and chill.

Be well,


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