Sex Q&A: How to Deal With Sexual Insecurity and Doubt

Phillipa asks:

My husband, who is bisexual, and I share intimate liaisons with other men. I enjoy these encounters more than he now seems to, even though he set this up. He now believes that I will cheat on him. How do I get him to realize these liaisons have, from my perspective, brought us closer?

Liam’s Response:

Greetings, Phillipa. It sounds as if you and your mate share an adventurous and vital romantic life exploring and embracing the taboo. That kind of expansion requires a remarkable alteration of perception, not to mention a dramatic redefining of the self. One must always be prepared, for embracing the shadow is an experience laden with fear. To come to liberation, the demons of the inner world must be purged. We are all cursed; burdened by the heavy shackles of patriarchal control and domination, complete with jealousy and inferiority complexes. A lifestyle such as the one you have chosen demands openness and honest confrontation. This is the fact that your husband is having to face right now. It’s normal, it’s natural, and, in the end, it will actually nurture your relationship.

When contemplating the bisexual nature, it is wise to recall Sophocles and his Greek tragedy Oedipus Rex. The wisest oracle priest ever born was Tiresias of Thebes. The reason ol’ Tiresias was so darn brilliant was that he had once been changed into a woman so he knew what it was to be both male and female… One who understands the yoga of the female and male within, and can express these complimentary energies in sensual terms, can often gain knowledge barred to those of more singular natures. Unfortunately, when this yoga seeks expression in a sexual dynamic, the internal yin-yang makeup is not as fluidic for some as it should be. When this happens the very fact of being bisexual causes pain and confusion. It seems to me, your man was already confused about his sexual identity long before you two came to an impasse over the issue. Your outer disagreement is only an external manifestation of his internal conflict. He is holding on to some very negative yang oriented garbage from his youth, and he needs to find a way to let go of all that inner trauma. Together you are enacting an important sex ritual with you as the priestess who facilitates his release from needless torment. By agreeing to join him in his exploration, you opened the door for a union of those opposing aspects of his personality, allowing the healing to begin. Still, there remains a part of him which will not allow his feminine aspect to have equal prominence with the masculine in his subconscious. In fact, one of the reasons he wanted to include you early on was as a symbolic attempt to control the female sexual nature. Deep inside, he’s very afraid and ashamed of his feminine self.

I say it’s time to uncover the truth of why he feels so insecure. It‘s time for him to let go of his need to control female sexual power both within you and within himself. I suggest the two of you sit down, and have a very honest conversation. Let him know in no uncertain terms that his insecurities will not dictate how you choose to live your life. He cannot commandeer control of your sexuality nor will you allow him to twist it to satisfy the whim of some infantile demand. But also let him know that you wish to be part of his healing. In order to heal, neither one of you can bow to this attempt to control. To allow this is to allow his child-male to win, leaving his elder-male to flounder. And thus the internal wedding of God and Goddess will never occur.

Help him to explore his past and find out why he feels division and grasping fear rather than the dynamic polarity of his sexual nature. A traditionally trained Tantric could assist you in this quest. You might also seek counseling with a sex counselor trained in more liberal matters. The main thing is to get him to examine and talk about his past. I fear you’re going to uncover some ugly, abusive male influences and a whole lot of painful memories. As for you… You’re no man’s property. Stop being so nervous about it all. You’re a leader and healer by nature. Let the Goddess you carry within guide you and you will not fail.

Liam

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