Sex Q&A: Low Sex Drive?

Setting Boundaries With Sexuality

Helen from Hampton Roads, Virginia asks:

I am a woman who spent most of her life in a relationship that was largely destructive. I have been out of the relationship for around four years now and am adjusting to my new life. I do have a sexual issue going on that I have not been able to overcome and that seems to be holding me back from a totally fulfilling sex life. My problem is that I seem to have lost a portion of the sensuality that I had many years ago. I kept myself in check so many years by turning myself off that I am having trouble being able to enjoy my body as I once did. I have tried therapy, self-help books, medication, etc. Will I ever be able to enjoy my physicality again? It was so pure and easy and now, well sometimes it is just frustrating!

If you have any ideas I would greatly appreciate the help.

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Helen, and thank you so much for writing. In the current era, a strange alienation separates us not only from our tribal origins but also from the nexus of our sensual responses. Your dilemma is not unusual. Every one of us suffers from it on some level. One way to counteract the problem is to sit down and read D. H. Lawrence’s Lady Chatterly’s Lover… and if you’ve already read it, read it again. I guarantee it won’t be a waste of your time. While your own circumstances aren’t the same as the good Lady Constance, the general paradigm is well worth investigating because the real problem is you’re doing what everyone does nowadays. Severe depression, sexual dysfunction, rampant anxiety…we’re like lost children wandering through a metallic forest, wailing for our forgotten mother. Thankfully that golden girl has never forgotten about us and we are always warmly welcomed back into her haunted kingdom if we can find our way there. Now, we can analyze this all day long and chase after every medication and newfangled so-called therapy but all we end up doing is trying to solve a yin-oriented crisis with yang-oriented methods. And that dog don’t hunt. In your case, I think you know full well what got you into this mess. Sitting around thinking about it and talking about it and reading about it aren’t going to add anything useful to the mix.

What I want you to do is remember what you were in former days; remember the relationship between yourself and your senses. Back then it was a pure thing, untainted by repression or restriction. Now we aren’t going to attempt to reclaim that exact energy. It wouldn’t be possible or even advisable after the experiences you’ve had. You can’t erase what’s happened in your life but you can take your current self and re-link her to the emotional/sensual self that still resides within. The journey is a novel one and I urge you not to think too much about it. Thought is the enemy in this endeavor. In the words of Bruce Lee,  “Don’t think… Feel.” You need to let your primal self—your true animal nature—come out from its cave of desolation. You need music and dance and poetry. You need nakedness and dirt and tears and wild raving laughter. Chaos must reign, so go out and do the unexpected. Shock yourself. What smells good to you? What food do you enjoy eating? Awaken those dead senses with thick musks and bloody meats, ripe fruits and delicate wines. Then take all those self-help books out and make yourself a great big witchy bonfire under a pregnant, full moon.

And please, whatever you do, don’t push the sex thing. Don’t even think about it. At least not in the sense of worrying every minute. Instead, go with whatever you feel and disregard all that garbage about what’s good or not good, healthy or unhealthy. Stop considering all the problems and do something positive every day—something that makes you “feel” sexy. Lounge about in silk pjs with chocolate close at hand. Indulge in flirting just for fun. But most of all, quit putting pressure on yourself. No matter what the great minds tell you, human sexuality is not a formula-based scientific process. It’s a wild mesh of crazed and abstract emotion. It’s the most profound art we humans know. Let go, Helen, and see what you gain.


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6 thoughts on “Sex Q&A: Low Sex Drive?

  1. Katarina


    I wrote to you a month or two ago, with a problem/life situation very much like this one. I too have lost touch with my sensuality and sexuality, these gifts that used to be so close at hand for me, and used to bring me so much pleasure. Now I over-think everything, question myself, analyze my past etc – I can get myself into such a state! Even though this was written for “Helen” I thank you for your insightful reply, which resonates deeply with me.

  2. Kelli 5130

    Dearest Liam,

    Thank you for being sensitive to human need. You provide a listening heart and this is the first step in healing.

    I love being a 60ish goddess and embracing and nurturing exactly who and what I am. This can help people of all ages and walks of life.

    Another good suggestion for women and men of any age is to return to the natural rythm of your own nature. Eat when you are hungry and eat exactly what you are craving…no bad food…no bad sex.

    Walk by the ocean or lake or river and feel the rythm of the water. Walk in the forest and smell the trees and feel the spirit of the forest commune with your own spirit. Sing in the forest…the trees will love your voice and so will you.

    Take the time to fall in love with yourself and life and find the place inside of you which feels joy when good things happen for you. Visit this place everyday for a moment and feel joy for no reason at all…just because joy is worth embracing without a reason…just like our orgasms…wonderful for no reason at all…

    Thank your for being here for us.

    From my smiling place,

    Kelli 5130

  3. Aida Bon

    Liam as usual I am speechless. And for the …th time I am asking when are your columns going to be published? You know what Dr Phil’s advice was for women like Helen? Hire a Gigolo for an evening. Not one of those flasshy types with sunglasses and gel in his hair. There are Gigolo’s who make it their profession to teach women how to enjoy their bodies and relax. Number one and most important is to stop faking!!!! That only increases men’s stupidity and women are left aching. Your advice to helen is sublime. The title of my memoires ( I am 73!!!! and still alive and kicking) is: “MY MEN, MY LOVERS, MY GIGOLO’S AND I!” In my last chapter I exlpain the revelation of total extacy with my Gigolo. My writers name is Amanda and the last sentence in the book is: If the book is published Amanda is going to change the M in her name to N. ANANDA means in the old Indian language: Elation and surrender in love.
    Love to you Liam. Aida Bon (The Netherlands)

  4. Arnold Bruhn

    You are really good! And you gave a poet’s answer!!

    The one thing that might help in similar cases: Ask yourself what memories come to mind that have caused the lack of interest. Grab a pen and write away.

    One thing we know about wrong turns: Reverse direction and you’ll end up where you were.

    But I really like your answer!


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